Dear Ex-Drunk Boyfriend

I really used to hate you. I hated you for being a drunk and a thief. I hated you when you stole the mortgage money and went to the strip clubs and pissed on me in the bed. I hated you for taking a room of my house and staying gone all hours of the night and making me worry. I hated you when I would cook a nice dinner and you would come home late and tell me you ate out. I hated you for cheating on me... I know you did. I hated you for turning your back on me in the bed. You knew just how to make me feel unwanted. I hated you because you stole my jewelry, my great-grandmother's ring, which meant so much to me. I hated you everytime the phone rang and it said "POLICE." I just hated you and you became so ugly to me. But I realize that I learned a lot from being with you. I learned about the kind of person I did not want to be. I did not want to be co-dependent anymore. What started out as love became another tentacle of dependency, of disease, both yours and mine. I hated facing this house when you moved out, leaving holes in the walls and where the fishtank used to sit. I filled those holes up though. Still within me remains the remnants of the past and what I feel to be stupidity but know in my own right is also just another bad thought that I seek to banish. I wanted to blame you for everything and then I wanted to blame myself for everything. I realize though we were both the puppet and the puppetmaster. I only hold myself 50% responsible for what happened. It happened. It cannot be changed, but I can. I always asked you to seek help and I will not ask more of you than I would ask of myself. I've been working steadily in the two years that you left in being a better me. In fighting and casting out the demons that haunt my steps and drag me into the shadows. The shadows of self-doubt, self-loathing and the ever present fear of abandonment, the number one reason to stay in horrible relationships and the reason behind your continued stay in my home. In some ways, I feel as though I am better than you are and then I find that to be incredibly self-serving. I always hoped that you would get your act together and be the real person that I saw on the inside. Yeah, work on yourself, like I'm working on me. You never wanted to. Maybe your demons are stronger than mine, more painful or your inner strength is not equal to your physical strength. If the following is true, then I know you have sunk as deep into the shadows as one can fall. I pray that the accusations against you are not in any way true but if they are then I hope you rot in jail. Excerpt from "The Roanoke Times" Saturday June 26, 2004 -- "BLACKSBURG - The man accused of brutally attacking a Blacksburg waitress was among the construction workers tearing up the sidewalks through downtown and often said hello and joked with other downtown employees. That image seemed in sharp contrast with the abduction and attempted rape charges Blacksburg police brought against Ex-Drunk Boyfriend, 26, of Covington this week. Substitute judge Doug Brinckman arraigned Ex-Drunk Boyfriend on the charges Friday morning in Montgomery County General District Court in Christiansburg... Ex-Drunk Boyfriend, sporting a black eye, kept his head bowed during most of the brief court appearance... The victim, a 23-year-old waitress and bartender at a downtown restaurant, walked into the alley in the 200 block of North Main Street about 2:30 a.m. Wednesday and was grabbed from behind. The assailant told the woman he was going to sexually assault her as he beat her face and choked her until she passed out in the stairwell leading to the former Ton 80 Club, police said. She was partially clothed when she regained consciousness but does not remember what occurred, police said. Investigators are waiting for lab results to determine if she was raped..." I found out the above information when your most current ex-girlfriend tracked me down to inform me and then to ask what had happened between us. $15,000 worth of unpaid debt and the loss of family heirlooms... life's lessons are hard learned. And yeah, I think you did it. I let you stay much longer than I ever should have. I made myself responsible for things I should not have. You took things from me that you should not have, mentally, emotionally and materially. You lied, you cheated and you stole. The price we have each paid is great... however, I'm sure now you would trade your freedom for the $15,000 indebtedness that you refused to pay back. Some debts are worth paying off, no matter what sacrifice has to be made. What goes around, comes around. I'm just sorry another human being had to be hurt for it to happen. I'm so glad you are gone from my life. I'm so glad I learned from you. And for whatever force watched over me and my son in your presence, I am forever thankful. Bite me you sorry son of a cocksucker. You reek worse than any onion I've ever peeled. It feels so good to shed your skin.