Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Kickin' the Tires and Lightin' the Fires of Dissent and Piss

The Conservative Christian Talking Heads are fussin’ mad at Bush because instead of saying, "Merry Christmas" on the White House cards, they say, "Happy Holidays," or something similar. Mark this down, I’m going to defend Bush, but not on principles of interfaith horseshit, but on that same conservative Christian foundation. Aren't these the same conservative Christian Talking Heads that fuss about keeping "under God" in the Pledge of Allegiance? Are they? Do ya’ll know any other conservative Christian Talking Heads in this country? Yeah, me neither. By now, you should know that the Pledge of Allegiance didn’t always have the phrase, "under God," in it. It was added during the Cold War so that we better-than-thou Americans could further separate ourselves from those devil lovin’ Commies. And as we’re all taught, the Pilgrims came to the new world to escape religious persecution in England and therefore this was a nation based on Christian principles. Attention Conservative Christian Talking Heads!!! ATTENTION: THIS IS AN IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT FROM HISTORY (something ya’ll obviously forgot to study). THE PILGRIMS DID NOT CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS. IT WAS ACTUALLY OUTLAWED IN BOSTON FROM 1659 TO 1681 BY THE VERY PEOPLE WHO CAME TO THIS COUNTRY FOR RELIGIOUS FREEDOM. (The settlers at Jamestown, however, DID celebrate. But we’re talkin’ 'bout Pilgrims here.) Christmas was unheard of until Pope Julius I declared December 25th the birthday of Jesus in the 4th Century, commonly believed to be this date because it coincided with the pagan rituals celebrated on the Winter Solstice (helped with conversion you see), even though there was contrary evidence that Jesus was in fact born in the Spring. Furthermore, don't the conservative Christian Talking Heads have better things to worry about than what the White House sends out on their Christmas cards or whether Wal-Mart places a "holiday" ad versus a "Christmas" ad? Wouldn’t you rather they worry about unfair trade practices or labor issues in America’s biggest retailer? Wouldn’t you rather they worry about Tom DeLay’s money laundering indictment? Or, wow, how about that war in Iraq? How about the number of children living in poverty IN AMERICA? And stop telling me how to celebrate the holiday season. If I want to say, "Merry Chrisnukwantice," shut up about it. Today’s Spell of the Day (a somewhat, semi-reoccurring phenomena) is Pinataetipen a spell which bewitches a Christmas tree to continuously tip over until all of the bulbs and lights have been smashed. (Yes, my skin is a bit green today)
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