Monday, July 10, 2006

The Fourteen Years War - The Blogging Years - 2004 to 2006 - Volume I

Are you ready for this? Are you really ready? Fine, continue. I’m now getting into the Blogging Years. As far as Jeff is concerned, he was still as unstable as the wind. I believe though, it was 2004 when he told me he was very sorry he hadn’t been there for me and Nate, he had made mistakes, and he saw how much he had hurt me. Honestly, I had already put it behind me but it was apparent he had not and needed to make that amend with me. He probably also asked me to marry him at some point in a drunken stupor. I obviously said no. I did eventually call Lex and we start seeing one another. Seeing Lex was odd and strange in some ways. It was the first time I had actually dated someone that AZ knew, was friends was, worked with, and saw me with. I went up to the radio station one morning and took them breakfast. Very strange. Very odd. It didn’t stop me though. Lex stopped me. As much as those two complain about each other, it’s because they are so much alike, and so very different. AZ and I talked a lot during my relationship with Lex but we never talked about Lex and I. We talked about everything but Lex and I. I, however, made it a point to tell Lex things first, even if I wanted to tell AZ. I worked my way out of emotionally cheating in my relationship with Lex. If something happened, I told Lex first, got his input, got his point of view, then I told AZ. It was hard too. It was even harder when Lex didn’t take much interest in some things that were important to me, whereas AZ took interest in just about everything. As things started going south with Lex, I resisted the urge to talk to AZ about it. Not just because they were friends but also because I wanted to handle it on my own. It wasn’t until far after the fact that AZ got an earful about my relationship with Lex, why things went south, and my frustrations and hurt, especially after AZ called me and had both he and Lex on the phone at the same time. I was so livid and I wrote a nasty letter about it to him. Which he promptly received and called me about. I also learned a valuable lesson, don’t date any of AZ’s friends if things aren’t “resolved” with AZ. Towards the end of 2004, I wrote a post called, “Reason, Season, Lifetime.” It was about feeling as though I had moved past AZ emotionally, essentially outgrown him. In many ways I have. I’m even more aware of it now. However, the end of 2005 brought about another change for AZ and I. It was the first time he told me about his father’s death to a large degree. We talked a lot in the Fall, as usual. When I went down to visit Sid in NC, it was on the anniversary of his father’s death. For the first time ever, he called me after a trip to find out if I had made it home safe. Unfortunately, I was still on the road when he called and then of course, I didn’t hear from him again until January. I’ve blogged mightily about Jeff and AZ in the past two years. But putting all of this down, running through it year to year, as been not been the least bit cathartic to me. I have brought up a lot of old hurts and that’s all they are... old. However, I don’t ever see my relationship with Jeff changing. He’ll still be an alcoholic and I’m counting down the days to when I’ll no longer HAVE to see him, speak to him, or otherwise be involved in his life. I want to be able to have a choice as to when I deal with him. What this has done has shed a great deal of light on the situation with AZ. Since he was been absent last week, the guys at the shop were very honest and forthcoming with what goes on there. I’ve always known there was SOMETHING, something I wasn’t putting my finger on, something besides the depression that I was missing, something that would explain everything. I’ve searched high and low for a long time, not just now, but for many years to explain my relationship with AZ. I found it.
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