Tuesday, July 13, 2004

Dear Ex-Drunk Boyfriend

I really used to hate you. I hated you for being a drunk and a thief. I hated you when you stole the mortgage money and went to the strip clubs and pissed on me in the bed. I hated you for taking a room of my house and staying gone all hours of the night and making me worry. I hated you when I would cook a nice dinner and you would come home late and tell me you ate out. I hated you for cheating on me... I know you did. I hated you for turning your back on me in the bed. You knew just how to make me feel unwanted. I hated you because you stole my jewelry, my great-grandmother's ring, which meant so much to me. I hated you everytime the phone rang and it said "POLICE." I just hated you and you became so ugly to me. But I realize that I learned a lot from being with you. I learned about the kind of person I did not want to be. I did not want to be co-dependent anymore. What started out as love became another tentacle of dependency, of disease, both yours and mine. I hated facing this house when you moved out, leaving holes in the walls and where the fishtank used to sit. I filled those holes up though. Still within me remains the remnants of the past and what I feel to be stupidity but know in my own right is also just another bad thought that I seek to banish. I wanted to blame you for everything and then I wanted to blame myself for everything. I realize though we were both the puppet and the puppetmaster. I only hold myself 50% responsible for what happened. It happened. It cannot be changed, but I can. I always asked you to seek help and I will not ask more of you than I would ask of myself. I've been working steadily in the two years that you left in being a better me. In fighting and casting out the demons that haunt my steps and drag me into the shadows. The shadows of self-doubt, self-loathing and the ever present fear of abandonment, the number one reason to stay in horrible relationships and the reason behind your continued stay in my home. In some ways, I feel as though I am better than you are and then I find that to be incredibly self-serving. I always hoped that you would get your act together and be the real person that I saw on the inside. Yeah, work on yourself, like I'm working on me. You never wanted to. Maybe your demons are stronger than mine, more painful or your inner strength is not equal to your physical strength. If the following is true, then I know you have sunk as deep into the shadows as one can fall. I pray that the accusations against you are not in any way true but if they are then I hope you rot in jail. Excerpt from "The Roanoke Times" Saturday June 26, 2004 -- "BLACKSBURG - The man accused of brutally attacking a Blacksburg waitress was among the construction workers tearing up the sidewalks through downtown and often said hello and joked with other downtown employees. That image seemed in sharp contrast with the abduction and attempted rape charges Blacksburg police brought against Ex-Drunk Boyfriend, 26, of Covington this week. Substitute judge Doug Brinckman arraigned Ex-Drunk Boyfriend on the charges Friday morning in Montgomery County General District Court in Christiansburg... Ex-Drunk Boyfriend, sporting a black eye, kept his head bowed during most of the brief court appearance... The victim, a 23-year-old waitress and bartender at a downtown restaurant, walked into the alley in the 200 block of North Main Street about 2:30 a.m. Wednesday and was grabbed from behind. The assailant told the woman he was going to sexually assault her as he beat her face and choked her until she passed out in the stairwell leading to the former Ton 80 Club, police said. She was partially clothed when she regained consciousness but does not remember what occurred, police said. Investigators are waiting for lab results to determine if she was raped..." I found out the above information when your most current ex-girlfriend tracked me down to inform me and then to ask what had happened between us. $15,000 worth of unpaid debt and the loss of family heirlooms... life's lessons are hard learned. And yeah, I think you did it. I let you stay much longer than I ever should have. I made myself responsible for things I should not have. You took things from me that you should not have, mentally, emotionally and materially. You lied, you cheated and you stole. The price we have each paid is great... however, I'm sure now you would trade your freedom for the $15,000 indebtedness that you refused to pay back. Some debts are worth paying off, no matter what sacrifice has to be made. What goes around, comes around. I'm just sorry another human being had to be hurt for it to happen. I'm so glad you are gone from my life. I'm so glad I learned from you. And for whatever force watched over me and my son in your presence, I am forever thankful. Bite me you sorry son of a cocksucker. You reek worse than any onion I've ever peeled. It feels so good to shed your skin.
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    23 Comments:

    Blogger Cootera said...

    Inanna...

    That motherfucker. Woman, you are way too good to ever put yourself through that kind of hell again.

    I'm sorry. I have no words to express the loathing I feel for that sorry son of a bitch. But YOU... you are phenomenal.

    7/14/2004 10:57:00 PM  
    Blogger Celti said...

    Wow...You have been through a lot, my dear. No wonder you are such a strong woman.

    I have an Aunt & Uncle that live near Roanoke. Lovely country down there. I love to come visit them.

    7/15/2004 09:56:00 AM  
    Blogger phoebe said...

    nobody peels the onion like you, Inanna. another unflinching look in. I really admire it. sister moon

    7/15/2004 11:11:00 AM  
    Blogger fleece said...

    You are excellently fierce, Inanna.

    7/15/2004 11:50:00 AM  
    Blogger Vadergrrrl said...

    Do you know how awesome and amazing you are? You inspire me!
    You are such a beautiful person, wow.

    Hugs

    7/15/2004 12:48:00 PM  
    Blogger evilsciencechick said...

    Again...wow.

    I can't say anything more than that.

    Many many many hugs for you!

    7/15/2004 01:16:00 PM  
    Blogger Inanna said...

    Ang -- He is loathesome dear.

    Celti -- thank you and yes, a very nice area of the country there.

    Sister Moon -- thank you and I did flinch quite a bit, especially when it came to digging at myself.

    Fleece -- Excellently fierce... I like that!

    Vader -- I'm quite speechless but thank you.

    Regan -- Thanks for the hugs.. I need a few. And ladies.. I really appreciate all of you. Its difficult to let go of the guilt when you have made such a mistake in your life, especially when you have to buck up and accept half the blame. I'm still battling that.

    7/15/2004 05:40:00 PM  
    Blogger Zelda said...

    I'm glad you wrote this. It really is something.

    7/15/2004 06:58:00 PM  
    Blogger phoebe said...

    Inanna -- I believe you, but your flinching sure doesn't show from here. You're amazing.

    7/15/2004 07:21:00 PM  
    Blogger Inanna said...

    Zelda -- Thank you and thank your for visiting. Your blog rocks and so does your attitude.

    Sister Moon -- You bring up an interesting point there. I've learned to be rock hard and strong, to not flinch, but you know, that's not really the person I am inside. Not that I can't be rock hard and strong, I am and will continue to be as long as necessary. That part of me however needs to find balance with the part that flinches, the vulnerability. I need to use that strength to shore up the weaknesses, not keep others out.

    7/15/2004 08:08:00 PM  
    Blogger Tsarina said...

    Be proud of yourself... sometimes it's almost easier to stay in a terrible relationship than to be alone in a world that tells women it's not ok to be alone. You've made great steps, and I really respect your honesty and strength! Group hug!

    7/15/2004 08:12:00 PM  
    Blogger Jenn said...

    Inanna,
    Oh girl that is my life living with a freaking drunk sucks so much. I am so glad you got out when you did.

    7/15/2004 08:56:00 PM  
    Blogger Inanna said...

    Tsarina and Jenn -- Thanks for visiting and thank you for your comments. Yes, it is difficult to be a single woman with child in a world that does not really agree with it... and yes very difficult to be in a relationship with a drunk. However, part of my guilt stems from the fact when I did kick him out he was too drunk to realize it and came home anyway and I let him. AND...when it finally came to a close, he walked away from me. I felt empowered when I kicked him out and then, damn, my feelings stepped over my strength. I learned though and I hope I don't ever forget the lesson.

    7/15/2004 09:12:00 PM  
    Blogger Jack said...

    You asked me a question over at my blog. It's called a screen test. And if there's any justice in this world, EDB got a hell of a screen test enroute to jail. Keep your head up.

    7/15/2004 09:59:00 PM  
    Blogger Inanna said...

    Jack -- Thanks for the 411.. I hope so too. Was gonna comment as thanks on your blog but its a bit crowded over there. Hope ya get this!

    7/15/2004 10:06:00 PM  
    Blogger iworkforagangster.blogspot.com said...

    The beauty I see in this is that EDB didn't win, Nor did you lose.

    C.
    iworkforagangster.blogspot.com

    7/16/2004 06:41:00 AM  
    Blogger Katrina said...

    Wow...the fact that you have the courage to put this out there gives so many (like me) the courage to see that we aren't alone in many ways. Way to go...admiring your writing!

    7/16/2004 10:29:00 AM  
    Blogger Sloth said...

    Holy Cannoli, Inanna. You are one strong female. It never ceases to amaze me what people have lived through. I'm glad you can own this. And even though the post is painful and scary and jaw-dropping, it was beautifully written.

    7/16/2004 11:25:00 AM  
    Blogger phoebe said...

    Inanna, It's looking like your willingness to share your vulnerability is another way you are both amazingly strong and a rock. You ROCK, you rock!

    (so sorry, I just couldn't resist.):-)

    7/16/2004 04:01:00 PM  
    Blogger Jamie said...

    Wow, what a hell of a thing to go through. Glad you are shed of that stank ass. Great writing too, by the way.

    7/16/2004 04:52:00 PM  
    Blogger Greg said...

    Reading the following two statements by you makes me think you don't give yourself enough credit.

    "I can be interesting but mostly I'm boring. I can be witty and sarcastic but mainly I'm a trivial nice."

    "I wanted to blame you for everything and then I wanted to blame myself for everything. I realize though we were both the puppet and the puppetmaster. I only hold myself 50% responsible for what happened."

    Great writing by the way. Hopefully he is the worst thing that ever comes your way but if not, you sound like the type of person who can handle it.

    7/16/2004 08:27:00 PM  
    Blogger Inanna said...

    RHM (Crash?) -- I see the beauty in what you wrote.

    Katrina -- No one should ever feel alone and thank you.

    Sloth -- Thank you very much.

    Sister Moon -- I RULE!! YOU ROCK!! (Sister Spirit)

    Jamie -- Welcome and thank you. I am happy to be well shed of that skin.

    Greg -- Welcome also and thank you. I hope he was the worst of it. And, I appreciate your insight into my creditworthiness... I'm working on it.

    7/16/2004 10:48:00 PM  
    Anonymous Anonymous said...

    Sister Spirit,
    Amazing, isn't it? The freedom that comes from looking inside, and finding you are not alone almost always feels too good to be true. Remember, you are not alone. For I am with you when you peel the layers.

    Be proud of the strength you find in yourself as you find the girl you've looked so long for.

    Take comfort in your slices, Inanna, for they are the dreams and memories that carry us thru the hard times.

    Remember always, you are loved.

    7/17/2004 04:24:00 PM  

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