Friday, June 10, 2005


Resilience That’s me, Mizz Resilience. Forget Nanner, forget da Peach, its Mizz Resilience to you. You’ll recognize that trait amongst others in Blogland... Tsarina, Trashman, Rita, Brighton... and many others. I learn more everyday by just being here, in the world, in the Blogosphere. I once described falling in love something like, "trying to negotiate a steep mountain after a downpour. You stealthily move from rock to root, grasping branches, scooting on your butt, until that one rock breaks away or that branch breaks in your hand and suddenly your sliding down the embankment, desperately clawing at the mud to stop your descend but instead you pitch ass over teakettle into a clump of thorns, torn and bleeding, with the air knocked out of you." This time, however, its so much more refined than a quick tumble down a West Virginia mountain. Its more like a chess game. Strategically positioning the pieces, thinking through the other’s reactions before making a move. This is how life changes us. This is how pain and hurt influence our decisions. I can’t really say "us," or "our" because I don’t own any part of that. This is so not who I am or ever have been. I don’t look before I leap. I don’t strategically position pieces. I don’t think about my past much anymore. I only think about the lessons I’ve learned. They are not the same. So what if I’ve fallen down that hill a few times. So what if I’ve come out torn up, bleeding, crying, weeping, devastated, lost, betrayed, poor, depressed, angry, disgusted, and hurt. GODDAMN THE HURT AND MAKE IT GO AWAY. And it did go away and I’m better and stronger because of it. There have been times I have been down on my knees in those thorns and I have wept thousands of tears. I have sobbed into my fists and I have hated and I have questioned, "why me?" or worse, "why not me?" Because then I wouldn’t be here and I wouldn’t be with you. I no longer look back and think, "what if?" and imagine something easy and happy and harmonious. If it was meant to exist it would have and it still would, but it doesn’t. If it did, I wouldn’t be here today. I’m not that person anymore and I guarantee, neither are they. And if they are, who the fuck wants someone who can’t grow or won’t? Twister may not be a profound movie but it does have a line that I repeat to myself sometimes. "Stop living in the past and look what you got right in front of you." Standing on that mountain, you just never know. The mountains are alive, they have their own histories, their own voice. Maybe I’ll get caught in the storm and fall ass over teakettle. Maybe I’ll just trip and fall on my face. Maybe I’ll lay on my back and watch the Earth move. But maybe... maybe when I smile to myself because I hear the wind talking to the trees, when the sun kisses me, and I stand at the top of the mountain because I am somebody, because I’m worthy, and I run. I run down that mountain with the wind chasing me and I see the point, where the sky meets the edge of the Earth, and I know this is it. Maybe the rock will crumble, maybe the branch will break, but maybe the wind will catch me and I’ll fly. That’s what I live for. No matter how often or how hard I fall down, no matter how much it hurts, I get up and I walk it off. Sometimes I got to walk a long way to get rid of the pain, but I do, because I don’t live for the pain, I live to fly. Fly with me.
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