Sunday, June 20, 2004

The Beaufriend (Part III)

I just noticed that Part I posted between my other posts prior to these since it was a draft. Sigh... Anywho, he's tough to figure out sometimes. Like I said, not a sunshine blower. Definitely cautious. So, I'm stuck being dead honest about what I want in the hopes that if I'm going to scare him off it just happens and we move on. Like the Evanescence song "My Immortal" and if you have to leave I wish that you would just leave... these wounds won't seem to heal this pain is just too real there's just too much that time cannot erase As our time goes on, I begin to believe that although time cannot erase some of the pain we've endured, it makes it easier to bear. The painful reminders make us grateful for the things we do have. A painful past is just that, painful and the past. You can only learn from the past, but you can't live there. Its over, its done, gone, it can't be changed. Its the butterfly affect. Change one thing, you change everything. I wouldn't be the person I am today without it. He wouldn't either and I think he's finally realizing that. He hadn't come as far as I had. Do I think I've "healed" him? No. You can only heal yourself. He's still scared out of his wits. Me, I'm just scared. But I'm not afraid. Does that make any sense? I refuse to not give myself over to something simply because I'm afraid I might lose it. I think he's getting there. Its less of a toss up now. Before, it was. The hope vs. the fear. The chance of incredible love vs. the chance of incredible pain. There's a quote that I can't remember but here's the just of it: "I'm still on speaking terms with my past because I don't want it to come banging on the door of my subconscious at 2 a.m. demanding to know who's going to make it better, who's going to make amends." (Will post original quote later when I find it) That's him, that's me, that's us. We're not perfect, nor glamorous, we've got our problems, but we also have a lot going for us. I really like us.
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    Blogger Leese said...

    I love your many different angles.
    You've got an evolving love story here and also some morbid stuff...I have to read through the archives.
    I think you can make a movie/TV series out of your professional experiences.

    6/20/2004 02:58:00 AM  

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