Home Front

Things have become quiet on the home front, at least for now. I had been busy preparing for a guest, then I had to deal with Jeff, and Nate’s homework, and whether I’ll have enough money to heat my house this winter. I’m blogging from my new laptop. Actually, this is a good way for me to see if I can save from the word processing program on one computer and transfer to the other. No, I didn’t suddenly grow money out of my ass, it was free from a great blogging friend whose company wrote them off. She was able to snag two and sent one to me. God love her heart and she knows who she is. I’m so excited to forgo my numbness-inducing chair and be able to sit in front of my 13 inch TV and watch cable, which I did have to pay for. You remember, Jeff said I was neglecting Nate by not having cable. So, after three years of depravity and neglect, Nate and I will have something to watch while we can’t afford to pay the gas bill. Here’s a little something I wrote about Jeff today… Perhaps it is because even as he attacks me, he does so through Nate, who I will do anything to protect. Strike one against me. Whereas I am rational, whereas I have learned to leave the past behind, he categorizes experiences in color-coded folders, dog-eared, smudged memories contaminated by his bacteria as he licks and thumbs through his darkness. Whether through hate or loathing or jealousy, he searches and seeks through those memories for the magic formula to bring me back under his control. I stand stoic and unmoving (or so I like to believe) with the exhausted fibers of my soul and self-esteem held together by spit and bailing wire, and I resist darkness. Its not just Nate and myself that I worry about. Nate told me a while back that he knew where a certain radio station was because his dad had taken him up there. That is the station AZ works at. Hell hath no fury… There’s a story behind that. As things wound down between Jeff and I in the Fall of ’97, AZ stepped in to assure my continued independence. He provided nothing but encouragement. He was engaged at the time and certainly didn’t promise me anything if I were to leave Jeff. Silently, he promised me at least some self respect back. Looking back, it was hearing of AZ’s engagement which opened the doors of communication between us again, and it was that communication that sealed the fate of an already dying relationship. Certainly, I can admit my feelings for AZ went beyond friendship but I was also realistic. As Jeff attempted to worm his way back into my life in the summer of ’98, I finally had to drop the "I have feelings for someone else" bomb. Naturally, Jeff wouldn’t rest until he knew who it was. His response to my disclosure? Acquiescence. He said, "You should have been with him all along." Time has shown that AZ and I do not share his feelings on that subject. AZ and I resolved our issues, yet Jeff continues to harbor a great deal of resentment towards AZ for something that happened over 8 years ago and something that ultimately was Jeff’s fault. It wasn’t AZ’s fault that I dumped Jeff. It was the state of our relationship, it was the lies, the cheating, the hatefulness, and Jeff’s unwillingness to help support Nate and be a dad that brought our relationship to an end. It was my feelings for AZ that kept it that way. So, really, AZ had nothing to do with it, other than being a friend. AZ told me a few years ago that he had met Jeff as Jeff would come to a bar that AZ bartended at. To date, Jeff hasn’t had the balls to confront AZ about me. I’m not sure if he ever will. I’m not sure if I want to be present to witness the carnage or remain blissfully ignorant until it is recounted second-hand. For the record, AZ has just as nice feelings about Jeff. However, I know AZ’s not going to do something stupid, like get drunk and violent and go looking for a fight. Luckily, 90% of the things we worry about, never happen.