Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Mawhi-Mawhi and White Dressin'

People ask what my new job is like. It’s not exactly new anymore since I started on the Ides of March. In a nutshell, it’s The Breakfast Club revisited, there are just four of us instead of five and Principal Vernon has been replaced by an attorney. (Let us all observe a moment of silence for the recently departed Principal Vernon - Paul Gleason.) Our work is laborious and boring. Especially now that our team and the main headquarters team are slogging through boxes and boxes of paperwork doing privilege review. This entails sitting in a practically windowless room (the windows are at the very top of the room and only afford a glimpse of the blue clear sky if you stand due East at a 45 degree angle with your head tilted 90 degrees to the West with your back at a 15 degree angle with a half twist) and flipping pages looking for particular names and other sundries until your eyes cross and your neck feels as though there is whole box of documents sitting on it. In order to pass the time more quickly, Bender, Claire, Brian, and myself (Allison), share tales of our travels and travails, sing ass songs (My hump, my hump, my lovely lady lumps), and attempt to find covert sexual innuendos in our paperwork (like nipples). Claire shared with us her college days job as a waitress at a local seafood restaurant where a customer came in and ordered mawhi-mawhi. She said, “We don’t have any mawhi-mawhi, but we do have some mahi-mahi.” I didn’t say she was nice about it. Another customer told her he wanted white dressin’ on his salad. She inquired, “Would that be the white dressin’ with chunks or without chunks cuz we have two white dressin’s.” He said, “I don’t want no chunks.” She said, “We call that Ranch.” Between that and Bender’s impersonation of the Buffalo Bill from The Silence of the Lambs - It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again - and Brian’s impersonation of Hank Hill from King of the Hill - That boy ain’t right - and the ass-biting, snarky zingers that fly from the four corners regularly, I guess it’s worth the 945,000 documents about nipples we have to review.
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