Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Who Stole My White Picket Fence World?

Jeff called this morning wanting to know if I was mad at him for something. Uh, yeah! I’m not going to get into it other than to say he attempted to justify how he treated me by laying, what he sees to be, various sins at my feet. His big one was, "Well, what would you have done? What would you have said? You would have done the same thing." The truth is, I wouldn’t have. I know I wouldn’t have because if I were going to drop his level, I would have done it a long time ago, and I have much more ammunition. I reap no satisfaction nor reward for throwing shit back on people. I feel no superiority by making someone feel inferior. I often hold my tongue because having a battle of the wits with someone who is stupid and blind is inherently unfair. I thought all of this over as I mowed the grass with vengeance (AJ would be so proud!). Who stole my white picket fence world? What great karma scheme have I disrupted to be subjected to this horror of a man? And why, Holy Hera, did I ever fuck him? I can only answer the last one. I was sick. Psychologically ill. My Mom says, "I know you had to have loved him at one time." "It was a very sick love, Mother." However, the sweet smell of cut grass and a few blisters later, I am ready to expound upon why, oh why, I have no white picket fence. Face it, folks. There are things that other people have gone through that make the rest of us stand back and go, "Holy Hera! How did they survive that? How do they go on?" In the big scheme of things, I have it relatively easy. "That which does not kill me, makes me stronger." After all the shit, shite, and shinola, I’m still breathing. I may be breathing fire, but I’m still breathing. The Lord and Lady will not heap more on me than I can handle. My back is aching and knee hurts, but I have not buckled, nor will I. If anything, this forces me to examine the exact reasons for my fear of Jeff and of standing up for myself, although I have to say, it wasn’t that difficult this morning. It’s simple really. He knows my greatest weaknesses. My love for Nate, being my greatest, but he forgets that my love for Nate is also my greatest source of strength. Two of my other weaknesses are my housekeeping skills and my capability to forgive. So, this weekend will be whirlwind cleaning. Once the house is in order, I’ll be on solid ground. I know I take good care of my son. Check. House in order. Check. Forgiveness. Bah hum bug! I’m all for forgiveness and usually I give it freely but sometimes it has to be earned. By the way, did I tell you all about the new neighbor at the end of the block? Four words, ladies. Looks. Like. Vin. Diesel. And asked me over for a beer. Eeep! Who needs white picket when you got chain mail link?
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