Saturday, March 19, 2005

T-Bird (Finale)

T-Bird told me on her birthday that its amazing how one person can change so much in such a short period of time. She was talking about me. I think three years is a long time for change but I realized that she wishes three years had made such a dramatic change in her. She has changed. The core of who she is hasn’t changed. Its the way she deals with life that has. T-Bird’s wounds were packed on top of one another very tightly and filtering through them, one at a time, is difficult. Still, she has an insane sense of humor. She says, "I don’t take drugs (medication for depression) so you people can deal with me. I take drugs so I can deal with you." We’ve agreed when the kids are old enough, I get to run Jerk over a with a 4X4 and she gets to run over SD. We’ve contemplated and compared hiding places for bodies, almost been banned from Wally World, called each other in the middle of the night because we’ve done something we shouldn’t have and were in a panic, and speak what the other is thinking. I know if I have a problem, if I want or need advice, she’s there. She’s the first person to stand behind me and push me along. I’m the first to grab her hand and take her with me. For all that, we both know, its really up to us. When I wrote about seeing "8 Mile" it was at T-Bird’s place and I told her later what an inspiration it was to me. "Look, if you had one shot, one opportunity, to seize everything you ever wanted, one moment, would you capture it, or just let it slip?" Having lived the majority of her life in and around the area where Eminem grew up, she has experienced a lot of the same things he had. She didn’t see the same inspiration that I did. It didn’t touch her where it touched me. It was Tim McGraw who touched her. We were on the phone a few days ago, which is what inspired ME to write this series of posts. She asked if I had heard the song, "Live Like You Were Dying." I had heard pieces of the song and knew the story behind it, but not being a country music fan it didn’t really hold that much significance. She told me she had heard the song numerous times but that one day, she really listened to the lyrics and took a look at her life. She said, "I hate to admit it but there’s an dent in the couch where I sit my fat ass all the time. I want to get a job and a life and a future. I’m just sitting here, doing nothing. I’m 32 years old and what do I have to show for it? That song really woke me up and made me realize, I’m not going have all my life to have a life. This is it and I’m not doing everything I can to make it the best." I said, "I’m so proud of you." She paused for a couple of seconds then said, "I am too." Its about damn time girlfriend. Laura Ingalls Wilder once wrote, "Ambition is good servant, but a poor master." I would have to say the same about pride. Being prideful and having pride, are two different things. One dictates to you how to allow pride to stand in the way of those things which make life easier, like forgiveness, the other, propels you forward to be the best you can and to do the best you can because you care about yourself. This is the one thing that has stood in T-Bird’s way. Her inability to love and embrace herself. T-Bird has diabetes and has had to give up her addiction to Mountain Dew. I was shocked. I never thought she would give it up. She’s eating healthier and taking her medication and has lost weight. I mentioned to her that when the weather warmed up a bit we could take the boys to the track down from her house and we could walk while they played. Ha ha ha! I expected her to say, like she always has, "I ain’t fuckin’ walkin’. I hate walkin’." Instead she said, "You know, I was thinking the same thing," and she meant it. Don’t get me wrong, she still irritates the fuck out of me. She’s still sitting at home and has nothing better to do than focus her energies and every thought on her and J3 and her nephew. I can’t fault her for her love for them, that’s for sure. She does tend to be self-centered but when your life revolves around looking at yourself in the mirror, what else do you expect? But I love her. I love her like a sister, and a bratty baby sister. I love her because she smart, and a smart ass. I love how she laughs, even when its at me. I love the way she says, "I was right," even when I have to say, "I know." I love how we try to one up each other on fuck-ups. (T-Bird) "I cheated on my husband" (Nanner) "So, I cheated with someone else’s husband and had his child!" (T) "Okay, you win." (N) "See, I was right!" (T) "You can’t use it like that." (N) "Yes, I can." (T) "No you can’t." (N) "Fuck you." (T) "Fuck you back." But most of all, I’ve learned from her, whether through example or what not to do: When you fuck up, someone’s done it worse. Don’t be a dumbass. If ya ain’t gonna shit, get off the pot. If you can’t drive it, park it. Move, or get the fuck outta the way. Wal-Mart has more security than you think. Say what you mean, and mean what you say. When plotting revenge, always have a wingman more devious than you. K-Y will run down the side of the vehicle instead of staying under the handle. Use Vaseline. And most importantly, you may not always like your friends or what they do, but love is never optional.
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