Tuesday, November 30, 2004

The pissed rant

I’m holding a dead kitten in my lap. Sapphire was dead when I got home this evening, nestled in among her siblings, her little bony body still warm, her little face between her paws. And Nate and I have cried and I’m still crying. She nursed really good yesterday morning and last night but, let’s face it, something was wrong with her. She wasn’t growing, hell, she still had her umbilical cord. There probably was something wrong on the inside because she didn’t get enough time to grow or room in the womb. It’s a fact of animal life. No, I don’t think its morbid that I’m sitting here with her on my lap. I look down at her and stroke her soft fur and wish her well. So what if she was only 11 days old. Big fucking deal. I have a connection with animals that I can’t explain and her dying breaks my heart. And as I have told Nate, when we lost Mongoya, and now, that they had a good home and they were loved. For their short life, they were loved. That’s what really matters. Why am I pissed? Well... fuck, I had a different post planned about what irked me today because several things did but now this one thing stands out most. AZ and Lex called me from the studio today. Can I just say this was awkward? I haven’t talked to Lex since I dumped him. Sure, we’ve chatted off and on but I haven’t spoken to him. AZ, well, we all know about him. Yeah, I spent time speaking in code to AZ and trying to keep my tongue in check because I’m lady enough not to diss Lex in front of one of his friends. I told them that I had five new kittens two days before my birthday so now I had 13. Lex said, "Damn, you had too many when you had eight." I said, "Well, I may lose one." What I WANTED TO SAY was... "Look fucktard, its not like I asked you to take care of my cats m’kay! And furthermore, since I own my house and don’t live with my mommy, I’ll do whatever the fuck I want." AZ didn’t say anything at all because he KNOWS how I feel about my cats. He knows that I have tried to reduce my population. He has the same problem with people telling him to get rid of his dog. He loves the floppy eared mangy beast and... therefore he keeps him. The whole fucking conversation with Lex and AZ was... just terrible on my part. I mean, fuck, maybe Lex doesn’t know about mine and AZ’s relationship, but AZ does. And AZ definitely knows about my relationship with Lex and how I felt and how much it hurt me.... I want to call AZ and rip his ass apart. You have no idea!! NONE!!! As in, "What the fuck were you thinking?" As in, "You admitted you guys were talking about me why didn’t you just come out and tell him that I suck your dick and did it not cross your mind that I would feel a weeeeee bit uncomfortable talking to both of you!" Men are stupid creatures!!! Fucking stupid!!! I IMed Lex when I got home, before I started writing this to tell him, "Now I have 12 because I found the runt dead." I did. I DID, I DID, I DID. Crass asshole. I wanted to ask him if that’s the reason he wouldn’t have sex with me, or go out with me or treat me any better than what he did. That’s what I wanted to ask him. Were my eight cats the reason you are an EMOTIONAL CRIPPLE??? Answer that ASSHOLE!!! ANSWER THAT!!! And fuck you prick... Yeah, its okay for me to overlook the fact that YOU LIVE WITH YOUR MOTHER AT THE AGE OF 34!!! But, you wanna bitch about my cats??? Fuck you!!! FUCK. YOU. FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU. YEAH, YOU’RE GODDAMN RIGHT I TAKE IT PERSONAL!!!!!!! FUCK. YOU. And I want AZ to call me... I want him to. I want him to call me and explain why the fuck he did that. Lex would have NEVER known my phone number at work. He had such an indifference to calling me AT ALL!!! I know I’m so mad and upset that if I call him, I’ll just bawl and sob and yell and be really, really pissed. And then he’ll yell at me and then we’ll both feel bad. I’ve been mad at AZ before, but this takes the fucking cake. THIS IS PERSONAL!!! This hits me where it hurts. Two of my biggest failed relationships on the phone with me at the SAME FUCKING TIME! JEEEEZUUUSSSS... SLAP ME HARDER!!! GOD, I LOVE IT, I LOVE THE PAIN, SLAP ME HARDER!!! BEAT ME ‘TIL I’M RED!!! BEAT ME! BEAT ME! MAKE IT HURT!!!! DON’T LET ME FORGET!!! And its raining and cold and I have to dig a hole. Morticia keeps jumping my lap, licking her baby, like she’s trying to wake her up. That is just too sad to take so I gotta go do what I gotta do. I need to go out and get cat food for the others and beads for Nate’s sister’s necklace and for a few others and I can’t go with a glowing red nose and red rimmed eyes. Okay, yeah, I’m gonna have to. *sigh* Oh and just for the record, FUCK YOU LEX! And AZ, get your head out of your ASS!
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