A Conversation With Santa

Okay, finally, as I have been promising for... oh ... I don’t remember. Anyway. I’ve already had a killer Yuletide and its not even Ho-Ho Day yet. How has your hostess with the mostess made out so far? Let’s see: Bonus at work. Boss sends another $100 in the mail. I used part of my bonus to buy a ticket to KANSAS CITY!!! Okay, you knew that already. I used part of the $100 to buy U2's new CD and John Mellencamp’s Greatest Hits. I LOVE HIM! I also bought new pajamas (WVU - Blue/Gold) and a new pair of slippers (fuzzy light blue). I still have almost thirty bucks left. My other boss and his wife got me a Godiva chocolate bar, Ahava foot cream (from their trip to Israel and the Dead Sea), and a beautiful black, white and red scarf. I went to see my bud PC and he gave Nate and I ... oh boy, this is SOOOO GOOOD... THE LORD OF THE RINGS version of TRIVIAL PURSUIT!! Two of my favorite things in the world, COMBINED!! *Salivating* He also gave me the pajama set that he was supposed to give the girlfriend he broke up with. My luck he is too lazy to return it at the mall. It has dogs on it and its pink. Its a little tight across the chest but, oh well, I’m too lazy, agoraphobic and claustrophobic to exchange it at the mall. Hate the mall. Now, I didn’t ask for any of that (okay, I prayed real hard for the bonus) but frankly I would be happy with flannel pajamas, new tunes, and LOTR Trivial Pursuit. However, there is one thing I do want to ask Santa for so let me interrupt him at the most important time of year because I’m narcissistic that way. *Phone ringing* Hey, Santa its Inanna... Yeah, that Inanna... What do I want? Well, In case anyone hasn’t told you already, I’ve been a very good girl this year. *Whoever just snorted, shut up* Now Santa, I know you normally have a pretty tough time with me since I do tend to be a naughty girl. I think though this year, you will see that I am more than deserving of my request. For starters, I have not gotten drunk and flashed the conductor of the train that sits next to my house on the weekends. What? That time in March? Oh, see, that was a wardrobe malfunction. You know those March winds are killer! Its like you’re just walking along and UP comes the shirt. Really. I haven’t been in front of any men on my knees... on the floor. I haven’t lied to my mother...very much and if I did it was so she wouldn’t have a heart attack. Lies of omission only count for men. I haven’t watched any porn...on my TV. I have only slept with two men this year. Okay, so one of them was married. But just one and it only happened ONE time. You have to admit, this is an improvement. I was very reasonable with my other gift requests. (Inanna: I want a George Forman Grill. Mom: What kind? Inanna: The kind that cooks food/Inanna: A scanner would be nice. Mom: What kind? Inanna: The kind that scans pictures.) I have combed my hair... three times this year. No one notices the tangles if its in a bun anyway. My house has been neat...seven out of the twelve months. Also an improvement, up from two. I have not taken any drugs not prescribed by a phys ... never mind. My alcohol consumption has definitely dropped this year. *No wonder I’ve been cranky* I have contributed my time and money towards worthy causes. *Ha! Got you on that one! Oh, deduct points for gloating* I have not given any Christians the finger... to their face. I have not been caught speeding. *I didn’t say I haven’t been speeding, I said I haven’t been caught speeding... see the difference?* I have not masturb... skip that. Skip that... skip that... skip that.... Oh and I’ve made wonderful new friends all over the world... What? What do you mean they’re a bad influence?! Oh. Regan? The Spongebob thing? Oh. Well. Um. You know, maybe she just thought it happened... oh, it did for real huh... yeah. Well, that’s just one out of many... Sid?... oh she’s always like that... that’s why she’s the Mistress of Doomy Burrito Rants... *rolls eyes* ... she did what?... you don’t say... hmmmm... well, I’m sure it was just a one time thing. *Ahem* But she writes those great haikus!! *hmpf!* Well, what about Tsarina and Angi... sweet, sweet peeps, doing good in the world. Yeah, take that Santa. Hey! Jamie is a nurse and is also doing good things!... so what about that party! ... geez, you sure are picky this year! Wait, wait, wait! I thought its "he knows when you’ve been bad or good," and you’re just bringing up all the bad stuff! I keep doing what? Making things worse for myself?! Explain there fucker in red.... Who?... Oh, you mean Sayven, you said "Seh-ven" and its "Say- ven, soft "n", a little nasal, like bien, see the fucking difference? Now, look here St. Dick, I’m here with just one small simple request and I’m getting the third degree... Oh? You got one word for me?? Bring it on you fairy dust snortin’, Reindeer abusin’, elf molestin’, old fart!... Oh. Trashman. Yeah, I get it... Well, just so you know you old fuck, he’s MY sunshine, just like the rest, and I didn’t really want that sheet-ripping-sweat-dripping-back-arching-toe-curling-nail-raking-screaming-until-I-can't-breath-passing-out sex. Ya’ll worth more than that. Happy Hanukkah. Kool Kwanza. Bright Yuletide Blessings. Merry Christmas. (If I missed your holiday, tell a mammal that cares and quit whining. )