Friday, November 12, 2004

2:34 a.m.

I was lying in the bed and I couldn’t sleep. I have too many things in my head to sleep. None of them good. First, did you really think I would stop blogging? I thought I would but I... I just got too much going on upstairs. Its interfering with writing my novel more than blogging ever could. I was disappointed in myself at first but then realized that as long as I keep going, that’s all that matters. I love my characters and I want to take them a lot of places. It might take a while to get there but they will survive long after NaNoWriMo. Second, I was tired of laying in the bed crying and trying not to. Ahhh... Nanna is an emotionally complex individual prone to bouts of situational insanity. I thought about Red for a while and then quietly let him go. Knowing all along this was a bad thing for me. Do you believe that? I hope not, because what I just wrote was complete and utter bullshit. I just decided since I wasn’t going to lie to myself, why gloss things over for you guys? I mean, why spare anyone else my angst? I do that all the time so let’s try something different. Share my angst with me. Yeah, my biggest worry is that I was a really bad lay. Part of me says that is entirely impossible. And then that little voice starts talking to me.... I really don’t like that voice. I would hate to think that my sucking and fucking skills stink. I will admit that although I had a great time and it was entirely enjoyable for me, maybe it wasn’t for him. Then I thought, well, then why did we do it two times? If it sucked so much the first time, why do it again? Unless... he just wanted to give me another chance. The situation with Red is not my biggest worry though. My biggest worry is that question my psychiatrist keeps asking me. "Are you happy?" Define "happy" doc. What the fuck is HAPPY? I would suppose its that all encompassing... "even though I got problems, life is pretty grand" shit, huh? Well, let’s take a trip back to July 1988-July 1989. That was the last time I felt that "all encompassing happiness." That was the year I spent in Germany, for those of you just joining the program. What was NOT to be happy about? A year away from my mother with a family who accepted me for who I was and towards the end, a boyfriend who cared about me. Friends and freedom. Freedom, absolute fucking freedom. School... eh. I had to have two credits to graduate high school. English and World Cultures. I think I got the World Culture thing down just fine. No one really cared if I showed up for class or not. My host parents were lenient but also strict. In other words, I could pretty much do whatever I wanted in the daylight and at night time I had to be very careful, call in, stay with a group, or get picked up by my dad. I could drink. I smoked. They didn’t approve of the smoking and they let me know that but... they didn’t yell and scream and stomp their feet. Yep, it was hedonistic. I actually enjoyed spending time with my family. I drew a lot, wrote a lot, went to the opera a lot. It was joyful. The second most hedonistic time was during college, although it was filled with angst as well. I hung out in the Art building, have no idea why as I wasn’t an Art major. Its just where I ended up. That’s where I spent my time with a group of peeps like me, into music, drawing, photography, writing. A whole bunch of us... sometimes up to 15 of us. Its where I would sleep between classes because I carried a heavy class load and I worked practically full-time too. Its where I met Red. Right after Red and I broke up... okay, he dumped me right before Valentine’s Day... long story... I met AZ. Now, that was angst filled yet hedonistic all at the same time. I remember being and feeling very safe and secure with him and therefore, happy. The last great, great moment of happiness prior to Nate (and let’s Nate out of this completely because he’s not responsible for my happiness or sadness) was in January 1995. I was with AZ at his house and I was standing in front of his mirror, nude from the waist up and he came up behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist, and we looked at each other in the mirror. Something so simple.... I can’t ever really remember being happy with Nate’s dad. Not like I should have been but I was stupid. And since then, there’s been those brief flashes of happiness. Like the first time the ex-drunk-boyfriend kissed me. That’s kind of ruined now though, given what happened between us. And, when I looked into Red’s eyes last Saturday. Pretty sad huh? I had always bucked the system and I paid for it dearly. Emotionally. After Nate, I slid into a conformity of sorts. I paid dearly to have Nate and truly I felt as though I owed it to him to straighten my life up and finally play by the rules. Which I did. And I have. Those days are over. I’m not playing by anyone’s rules anymore but mine. My life wasn’t perfect nor entirely happy when I was a little more on the "wild side," but it sure beats this fucking purgatory. And I figure that I'll just be all around happier if I acknowledge that there are many facets to me... some are matronly and others are... ahem... very, very "bad"... and actually be all of those facets instead of trying to always be what other's see to be the "good" parts. Good = boring = unhappy. Good + bad = happier. So what does that mean exactly? Does it mean I’m going to go out trolling every other weekend to see if I can laid? Possibly. It may also mean that I go out trolling every other weekend just to meet new men. It may also mean that I may need to be a little more aggressive in the things that I want but haven’t gone after because I was playing ‘nice.’ So who and what are on the hit list? They’ll know when I get to them.
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