Saturday, November 27, 2004

The Nannerbananerburg Address

383 years after the Algonquins saved the white bread Pilgrim asses by showing them how to hunt, plant and gather, I hold these truths to be somewhat evident, at least to me: 1. No matter how steep a mountain is going up, it will contort at least one of your knees going down. 2. The moment you look up while scouting or stalking is the exact moment you will step in a mud hole up to your hip. 3. Hunting into the wind during a snow storm will cause ice to form on your eyebrows and eyelashes. 4. Any 16 degree drop in the temperature is never a good thing. 5. Neither is leaving your gloves and toboggan at home. 6. If the strap on your rifle breaks twice and the barrel of said rifle goes into the mud it is best not to discharge said firearm and return to base to clean said rifle. 7. If on the way to clean said rifle you miss taking a shot at an eight point buck, said buck will never reappear anytime during your natural life and will become a phantom of the forest. (The yellow antlered bastard!) 8. Awakening at 4:00 a.m., driving an hour and a half, walking 10 miles, stuffing yourself with turkey, and then driving another hour and a half, will cause you to oversleep the next morning. 9. You cannot shoot a rifle if you’re too scared to let go of the tree stand. 10. Frustration is when your father tells you half of a second before dusk that he would like you to shoot a doe for his starving neighbors when you have passed up six opportunities to shoot does and then do not see another deer during the remaining nanosecond of daylight. 11. Double frustration is dealing with your nephews. 12. Quadruple frustration is dealing with your parents who are dealing with your nephews. 13. It is best while seated at the table for Thanksgiving dinner to "get in the zone" of turkey, dressing, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, cranberries, corn, beans, roll, deviled egg, drink tea - repeat - repeat - repeat. This will save you the frustration of watching one nephew flip mashed potatoes on the other and makes for a more enjoyable dining experience. 14. While forced to look at your sister-in-law’s scrapbooking efforts, attempt to refrain from mentioning that you are missing from the entire year of 2004. 15. Also while looking at said scrapbook, attempt to forget that you read about the conception of your niece. 16. The creatures in the forest are much tamer than the yard apes at the house. 17. Sitting in a warm patch of sunlight, with your head in a comfortable niche, toboggan on, hood up, rifle across your lap, is the perfect way to catch an afternoon nap. Ahem.... not that I would know. 18. The reason you eat turkey on Thanksgiving is because the little shits keep giving up your position to the deer so you shoot them instead. 19. The wind chill is in direct correspondence to your age in negative numbers. 20. You will see five times more deer on the drive home than you did in the two days you hunted.
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