Sunday, July 18, 2004

Show Me, Don't Tell Me

RUSH Show Don't Tell How many times do you hear it? It goes on all day long Everyone knows everything And no one's ever wrong Until later... Who can you believe? It's hard to play it safe But apart from a few good friends We don't take anything on faith Until later... Show...don't tell...(Show me, don't tell me) You've figured out the score(Show me, don't tell me) I've heard it all before(Show me, don't tell me) I don't care what you say(Show me, don't tell me)   So, I didn't post all of the lyrics... you get the point. I'd like to say that I want to be nice and sweet and kind as I believe I should be. However, I do not feel any of those things. I'm fucking pissed. Tomorrow I will sweet and good and kind and tell you all the things I like about Lex -- you don't know Lex?  Oh, he's the Beaufriend, or rather he was the Beaufriend.  Now, he's just Lex.  That's not his real name but I picked it for a specific purpose that I will not reveal here.   And while I'm being honest and pissy... Lex never was my boyfriend.  Yes, we hung out, we had sex, I love him dearly but he was never my boyfriend. My definition of boyfriend is someone that you spend time with, share your life with in hopes or to see if you may be compatable enough to spend your lives together.  When Lex and I started talking and seeing each other, that was all good, we hung together, watched movies, shared ourselves.  Now, that's not the way it is.    Over the past month, Lex has become increasingly distant and withdrawn.  We have spent less time together and conversations have consisted of me making conversation and him interjecting one word responses.  My attempts for us to spend time together (i.e. movies, walks, dinner, concerts etc.) have been rebuffed or simply not responded to.  He has disappeared for days at a time.  He did not thank me for his birthday gift.  He didn't even acknowledge it in any way.  He went to the fireworks without me.  He went to see Fahrenheit 9/11 without me, knowing how much I wanted to see it.  Sorry, but I don't give a shit if you want to call me a whiner or a bitch or I need help but fucking goddamn, that fucking hurts.  And can I tell ya what kind of confusion set in???   Now, he can tell my friends that he thinks I'm "awesome" but he's "scared" but he can't talk to me about his fears. Hello!!  I'm the one he needs to talk to about this. Oh, I'm sorry, that would make him vulnerable!!!  Now, get this... I've been very honest with him about what has been going on in my life and inside of ME... so he understands if I'm a little gooky or wierd, not that I'm not normally anyway, but if things go a little overboard.  He's one of the reasons I decided to peel the fucking onion!!!  Me, my son and him.  The three BIG REASONS why I'm tired of being sick and tired and why I want to be a better me.   Lex has not had a perfect life... he's been slammed and hurt the same way I have.  He's had his ass handed to him in relationships, he's lost his father, his brother is a fucking jerk and frankly he's probably felt as alone, lonely and freaky as I have most of the my life.  He's sensitive and incredibly intuitive.  He also hides.  I'm fucking sick of it. Yeah, I'm a strong bitch.  That is a good thing and its a bad thing because you know what?  Life hasn't been great to me either in a lot of ways or I wouldn't be peeling the fucking onion!!!  And it really FUCKING PISSES ME OFF WHEN OTHER PEOPLE DON'T FUCKING PEEL THEIR ONIONS!!!    This onion peeling thing is not new to me. I've been peeling the onion for 8 years.  Sometimes what I peel off reappears which means I haven't truly dealt with that issue.  I peel it again and again and again. I do not give up.  I'm not perfect, I never will be, but I don't quit.  I will not hide.  I will not allow fear of love and fear of loss to rule my life!!  Maybe its wrong to expect the people in my life to do the same.  Fuck that shit!!  My friend T-Bird has told me more than once, you know SO IT SINKS IN... if ya gonna bitch but not gonna do anything to change it then SHUT THE HELL UP!!    In other words, if you don't have the balls to face it and do something about it then quit whining and bitching about it and certainly quit using it as an excuse to hide your sorry ass or your sorry head in the sand.  I know what I've been through.  And shit it hurt!!!  I know what he's been through and shit, it had to hurt!!!   So here it is Lex. You hurt me.  You hurt me by rebuffing all of my attempts to bring us closer together, by ignoring my e-mails, my messages and my own pain.  I hate not being validated. That hurts worse than anything.  I felt hidden away as a dirty secret.  That hurt.  I am no one's dirty secret. I am no one's secret period.  I am beautiful and intelligent, loyal, faithful, loving and giving.  I'm strong but I'm also soft.    For whatever reason you decided to stick your head so far up your ass you won't see daylight for a couple of months or years, that's you're own fault and your own weakness that you refuse to face and deal with.  It is no longer a problem.  I REFUSE to allow you to treat me as though I'm nothing.  Why?  Because it fucking hurts ME!! It goes against everything I am trying to overcome and work through in my life. I explained that to you.  You know, I could say that's what I get for being honest but I'm not going to change how I run my life because of your issues.  I've compromised enough for long enough.  All I asked was that you meet me halfway and I'm the only one at the halfway mark.    You're self-centered to believe that your pain outweighs the rest of the pain in the world.  You're self-centered to use the past instances of pain in your life to rebuff a complete and total goddess, that would be me.  As a matter of fact, you're just a fucking idiot!!  No, I will not censor that because right now I can honestly say, you are the biggest idiot for letting me walk away and doing absolutely nothing to stop it.  You can crawl away in your fucking hole and feel sorry for yourself and whine about how I HURT you by leaving.  Honey, I love myself more than that. I love myself more than to stay with someone who can't express what they feel and who has turned their back on me for the very last time.    No one turns their back on me anymore.  To do so is sudden death.  I don't deserve it. I've attempted numerous times to open conversations between us which have been continually rebuffed.  I have to face that you do not want to have an open and loving relationship.  I have to face that you have continually hidden your "other" life from me and have excluded me.  I'm tired of being hurt by it and crying about it.  I choose not to be hurt anymore.  I was going to say, more importantly, but not more importantly, but importantly, I'm tired of watching you hurt yourself.  I'm tired of watching you scuttle away from love and intimacy and hide away in your cave to lick the wounds of your past instead of pulling the festering shit out.    Is that expecting too much?? No, its not because I would never ask you to do what I myself would not do.  I hate being so angry because I'm so hurt.  I hate giving up the dreams I had of our future.  But they were just that... dreams.  There was no reality in it.  That hurts too.  God, I love you so much but that just hurts too.  There is no comfort in that.  Its just a reminder of what is not and won't be.  You have hurt me.  I will not let it continue.  I will not allow it to layer and layer upon itself.  I will not offer myself up as a sacrifice.  I will squeeze you from my pores and wipe your sweat from my brow.  I will peel your thin layer and continue to work on the thicker layers that infect me worse.  I will not hurt anymore.
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    13 Comments:

    Blogger Queenie said...

    I wish I could touch your hand.
    It might be too soon to look at the beautiful.
    But try.
    It works.

    Q

    7/18/2004 02:27:00 PM  
    Anonymous Anonymous said...

    Sister Spirit,
    Amazing, isn't it? The freedom that comes from looking inside, and finding you are not alone almost always feels too good to be true.
    Remember, you are not alone. For I am with you when you peel the layers.

    Be proud of the strength you find in yourself as you find the girl you've looked so long for.

    Take comfort in your slices, Inanna, for they are the dreams and memories that carry us thru the hard times.

    Remember always, you are loved.

    7/18/2004 02:33:00 PM  
    Blogger phoebe said...

    Sister Spirit,
    I like Anonymous' style.

    I had one of these heartbreaks between my ex-husband and D., godsend/current husband. I got together again with my first big love for bit. And it was amazing, the depth and strength of the reconnection in every way, it was liberating and exciting and all of that, and then, as he had long, long ago when we were so young and it had still been acceptable to do so, he just disappeared all of the sudden. Got cold and scared and distant and increasingly silent. It just about killed me. I sent him a letter a lot like this one, and unsurprisingly -- though it did actually surprise me at the time -- I've never heard from him since. Which is, undoubtedly, for the best, but still stunning to me a little that he could have been that chickenshit. In any case, it prompted me to put a sign under my mirror -- where I'd see it every day -- which said, "I do not have to settle for a man who is less than my ideal in any way. I may not end up with anyone if I don't, but I won't get anyone worth having if I do." In some ways it was uncharacteristically strident. But, then I got D. and it was totally worth it. But Queenie said it best, wish I could just sit with you for a bit.

    Love. Sister Moon

    7/18/2004 02:53:00 PM  
    Blogger Inanna said...

    Q -- Thank you and I will look for the beautiful ... because with the sour comes the sweet.

    Anon -- I know who you are and thank you.

    Sister Moon -- How can I say how much your words touched me. I will definitely be putting that saying under my mirror and my computer at work. That is something we can all learn from... to not settle but to find the ONE.. (wink, wink Seek) Thank you all for your encouragement.

    7/18/2004 04:39:00 PM  
    Blogger Jack said...

    Sorry.

    7/18/2004 11:51:00 PM  
    Blogger Celti said...

    **hug**

    7/19/2004 10:10:00 AM  
    Blogger Varla said...

    I wish you the best...it is not easy to find a good partner, who fulfills all (or at least most) of your needs. I admire you for 'peeling the onion'. Sometimes I wonder what is lurking under there...but I'm not sure I want to know that badly...
    Good luck, and hugs.

    7/19/2004 06:08:00 PM  
    Blogger evilsciencechick said...

    I like varinbird's comment. You definately don't deserve a man who doesn't treat you like the goddess you are. Remind yourself of that daily!

    *rib-busting bear hugs* for you!

    7/19/2004 06:53:00 PM  
    Blogger Inanna said...

    Jack, Celti, Varla and Regan: Thank you very much for your comments and support!!

    7/19/2004 07:01:00 PM  
    Blogger Jack said...

    JM wanted me to pass on his thanks for linking him. I told him you were cool like that.

    7/19/2004 10:46:00 PM  
    Blogger Vadergrrrl said...

    inanna
    you are such a beatiful goddess.
    we love you so!

    xxxxoooo

    7/20/2004 12:25:00 AM  
    Blogger Johnny5 said...

    Can I lick your wounds for you?

    Powerful stuff, and good for you. You deserve more and will get it.

    7/20/2004 02:37:00 PM  
    Blogger Jay said...

    put him in his place, girl.

    7/20/2004 11:02:00 PM  

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