Home Remedies

Hey ya’ll! Its Inanna. First, I want to thank Kristin for taking the helm and steering us through the murky waters of the next to last familial holiday of the year. Hope you all enjoyed your turkey or tofurkey or whatever it was you had, your family didn’t reenact their favorite scene from Jerry Springer, and your great uncle Milt didn’t fart at the table. Deer hunting wasn’t that great this year due to the fact I couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn with an elephant gun. Maybe my heart just wasn’t in it this year for a few reasons. Anyway, last night I was awaken about 12:45 by my jaw. I have TMJ disorder, where the little joint in my jaw decides its going to get out of whack, probably from grinding my teeth, and gets all the muscles in my cheek irritated which then bunches up the nerves inside the muscle which causes considerable pain. Since the nerves are involved, it can be bad enough that I wake up with my legs jerking and flinching. My father, kind as he is, gave me some medication (on Saturday) that he takes for his TMJ, swearing it would not make me drowsy. Forty minutes later I’m face down on the dinner table with a hot rice pack on my jaw, drooling. Non-drowsy my ass. I could still feel some pain, I just didn’t care. After four hours of dozing and another hot rice pack, I was able to drive my carcass home and collapse into my own bed. I could still feel the effects of it all day yesterday, so I had a pretty good day. I felt more relaxed and generally just felt a few twinges before I went to bed. That went to hell in a handbag at 12:45. I know no other way to describe the pain other than a constant contraction in my face. That’s right, a labor contraction, never ending. It makes me want to rip my jaw off of my face. If the nerves weren’t going crazy in that area I would cry, but I’m too busy being angry about the pain and flinching and running my hands through my hair and generally being miserable. I have devised a system which, as far as home remedies goes, cures just about anything, except the common cold. Hell, it might cure that too. Haven’t had the opportunity to try it out. Of course, it has to vary based on the ailment but here is my proven home remedy for TMJ pain. Take four ibuprofen. Take a hot shower and allow water to pound on face until all the hot water is gone. Massage offending area while in hot water. Once out of the shower, massage face with extra strength pain relief cream. Do not get in eye. Eye will water anyway from fumes. It will stop. Orgasm. Do not use the same hand you used to apply the extra strength pain relief cream or this will not work. If someone else is helping you, wash your hands. I am of the opinion that orgasm can cure ½ of all everyday aches, pains, and ailments. It is a natural antihistamine, natural anti-depressant, natural pain reliever, natural muscle relaxer. Used in conjunction with other therapies, it heightens their effect, at least in my experience. Headache? Drink a glass or two of water, take a few OTC pain pills of your choice, chase with coffee, orgasm. Ta da! No, headache. Granted we all can’t stop that meeting we’re in to go rub one out but I did say it was a home remedy. Happy Monday!