Saturday, August 21, 2004

My Ideal Man - List and Rules

Everyone has a list... so baaaaaa... following the herd. (Tip: If you just want to read about sex, its at the bottom of the page.) Education 1. Have one. Employment 1. Have a job. 2. Keep the job you have. 3. Have ambition to better yourself if its not what you want. 4. Don’t fuck around with women on the job (or anywhere). Intelligence 1. Be able to carry an intelligent conversation and help me win Strip Trivial Pursuit, otherwise we’ll be naked in front of the neighbors. 2. If you know something, you know it, don’t rub it in. If you don’t, don’t act like you do. Bullshit stinks, even yours. Housekeeping Skills 1. I’ll cook if you clean. 2. I’ll try really hard to pick up after myself if you do the same. 3. Aim for the hole in the middle of the toilet. If you miss, clean it up yourself. 4. Seat down at night, in the daylight I can see that its up and won’t sit my ass in toilet water. 5. If its not in the laundry room it won’t get washed. I’m too ADD to remember to wash half the time anyway. Do it yourself but don’t bitch at me. I’m not the maid. Kids/Critters 1. It helps if you love kids and cats, actually, you have to, we’re a package deal... all 10 of us. 2. You will need to protect your most precious things from us... kids like to draw, cats like to claw and me, I’m just clumsy. 3. If I love you, my kid and my cats will too. 4. If you have kids, great! Although I would still like to have one... or two, with you. 5. You’re children will be treated as one of my own... boo-boo’s will be kissed, band-aids applied, discipline given and they will be loved. We will occasionally gang up on you... deal with it. 6. If you abuse my child in any way, it is grounds for death. I won’t stand for it. 7. You may throw one cat from the bed at 5 a.m. on weekends only, otherwise, turn over and give me love since we’re awake anyway. 8. Any kids are our responsibility, not just yours, not just mine, ours. Personal Appearance 1. Cleanliness is next to godliness and next to my body. 2. All teeth must be present and neat in appearance. 3. My body is not perfect, I don’t expect yours to be, but be reasonable. I want to look nice for you, do the same for me. 4. Taller than me is good. A lot taller than me is even better. 5. You absolutely must have bigger hands than I do. I have very small hands, this should not be difficult. Interests 1. It would be nice if we had some common interests. 2. It would also be nice if we didn’t so you’re not stuck up my ass all the time and likewise, I’m not stuck up yours. Money 1. It would be nice to have a savings account. 2. Bills first, then fun. Friends 1. Hope you have some. 2. No, they will not move in with us, nor will mine. 3. I hope you go out with them occasionally and get out of my hair, if not, I hope I make you and you likewise make me go out with mine. Drinking/Drugs 1. Drink a few but don’t be a drunk. 2. No drugs (exceptions are made for pot on a highly limited basis and only when the kids are away) 3. I smoke, so can you, but I would hope we would help each other quit. Sex/Intimacy 1. Sex three to five times a week, more if you want it but I like to at least keep it at three as a minimum. 2. I like giving blowjobs. Let me when I want to, especially if the deep south is on the bench for a week. 3. Don’t talk my ear off after sex. Spoon me. 4. Multiple positions are good, in one night, or spread out, it makes no difference. 5. Be willing to learn some new positions. 6. Realize the bedroom is not the only place to have sex. 7. Shower with me, frequently. 8. Kiss the top of my shoulders and my back in doggy position. 9. Communication is important in all aspects of a relationship... talk dirty to me. 10. Let me strip for you. 11. Tie me up and tease me and I’ll do the same for you. Kinky is a good, good thing. 12. Flavored lubes and massage lotion rock. 13. I love giving massages whether they lead to sex or not. 14. Kiss me, deeply and passionately, at least once a day. 15. I don’t use sex as a weapon, don’t do that to me. Its degrading and I don’t deal well with that. 16. Hugging, snuggling and hot smoldering looks are good foreplay, even hours before we can be alone. Flirt with me. 17. Third parties may be included on a limited alternating basis at the agreement and enjoyment of both partners. One for me, one for you... can’t handle it, don’t start it. 18. Otherwise, if you fuck around on me, you will be dismissed, divorced and I will get half your shit. If you give me a disease, curable or not, you will die a slow, painful death. 19. Flirt all you want, get lap dances with your buddies, just remember you’re coming home to me, keep your hands and lips to yourself and your dick in your pants. 20. If you abuse me physically or emotionally, two words... Burning Bed. I'm sure I forgot some things.... but I think I hit the high points. Applications are now being taken... LOL!!!
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    Blogger Seeker said...

    Bah! Fecken Rules! Respect is what its all about.

    8/21/2004 11:53:00 PM  
    Blogger Traci Dolan said...

    R-E-S-P-E-C-T ... now why didn't I think of that? I could have saved everyone the time. Seeker Rules Again.

    8/22/2004 12:30:00 AM  
    Blogger Varla said...

    I agree with pretty much all of those myself...except I like cats AND I need the love for both. And the third party thing...lemme know if you're ever in San Francisco! =)

    8/22/2004 03:01:00 AM  
    Blogger Esther said...

    It's always good to know what you want! A definate improvement on "tall, dark and handsome". Good luck :)

    8/22/2004 03:45:00 PM  
    Blogger Traci Dolan said...

    Varla - you cutie!! I'll keep that in mind. I love all critters... just happen to have 8 cats right now and no dogs.

    Esther - Damn! I forgot to put that on there!!! For some reason I am attracted to dark haired, dark eyed men but I'm pretty equal opportunity... bald, blond... male species...

    8/22/2004 04:10:00 PM  
    Blogger Cattiva said...

    Geeze chickie, this is a FABULOUS post!!! I see you've been busy this weekend, so I've got some catching up to do.

    8/22/2004 08:18:00 PM  
    Blogger AGB 1 said...

    Good to know.

    8/22/2004 11:41:00 PM  
    Blogger Outburst said...

    Great post and now I'm gonna borrow the idea for my own blog.
    You know what they say about imitation... ;)

    8/23/2004 10:50:00 AM  
    Blogger Uncle Shoe said...

    where's that application form?

    8/23/2004 01:59:00 PM  
    Blogger dougs510 said...

    I'll say one thing, you make me laugh my ass off :) Gracious chulita.

    8/26/2004 10:26:00 AM  

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