Well Shit, Shit, Shit, Shit, Shit!!!!

Isn't that just a fucking lovely way to start my post for this evening?? I was all set to tell you about a wonderful book that I bought today but wouldn't ya know? I left the fucker at work and I soooo wanted to read it this evening!!! That just goes with what else the post is about anyway. The book is called, "The Tale of the Devil - A biography of Devil Anse Hatfield." If you haven't heard of the Hatfields and McCoys feud you are not from this planet, please go back from whence you came in peace. Okay, maybe its a just an American thing so all Canadians, South Africans and Australians may stay. I believe those are the folks who visit. Anyway, the Hatfield-McCoy feud is pure WV/KY history. Its especially interesting to me as my ancestors intermarried with both clans in the 1800's. None of my direct ancestors did but some of their progency did. After all, its all about family here. I've only made it through the preface or introduction or whatever they called it and the first chapter. Normally, I don't read the preface to any book. However, this one was quite interesting. It chronicles the migration of pioneers into the Appalachian mountains, tells about the geography (I remember that the average grade of an Appalachian mountain is 45% and the New River is thought to be the oldest river in the world.) and what sorts of folks could make it in the harsh, harsh land that was the Appalachians of the 1800's. The Appalachians were once thought to be higher than the Himalayans but through time and erosion they are now shorter than the Rockies. It is not unusual when hiking in the high dense forests of WV to come across fossils... of seashells. My dad found a huge block of sandstone once in Pocahontas County, an Eastern border county which had probably 100 seashell fossils in it. Its amazing to me to know that WV and all these mountains once stood under water. The book also goes on to explain why the Mountaineers were such clannish and private folk (and still are). Its because they came here, like most others, to escape religious persecution. Most were of Scotch-Irish descent. Meaning they were originally Scottish and were forced into Northern Ireland as the unwanted and eventually migrated to the Colonies. My family though were French and came basically for the same reason. The term "hillbilly," which causes we Mountaineers to cringe, is actually an endearment of sorts as the Scottish word for friend is "billy." Friends of the hills, yes, that's us. Just don't put your shanty up within shoutin' distance of ours and we'll be fine. I will post more about Devil Anse Hatfield as I read the book. One of his great-great-granddaughters was a client of ours and she certainly took her role as a Hatfield to heart. I know already that he was born about 10 years before my great-grandmother who is mentioned in my June post about Jesse James. He was a skilled hunter and equestrian. This book was written by one of his descendants and I'll get that information when I get the damn book from the office. Which leads me to the next thing. I have medical conditions known as depression and anxiety. I hate them. I had my first real depressive/anxiety episode before leaving for Germany when I was 17, which was par for the course I believe. The next was after, well, Gabriel was born. Ah shit, his name is Nate. My son's name is Nate. Pffffffft!! Anyway, it was bad and I blew it off to post-partum but it was full blown depression. The next episode was while the Drunk Boyfriend lived here. My grandfather died unexpectedly, 9/11, dealing with a drunk, dealing with Nate and his dad's abuse... I finally went on medication. Thank you, it worked very well. It was Wellbutrin. I know it caused some folks problems but for me, it was a dream drug. I was Queen of the World. Eventually, I weaned myself off and was doing okay, except I noticed that it became more difficult to focus and concentrate. I just worked harder. When my next depressive episode hit about two months ago, I was in agony and kept trying to muck and muddle through but knew I needed medication again. I did. This time they put me on Lexapro. Cool stuff. My depression and especially my anxiety are well under control on the lowest dose. Just one problem. The attention and concentration problems which I attributed to the depression are not gone. If anything, being clearer minded from the lack of depression, I'm noticing them more. I took an Adult ADD questionaire online. Let's just say, it doesn't look good. I'm a classic textbook case. My symptoms range from moderate to Whoa-you-really-got-a-problem. Since Nate was diagnosed with ADHD, I suspected that I was the source. Just to describe what its like: If I like something, I will do until I'm blue in the face, which is called - hyperfocus. For example, blogging. If I don't, then I have to force myself to do it and most of the time, don't get it done, like, oh say, housework. I live in a perpetual state of clutter. Clutter everywhere, everywhere, everywhere. I have been mucking through at work, severely under producing, which my boss has noticed. Other symptoms of Adult ADD include, gasp!, depression, anxiety and low self-esteem. Imagine that!! Not to mention, you forget shit!! Like, oh, that brand new fucking book I bought that I'm dying to read!!! And folks, let me tell you, my mind, never, ever fucking shuts up. Never. I do stupid shit like memorize license plates of cars and then look for the cars on my way to and from work. It keeps my mind busy. I daydream constantly. I will re-read the same medical record ten times before I write one sentence. And my mind runs and runs and runs. It just never shuts up. I was sleeping better when I started the Lexapro but now... forget it. Now, I will be exhausted and lay down in the bed and "bing" my eyes are open, I'm tossing and turning because my mind WON'T SHUT UP!!!! I don't obsess on one thing, I think about a million and they turn over and over and over in my mind, like a fucking B movie. So, what's the damn difference between Wellbutrin and Lexapro?? Wellbutrin is a second line medication for Adult ADD. While I took it, it took away my symptoms. When I went off, I was functioning okay, just had to work a little harder or maybe a lot harder but I didn't have the depression. Now, the Lexapro is bringing everything into focuse but is not a medication for ADD so, here I am, now I'm well enough to realize that I'm still fucked up. Isn't life just grand? I called around and found a doctor that specializes in Adult ADD and made an appointment for an intake and testing. I hope he can help me. I'm so sick of being this way. Its been almost 34 years and I think that's long enough. I just want to be able to go to work and do a good job, clean my house and spend time with my son. I really hope he can help me. By the way, I posted some new pics on my photoblog. Enjoy!