Saturday, August 28, 2004

The State of the Union

I'm not sure what I mean by that. I use that phrase when I want to talk about my life. Otherwise, I don't belong to a union of any sort. Unless we bloggers would like to start one, like the Bloggers Union 69 or something. We could ask for better benefits or a raise, although it wouldn't do us much good. I don't have a significant other, so that sort of union is out of it too. Anyway, here's the state of my union. 1. I had a post ready earlier until Nate bumped the computer and erased it. Instead of attempting to recreate it, I took a four hour nap. Maybe it was five. I've been feeling rather shitty. > 2. When I take my antibiotics I get light-headed and woozy. I can't believe I'm catching a buzz from antibiotics. > 3. The side effects have kicked in full force. I am now scarfing yogurt. Luckily, I can fund breast cancer research while doing so. > 4. I don't understand why birth control pills do not work while on antibiotics. Oh, they still do, it just "decreases the effectiveness." Kinda like playing Russian Roulette. The only Russian Roulette I'd like to play is nude with Mikhail Baryishnikov. I know I didn't spell that right, but you get the picture. > 5. Since I started taking Lexapro, I have had the sugar munchies. Sugar and starch, starch and sugar. Normally, I gain a lot of weight when I eat too much of those things. Surprisingly, I haven't. I looked in the buggy at the store and realized I had bought nothing but pasta and sugar. I don't care. > 6. Between the antibiotics and all the sugar, I'm setting myself up for a raging yeast infection. (Sorry guys, know you all hate to hear about that stuff.) This is why I'm scarfing yogurt among other reasons. > 7. I think it a conspiracy among pharmaceutical and yogurt companies and washcloth manufacturers. After all, the best part of a yeast infection is having sex with a washcloth. > 8. I know, TMI. > 9. Probably the above companies are owned by a super-conglomerate. If you ask the Republicans... its owned by the Heinz Corporation. If you ask the Democrats... its owned by the Carlyle Group. Ask the average American and its owned by Martha Stewart. She probably received a call in the middle of the afternoon from her broker informing her I had a sinus infection and would be on antibiotics so she bought more stock. Damn insider trading. > 10. My box of Puffs has Sponge-Bob, Patrick and Squigward on it. This makes me happy. > 11. I think Puffs is in on the conspiracy too. > 12. While at the store I bought an emery board and new nail polish. I gave myself a manicure and painted my nails. They are now a very nice shade of Revlon Blackberry. > 13. They don't look good enough to eat nor do they resemble blackberries, more like blackberry juice, which isn't black at all. > 14. People tend to hate the fact that I have naturally straight, hard nails, with pink bases and white nails. People really hate me when I paint them and they ask where I got them done. I give them my home address and said it cost about $.10 considering how long the polish and emery board will last. > 15. Yes, I am shamelessly bragging. Just to make you feel better, my toenails don't look nearly as good. > 16. There are nine full-time employees at my law firm and one part-time. Six of those employees are female, on Monday, we lose a man and pick up another woman. She is the daughter of another employee. This will mean only the lawyers are male and all the support staff are female. (Diabolical laugh) > 17. I don't know why I told you that. It just seemed like the thing to say. > 18. I am eating Kraft Pasta Pronto Shells with Creamy Herb Sauce. I'm not going to eat it all. I'm saving some for you guys. > 19. Along with Snick and Michael, I believe peanut butter should be a food group. I think they're part of the conspiracy too. The peanut butter people, not Snick and Michael. > 20. I have very tough skin. Not the kind where ineffective put-downs bounce off me like rubber balls. The kind where I have to warn people who take my blood before the needle bounces off. When my cats try to jump on me they sometimes end up hanging from my skin. My skin on my legs is not nearly as tough. > 21. I do not swell up and itch from mosquito bites. Nate does. > 22. I swell up and itch from poison ivy. Nate does not. > 23. I thought of actually getting married the other night and got sick to my stomach. I'm assuming if I find the right guy, that feeling will go away. > 24. Maybe I just thought of the wrong guy to marry. > 25. I'm afraid my strong independent streak will keep me from being a good spouse. > 26. The next time some chica in the toilet at the club asks if I'm 5-0, I'm going to tell her yes, and if they don't stop doing drugs in the bathroom I'm going to bust them all. I will be standing very close to the door when I say that. > 27. Everytime I see sleazy guys hanging out in a drug zone I wonder if they are narcs. > 28. Nate was looking for my pink emery board in the drawer and found my vibrator. Very fuzzy dust bunnies hopped away when he pulled it out and I convinced him he didn't want to know what was inside the package that looked like a giant Lifesaver. > 29. I have never used a vibrator during sex but I would like to. 99.9% of the guys I've dated weren't kinky enough to try it. > 30. My ideal man would have to be adventurous in the bedroom. At least adventurous enough to not always do it in the bedroom. > That's the state of my union. There's more but my buzz is kicking in. Good night bloggers.
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    Blogger pc said...

    Well, I'll have to admit that I enjoy playing with a woman and her vibrators, especially if ice cubes, feathers, and chocolate syrup are involved too! They have a new one now that is basically a cock ring that the guy wears that has a vibrator built in. Two definitely need to play that game!

    But it is a little soon to be trying to explain that all to Nate.

    8/28/2004 11:49:00 PM  
    Blogger Zelda said...

    1.I definitely hate you for your nails

    2. I think your strong independant streak will make you a good spouse

    3. Vibrators aren't even that kinky anymore, so just what kind of grandpas have you been messing around with? :-)

    8/29/2004 09:47:00 AM  
    Blogger Traci Dolan said...

    pc – I see you’re still not blogging yet. Blog now!! Comply!! As for the other, I told you that chick you were seeing didn’t know what she was missing. Her loss!! Why is my cousin having more fun than I am???

    Zelda – 1. Sorry about the nails. Don’t hate me for my genes.
    2. I hope so... if ever it happens.
    3. Maybe the problem is me. Maybe I need to be more forceful in the bedroom. Little by little, I’m reinventing myself. (Thank you Seeker) The nail polish, a nice hairdo, perhaps a little make-up wouldn’t hurt. Then, I gotta go where the boys are, err men and not grandpas.

    8/29/2004 11:08:00 AM  
    Blogger Outburst said...

    1. The majority of employees at my workplace are women as well. Of the 10% that are men, I've heard 80% of them say there's too many women. Strange in a way, until you consider that most of them have grandchildren.
    Too many women seems to amount to too much gossip happening behind too many backs. Most of the men at work would just as soon say it to your face or not say it all.
    2. I think using a vibrator would be fun but most of the women I've known haven't admitted to owning one.

    8/29/2004 12:02:00 PM  
    Blogger Traci Dolan said...

    Outburst -- My boss is the biggest gossip in the office. We have effectively split the women with three on the 2nd floor and the rest on the first floor. If our boss catches us gossiping he normally joins us. Again, I think you're girlfriend is a lucky woman. I need to drop by your blog.

    8/29/2004 12:08:00 PM  
    Blogger Esther said...

    Yes! I knew there were a conspiracy regarding anti-biotics.
    I also have naturally straight nails, but I do gardening, a lot.
    What IS inside the package that looked like a giant Lifesaver? ;)
    Some guys can handle being adventurous, some not. You quickly find out when you suggest something kinky

    8/29/2004 12:58:00 PM  
    Blogger Cattiva said...

    As usual you crack me up.

    There is nothing worse is this world than a yeast infection. A conspiracy definitely exists between antibiotic manufactuers and the guys that make the yeast infection cures. And it's gotten worse. I think the yeast guys are just angry that they are now OTC, so they asked the antibiotic makers to kick up the dosage. If you are on a 2 week course of anitbiotics you can now suffer approximately 3 yeast infections. That used to not happen. It used to sneak up on you at the end of your antibiotic treatment. It also probably explains why you're getting a buzz from the antibiotics. Unfortunately, I don't think we'll see Mel Gibson in a movie about this subject. They're probably paying him off as well.

    (Legalese - the above conspiracy theory is comepletely my own. No drug manufacturers were injured in the formulating of this consipracy.)

    8/29/2004 03:29:00 PM  
    Blogger Traci Dolan said...

    Esther and Catt -- I KNEW I wasn't the only one who believed in this conspiracy.

    8/29/2004 05:12:00 PM  
    Anonymous Anonymous said...

    Damn girl! Use that vibrator!!!! ;-)


    9/02/2004 06:04:00 AM  

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