Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Revenge of the Empaths - Part Deux

I remembered what brought Lex and I to talking about relationships. It was the speculation that AZ would ask his girlfriend to marry him on their cruise. As close as AZ and I used to be, I think I would feel sorry for someone who married him. It’s also fascinating hearing both sides of the story, since if AZ is ticked at Lex, I hear it and if Lex is ticked at AZ, then I hear it. I told Lex that I felt that one of the reasons that AZ and I had never dated was the fact AZ had been a very strong influence in my life when I was rather young, therefore, learning the head games at his knee. (That didn’t really sound right, but imagine it with a totally non-sexual undertone.) I know how to get his goat, piss him off, infuriate him, and calm him down, which is just unacceptable and non-conducive to a relationship. (At least not one with him) It also shows the varying relationships we have with other people. I know AZ is hard to get along with sometimes, he really, really calls it like he sees it at the most inopportune moments and basically feels as though if you act what he feels to be stupid, whether you are or not, then you deserve to be spoken to like you’re three years old, thus alienating anyone without a rigid backbone, and he still gets to me and Lex. Lex is not immune from speaking up, but he doesn’t allow things to build, nor does he believe he’s above the rules that everyone else has to follow. *Ahem* not like someone else we both know. Whether AZ believes that or not, it’s how he acts. I can tell that from talking to him sometimes. Lex asked when the last time I talked to AZ was and truthfully, on the phone, it was before Christmas, online it was at least two months ago. I was a bit brutally honest, not that I think AZ is pissed, but he doesn’t like that much either. I tend to cut too close to the bone at times, especially when you point out how they never try to make things better for themselves, instead making things worse. Then there’s the insanity of those two. It was hard for me to be around AZ and Lex at the same time. So much there, so much unresolved within myself. Loving them both for different reasons, it was like a tennis match. But, I’ve realized that Lex is more like Love and AZ is more like Fault. It’s amazing how much I’ve learned and grown over the past two years. How clarity comes with time in small slices to form a big picture. Not to mention, being around them together gives me a headache. Neither wanting the other to have the upper hand with me. It’s a silent war they wage. Each attempting the non-cock-blocking route to my attention, each subjecting me to the mental stimulation which I crave and which they know is the true route to my affections. They underestimate me so much. Nanner knows who’s being true and who’s playing "head games" and Nanner knows who’s throwing the bone and who gives the bone. I know who wants me but is afraid to have me and I know who just doesn’t want me but doesn’t want anyone else to have me either. Some of that is my fault, unwilling, unable, or just not ready to let go. But, as I said, clarity comes with time in small slices. All I can hope is that others forgive me as I forgive them.
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