Wednesday, February 09, 2005

I am so *groan* ill

* This gets really sexually explicit near the bottom. Remember "Anything Goes"* By Sunday afternoon, I had a roaring headache which I took four ibuprofen for and laid in the bed. Last night it returned with a vengeance. I went home and laid down, hoping to sleep it off but Nate wouldn't allow that. Then I thought perhaps when I had something to eat that would help it out as well. Nope. If anything the flourescent lighting at IHOP just made it worse. I was lucky to make it home without throwing up. Ye Olde Migraine. I hate those bitches. I'm still groggy this morning and my stomach still feels yucky. Real yucky. Although I did eat something to see if it would settle down. Nate has done a complete 180 from where we were last week. Now, Sperm Donor wants to blame me for Nate being, what he described as, "whiny and wild" all weekend. And, of course, I want to blame Sperm Donor for whatever happened to the child I was working with last week. 1-8-0. Nate had a lot of homework to do last night and wormed around, lied and got his butt busted. I swear he turned around and mentally gave me the middle finger. I'm not a tapper. He had deliberately disobeyed me and I lit him up. He didn't cry, he just turned and looked at me. Now, forgive me but I KNOW SOMETHING IS WRONG!!! Something. Is. Wrong. So, I just got off the phone with Sperm Donor. Seems as though his girlfriend took the kids to see "The Boogeyman." What the fuck did she think she was doing? That's like Freddy Krueger and Nightmare on Elm Street which scared the shit out of me when I was 14, much less EIGHT!!! Then he decides to tell me that Nate had been acting up when his girlfriend took him and Aimee out and when they got in the car, Nate got pissed because the GF let Aimee sit up front and he started kicking the seat. And what does the GF do? She threatens to cut off my son's fingers and toes which then makes him cry. Is this how this woman raised her own children? I mean, how effective is that? You might scare the crap out of him but... how effective is that of being a deterrent to bad behavior? In order for it to be effective she would have to cut off his fingers and toes!!! Which I would kill her for. And Sperm Donor doesn't believe there is any type of discipline but a good beating. I generally jumped down his throat and told him how ignorant she is and how if she can't effectively discipline Nate then she doesn't need to be alone with him. FURTHERMORE, she made such a piss poor decision as to what movie was appropriate for him to watch, that its no wonder the child has been tossing, turning, kicking, moaning and groaning in the bed. He got up Monday morning looking like someone had socked him in both eyes. All the work I did to get him to bed at a decent hour, laying down and going to sleep by himself??? OUT THE DOOR! Start over. Sorry Mommy, back to square one... better yet, start at a deficit. Sperm donor said he was NOT HAPPY that she let him see that movie nor what she said to him. Now, I know why she told him what she had said to Nate. She was afraid that either, Aimee would tell her mom who would then call me (she just loves getting SD in trouble, not that he doesn't do a fine job of that by himself) or she was afraid that Nate would tell me. Which he has yet to do.... He ran over boundaries all weekend with no true consequences. I told SD that the GF needs to establish boundaries with real consequences. It doesn't mean he has to be beat into submission but he needs to realize there are CONSEQUENCES. Last night, I lost my temper and yelled at him. I've learned that the calmer I am, the more likely he is to listen and do what I tell him. If he knows he's upsetting me, well, then he's accomplished his goal. His goal is to upset me to the point where he gets his way. He didn't get his way but he succeeded in upsetting me. Of course, that's not hard to do when I feel like the top of my head is going to explode and I'm going to puke all over the place. It doesn't do any good to sit around and be mad at SD and the GF. It doesn't do any good to feel sorry for myself that I don't have a stronger in-house support system. I can't allow myself to lose control. I HAVE to stay calm. I have to. I. AM. IT. Although I can't help but think if I was getting fucked hot and hard every other day... okay, every day... no, no, twice a day, that somehow this would be easier to bear. Having a dick at my disposal to take my frustrations out on would be, at this point, heaven. The more stressed I get, the more I want it. The more tired, frustrated, pissed off, and angry I am, the more I want it, the more I crave a man's hands on my body and hot, urgent kisses. Where a mere breath breathed on my neck is enough to make every nerve tingle, where I want my body bit and sucked on, as though drawing poison out of it. Where he has to put one arm around my shoulders and one hand on my ass because he's fucking me so hard and we're so sweaty that he's afraid he'll fuck me right off the bed. And release... sweet release... the sheet-ripping, toe-curling, back-arching, breath-catching release. The sliding-down-his-body, licking-sweat-as-you-go-until-he's-straddling-your-shoulders, taking him in your mouth, hands on his ass pulling him deeper inside, his hands in your hair, holding your face both tenderly and savagely with him inside of you, and you watch his muscles tremble, his eyes close... his head falling back as he gives himself over to the release. You're watching it and feeling it and tasting it. Its power and love and lust and hate and anger and understanding connectivity passion greed ambition pleasure and pain kaleidoscope cacaphony spiritual earthly heaven and hell I WANT THAT
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