He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not
Bald UPS Guy Update
No, he doesn't love me. Anyway, we went to this really great Lebanese restaurant. The food was fantastic!! And, it was very nice. I liked him more after this date. I was pretty up front with my expectations which were, we'll see. He's a joker and a cut-up. We talked about personal boundaries and space, ex's and quirks and perks. We're on for lunch next week again. Guess I'll see where it goes. Now...
AZ
Whether any guy I date realizes it or not, that's who their up against. Its unfair and bullshit. I know this. As hard as I try to find the flaw in order to peel the part of my onion that deals with AZ, I either won't or I can't. Maybe I'm not ready. Part of me feels if he would just sit down with me and be honest about our friendship, relationship etc. that I could finally, in one way or another, move on. Part of me tells me that this may never happen for one of two reasons: 1) He knows I will move on or 2) he just never wants to admit anything and things are better left the way they are.
The other part of me says I'm wasting my life continually looking for the traits in him that I find so appealing, in other men. With AZ, I found that unique combination of friendship, intelligence, humor, ambition and sexual attraction. Not that he doesn't have some pretty major flaws, potentionally deal breaking ones. That important conversation we almost had the other day was about the last letter I sent him. Where I told him to get his head out of his ass. I wanted to address the situation at least by voice, if not in person.
I will see him tomorrow after work. I will ask him to give me a call or stop by since I will be sans child and maybe we can clear the air a bit. He has the URL to this blog but I doubt seriously that he reads it... lack of time. And besides, there's nothing here he doesn't already know.
I'm sure some folks are like, well, why can't you just accept he wants to be "just friends"? Well, I think it would help if he told me that. Its not like we're fuck buddies. We've fooled around over the past 12 years but never sealed the deal. Its like "don't count me in, but don't count me out." And he's not had trouble in the past saying certain things... why would he hedge on this? I know, you guys don't have any answers.
I think, just once and for all, I would like to know what his feelings toward me are. I know he cares for me, I know he thinks of me as a good friend and someone he can confide in. The burning question for me is .... is there in the immediate future a future for us as a couple?
There's a lot more history that I could go into but perhaps I'll blog about that later. Twelve years of hits and misses is a lot. What really bummed me out is how I had a nice lunch with a decent fellow and I feel bad because AZ is on my mind. I feel like... I don't know... stupid. I think its unfair to be with someone and be thinking about someone else. I did tell the UPS guy that I was dealing with a few things and I wasn't interested in getting into anything serious. I don't know if he heard that or just pretended to.
Well, if anyone has any ideas as to how I can hog tie AZ and get this situation out in the open, I'm game as hell for suggestions. Hell, I might have to hog tie him. Well, let me go practice my roping. Happy Wednesday!!
9 Comments:
Wow, what an honest post. Keeping in mind that I don't know either of you or the history, it sounds like you're probably dead on. AZ doesn't want you to move on or he doesn't want the "scene" of a "big talk" and a resolution. Maybe he likes knowing you are there for him. Sometimes people are uncomfortable with a changing relationship. Afraid to take it to the next level for fear of losing the friendship should something go wrong, afraid to lose the friendship by hurting the other person by being honest that there is no next level possible.
I say forego the hog tying. Forcing a heart to heart may make him really uncomfortable. I think you're right playing it his way for now. He doesn't want to talk about it? OK. You're going out with the UPS guy. What's the worst that can happen there? You're making a new friend. It might spur AZ into a discussion just knowing you are moving on (or at least looking like you are). Fake it 'til you make it. If he seems content leaving things as they are, then you sort of have your answer about where his feelings are.
It's a tough position you're in. I hope that response doesn't sound harsh or anything? I didn't mean it to. And hey, what the hell do I know anyway? Good luck!
Catt -- The last thing I need are peeps tiptoeing around not wanting to hurt Nanny's feelings. I found your comment most helpful and I think I need to get that into my mind... if he wanted it to change it would and if it doesn't, then he doesn't want it to, but at the same time, that is really hard for me to deal with and let go of. Guess I just need to keep peeling the onion.
Inanna - IF things start to get serious with you and this UPS guy, I guaran-damn-tee you that AZ will react one way or the other.
Inanna: I hate limbo situations! Not the game with the stick, but the not knowing where you stand. You both must try your best to reconcile each other's places in your lives, for better or worse. Do it (says the guy who seems always to be in limbo). Keep going on dates with Bald UPS dude. You never know, it might help things to fall in place too.
Perhaps AZ is one of those guys who lacks the potential for commitment. It sounds as if he has only dated people for whom there were no real long term possibilities. I know people like this and they are great, but it's hell if you fall in love with them. I know it is hard to stop comparing the guys you date to him, but you may end up missing out on good qualities other guys posess that AZ doesn't. I speak from experience. I almost lost Jethro to my vain comparisons of him to someone else. Thank God I snapped out of it in time to realize that the greatest guy on earth actually wanted me.
I will echo some other comments here and say "if az doesn't want to talk about it, so what?" It's not like UPS guy is proposing, or anything. This isn't a julia roberts movie. :)
maybe things will happen with AZ, maybe not. I would still confront him on it, but I'm not sure that would help how you feel. you need to make the decision whether or not to continue to hold out for az, even if nothing ever happens, or move on, regardless.
that probably makes no sense, and helps not at all. bleah. best of luck, though!
I am the last person who should ever give romantic advice, so on the AZ vs UPS situation, I'll remain quiet. I just wanted to say good luck on whatever you decide- I wish you the best.
Hey hey, Inanna, it seems a lot of wise folks here have given you the same advice that I would give you so I will simply say good luck and do whatever makes you happiest.
Thanks to everyone who commented, especially JP and Dastard as I think its important to hear what both sexes think about the situation. I have to say though, Sloth, what you said woke me up. You're damn right. I'm so much better than this and if he can't or won't act on what we already have, then he can watch it walk away and be with someone else. His loss. I deserve everything you said, someone who says it loud and proud and without shame, THIS IS MY GIRL!!! This hurts but a sistah's gotta do, what a sistah's gotta do.
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