Wednesday, August 11, 2004

Well Shit, Shit, Shit, Shit, Shit!!!!

Isn't that just a fucking lovely way to start my post for this evening?? I was all set to tell you about a wonderful book that I bought today but wouldn't ya know? I left the fucker at work and I soooo wanted to read it this evening!!! That just goes with what else the post is about anyway. The book is called, "The Tale of the Devil - A biography of Devil Anse Hatfield." If you haven't heard of the Hatfields and McCoys feud you are not from this planet, please go back from whence you came in peace. Okay, maybe its a just an American thing so all Canadians, South Africans and Australians may stay. I believe those are the folks who visit. Anyway, the Hatfield-McCoy feud is pure WV/KY history. Its especially interesting to me as my ancestors intermarried with both clans in the 1800's. None of my direct ancestors did but some of their progency did. After all, its all about family here. I've only made it through the preface or introduction or whatever they called it and the first chapter. Normally, I don't read the preface to any book. However, this one was quite interesting. It chronicles the migration of pioneers into the Appalachian mountains, tells about the geography (I remember that the average grade of an Appalachian mountain is 45% and the New River is thought to be the oldest river in the world.) and what sorts of folks could make it in the harsh, harsh land that was the Appalachians of the 1800's. The Appalachians were once thought to be higher than the Himalayans but through time and erosion they are now shorter than the Rockies. It is not unusual when hiking in the high dense forests of WV to come across fossils... of seashells. My dad found a huge block of sandstone once in Pocahontas County, an Eastern border county which had probably 100 seashell fossils in it. Its amazing to me to know that WV and all these mountains once stood under water. The book also goes on to explain why the Mountaineers were such clannish and private folk (and still are). Its because they came here, like most others, to escape religious persecution. Most were of Scotch-Irish descent. Meaning they were originally Scottish and were forced into Northern Ireland as the unwanted and eventually migrated to the Colonies. My family though were French and came basically for the same reason. The term "hillbilly," which causes we Mountaineers to cringe, is actually an endearment of sorts as the Scottish word for friend is "billy." Friends of the hills, yes, that's us. Just don't put your shanty up within shoutin' distance of ours and we'll be fine. I will post more about Devil Anse Hatfield as I read the book. One of his great-great-granddaughters was a client of ours and she certainly took her role as a Hatfield to heart. I know already that he was born about 10 years before my great-grandmother who is mentioned in my June post about Jesse James. He was a skilled hunter and equestrian. This book was written by one of his descendants and I'll get that information when I get the damn book from the office. Which leads me to the next thing. I have medical conditions known as depression and anxiety. I hate them. I had my first real depressive/anxiety episode before leaving for Germany when I was 17, which was par for the course I believe. The next was after, well, Gabriel was born. Ah shit, his name is Nate. My son's name is Nate. Pffffffft!! Anyway, it was bad and I blew it off to post-partum but it was full blown depression. The next episode was while the Drunk Boyfriend lived here. My grandfather died unexpectedly, 9/11, dealing with a drunk, dealing with Nate and his dad's abuse... I finally went on medication. Thank you, it worked very well. It was Wellbutrin. I know it caused some folks problems but for me, it was a dream drug. I was Queen of the World. Eventually, I weaned myself off and was doing okay, except I noticed that it became more difficult to focus and concentrate. I just worked harder. When my next depressive episode hit about two months ago, I was in agony and kept trying to muck and muddle through but knew I needed medication again. I did. This time they put me on Lexapro. Cool stuff. My depression and especially my anxiety are well under control on the lowest dose. Just one problem. The attention and concentration problems which I attributed to the depression are not gone. If anything, being clearer minded from the lack of depression, I'm noticing them more. I took an Adult ADD questionaire online. Let's just say, it doesn't look good. I'm a classic textbook case. My symptoms range from moderate to Whoa-you-really-got-a-problem. Since Nate was diagnosed with ADHD, I suspected that I was the source. Just to describe what its like: If I like something, I will do until I'm blue in the face, which is called - hyperfocus. For example, blogging. If I don't, then I have to force myself to do it and most of the time, don't get it done, like, oh say, housework. I live in a perpetual state of clutter. Clutter everywhere, everywhere, everywhere. I have been mucking through at work, severely under producing, which my boss has noticed. Other symptoms of Adult ADD include, gasp!, depression, anxiety and low self-esteem. Imagine that!! Not to mention, you forget shit!! Like, oh, that brand new fucking book I bought that I'm dying to read!!! And folks, let me tell you, my mind, never, ever fucking shuts up. Never. I do stupid shit like memorize license plates of cars and then look for the cars on my way to and from work. It keeps my mind busy. I daydream constantly. I will re-read the same medical record ten times before I write one sentence. And my mind runs and runs and runs. It just never shuts up. I was sleeping better when I started the Lexapro but now... forget it. Now, I will be exhausted and lay down in the bed and "bing" my eyes are open, I'm tossing and turning because my mind WON'T SHUT UP!!!! I don't obsess on one thing, I think about a million and they turn over and over and over in my mind, like a fucking B movie. So, what's the damn difference between Wellbutrin and Lexapro?? Wellbutrin is a second line medication for Adult ADD. While I took it, it took away my symptoms. When I went off, I was functioning okay, just had to work a little harder or maybe a lot harder but I didn't have the depression. Now, the Lexapro is bringing everything into focuse but is not a medication for ADD so, here I am, now I'm well enough to realize that I'm still fucked up. Isn't life just grand? I called around and found a doctor that specializes in Adult ADD and made an appointment for an intake and testing. I hope he can help me. I'm so sick of being this way. Its been almost 34 years and I think that's long enough. I just want to be able to go to work and do a good job, clean my house and spend time with my son. I really hope he can help me. By the way, I posted some new pics on my photoblog. Enjoy!
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    Blogger Seeker said...

    My God this post sounds vaguely like a conversation I had about a month or so back... hmmmmm.....

    8/11/2004 09:32:00 PM  
    Blogger Cattiva said...

    Where is this online questionaire? Lots in your post sounds awfully familiar.

    I was diagnosed after my second child and put on Prozac. It was a miracle drug for me at the time. The second episode several years later landed me on Wellbutrin, which had the added benefit of helping me quit smoking (of course I started again a year later), but killed the old sex drive. I guess nothing's perfect.

    Please do tell about the Hatfield book! American history is my thang. Thanks!

    8/11/2004 10:43:00 PM  
    Blogger Traci Dolan said...

    Seeker -- who was it you had that convo with? I forget.

    Cattiva -- Welcome!! Umm... what did you ask? Oh, yeah, about the survey thingy. Yeah, I don't remember..LOL... where I found the one I took but I found one for you at It says something like ADD checklist. I love history too, mainly WV history and world history especially things like the Romanovs of Russia, Alexander the Great, and Attila the Hun... but all history rocks!! Thanks for coming by. I'll check out your blog!!!

    8/11/2004 10:57:00 PM  
    Blogger Zelda said...

    You have described probably 90% of bloggers. I am convinced I have had ADD since I was a kid. I don't have a solution for it and I don't want drugs for it. I just want to have it and build a meaningful life around it. I've already come to the conclusion that barring a legal settlement or the lottery, I will never be a huge wage earner. Everything I like to do doesn't pay money and my labor is not worth the money that my boss/stepdad pays me. It has come down to a decision for me. Either I take the pills and stop doing what I love so that I can focus on what I don't love in order to make money, or I can be frugal and live my contemplative life.

    This doesn't make a whole lot of sense, because I'm actually at the place where I have to decide and I'm dithering.

    8/12/2004 12:38:00 AM  
    Blogger Traci Dolan said...

    Zelda - Yep, I do understand. This is such a hard thing to live with. I would like to build a meaningful life around it but that gets harder for me everyday. Do what makes you happy, cuz when the Mommy's happy, everbody's happy!!! :o)

    8/12/2004 06:18:00 AM  
    Blogger Esther said...

    Ok, I don't know about the feud, but it's ok, you can tell us all about it :)
    Reading about your symptoms it sounds like I have ADD as well.

    8/12/2004 10:14:00 AM  
    Blogger Celti said...

    Hmmmm...very interesting. I, too, have the thing with hyperfocus and my mind never shuts up either. Never. I have struggled with depression and anxiety and have taken a couple of different meds for it, though I am self-medicated now. I wonder...

    I hope your appointment leads you to some relief. *hug*

    I'll be very interested to hear more about the book. My Scotch/Irish ancestors came here in the 1800s and I eat up that kind of history.

    8/12/2004 10:14:00 AM  
    Blogger Paula said...

    i apologize if this is repeating anything said in previous posts, but i'm in a hurry and didnt read them all.
    your symptoms sound eerily familiar. my boyfriend was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and suffers from many of the same things. particularly the mind always racing thing and the hyperfocus. for example- he loves to play guitar and he had band practice last night. played for 4 hours straight. came home, first thing he did was get out his old banjo and start playing it. crazy stuff. but like you, he finally found the right doctors to help. he was diagnosed with all kinds of crap before...depression, bi-polar disorder, adult add... now he's on medication and is able to handle it all. i hope everything works out as well for you!

    8/12/2004 12:01:00 PM  
    Blogger Traci Dolan said...

    Paula - Welcome and thanks for stopping by. I hope whatever it is this doctor can help me have some peace and quiet in my life.

    8/12/2004 12:15:00 PM  
    Blogger Sloth said...

    Dude, quite describing all the things that make me cute and quirky as symptoms of ADD. It's freakin' me out. Looks like we all have it around here...

    8/12/2004 02:43:00 PM  
    Blogger ~Jessie said...

    I found your blog by way of Queenie's THE BUS blog, and I just want to say that you write extremely well. I enjoyed browsing through your posts; all very interesting and engaging, and I like your photos, too.

    8/12/2004 02:45:00 PM  
    Blogger jp said...

    I have ADD also. I hear that people with ADD make the best bloggers anyhow.

    8/12/2004 05:11:00 PM  
    Blogger Traci Dolan said...

    Esther and Celti -- Will be glad to share some history with you.

    Sloth - You're still adorable ole great furry one.

    Jessie - Thank very much, stop by again.

    JP - Yeah, we do!!

    8/12/2004 05:40:00 PM  
    Blogger Vadergrrrl said...

    ADD Bloggers Unite!


    I guess that is what makes us so tragic and creative.

    8/12/2004 06:34:00 PM  
    Blogger jp said...

    Is that anything like dyslexics of the world untie? :o)

    8/12/2004 06:37:00 PM  
    Blogger Queenie said...

    I am Canadian.
    And I know about them there hillbillies.


    8/12/2004 10:47:00 PM  
    Blogger Tsarina said...

    As I've mentioned before, I'm medicated for anxiety, and my meds help me fight the ADD symptoms- I can focus on tedious shit. Of course, my students love it when I'm off my meds, cuz we don't do ANYTHING for more than ten minutes, and we're all wild (we once did U.S. History set to music- lots of singing and dancing, which drove the other teachers nuts)!!! Keep working- good things are destined for you.

    8/12/2004 10:51:00 PM  
    Blogger Cattiva said...

    So...did you remember the book? Is it as good as you expected?

    8/12/2004 11:02:00 PM  
    Blogger Traci Dolan said...

    Vader -- grrrl it must be!

    JP -- Sorry dude, you got the wrong blog, only us ADDers here, dsylexia is down the hallway on the right.

    Queenie -- LOL!! I just didn't want to take it for granted that folks knew what it was. And its "them THAR hillbillies" :o)

    Tsarina -- I wish you have been my teacher!!!

    Cattiva -- Yeah, I remembered to bring the book home but then left it in the car... sigh. LOL!! I did read some more and yes it is good so far. Damn, already posted tonight but will get all pertinent info on it tomorrow.

    8/12/2004 11:41:00 PM  
    Blogger StickyWhiteDischarge said...


    8/13/2004 09:40:00 PM  

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