Bitter, Cynical & Sexual - That's Me

* LENGTH WARNING* Oh boy, what a fucking day. Things just keep getting better. To hell with my affirmations, not really in the mood to try and be sweet, gentle, kind and positive. Fuck it. I guess we bloggers are used to the rants of life. Fuck that. Rant my ass. This is reality. So, Cattiva made mention of the fact, that yes, I have been talking about sex a lot. And at first, it hurt my feelings... in a way. And I got defensive and then I got worried, "What the fuck am I doing telling all these peeps this shit?" Well, that answer is simple. I’m not. You’re reading it but for it to do me any good at all, I can’t worry about what you think of me or my problems or what kind parent I am or not. In order for this to do what I wanted it to do to start with, then I have to be honest, with myself. This is how I figure out all the shit swirling around in my mind... I write. I write a lot. It may change from day to day but that's life. Deal. I used to write letters but that’s been replaced by blogging. Whenever I would write letters I would get no feedback. Sometimes that’s a good thing. Sometimes its bad. And frankly if I didn’t want some kind of input then I wouldn’t enable my comments. I do have that option, as we all do. Sometimes I wonder if the blogosphere isn’t a misnomer and should be called the supportosphere. Its like we’re one big dysfunctional family (nice way to put it Jay) and we’re all in some kind of rehab/support group. Hate me for that if you want. Don’t really care right now. Its like that bumper sticker "I know how you feel but I really don’t care." That’s reality. Its reality that we feel validated in our feelings. I don’t see a damn thing wrong with that. Its been an ongoing topic at times as to why we, in so many ways, know more about each other than the "real" people in our lives. But this is another reality. We treat each other with more respect at times than we probably do the other people in our lives because we pick and choose when we want to deal with each other, when we want to "listen" (read) about the problems, joys and funny ass shit in our lives. We don’t come knocking on each others’s doors, for the most part, like T-Bird did me yesterday and got her head taken off at the shoulders because I was being Mommy Dearest. I digress, nice topic but not really what I came to talk about. What I came to talk about was being sexual and being cynical and bitter and hateful. Why? Because I am all those things and I am none of those things. Why have I been talking about sex a lot? Because I’m stressed and I’m tired. Unlike other people in the world the more stressed I get and the more tired I get the more I want sex. Unfortunately or fortunately, I haven’t figured out which one, I also get a hell of a lot more picky and fickle about who I have sex with. My mood is such that if I can’t have who or what I want, then I don’t want any of it. Compounding that problem is I can’t have who or what I want. So, there ya have it, I’m stuck. Further compounding this scenario is the reality that has been pointed out to me by, not one, but two men in my life, both of which have absolutely nothing to gain by blowing sunshine up my ass or twisting the truth for their own means. I’m damaged goods. No, they didn’t put it that way but that’s the reality. I have a reminder for men that I’m not pure as driven snow, I’m not lily-white and his name is Nate. In specific reference to someone that I am very interested in pursuing a relationship with that won’t give me the time of day (yeah, the arm guy), one of the above male friends made this observation (which is basically word for word what the other one said, and hell, they don’t even know each other.) Even if he is unattached, and would be otherwise interested in having a relationship with you, you need to accept that the fact you have Nate (and no other reason), might be the factor in whether or not they pursue it. Right or wrong, that is going to weigh heavily in any man's mind. It has nothing to do with you, only with what they perceive to be "too much" for them to deal with at this point in their lives. And if that *is* the case, I think it makes the decision easy for you. I don't think you'd want someone who is less concerned about your son than you are. But that is going to be the case with most men, sad but true. I swear, they both said the exact same thing, just in different words. And you know what? That makes me sad and yes, bitter and cynical. My other male friend added insult to injury by also stating that men are the most selfish creatures on the face of the Earth and they do not want to share you with anyone and furthermore want no reminders that there was ever another man in your life and that’s exactly what Nate is, a reminder. Well, fuck that. Do I think that applies to all men? Of course not. The majority? Now, that’s a toss-up. The majority of the men I’ve had in my life? Yeah, appears to be fairly true. Even his own father. That’s right. Nate’s dad could not handle our child taking time away from our relationship... what was left of it, which was about nothing. That was a whole huge fiasco which I learned a lot from. No matter what a man says, the divorce must be finalized. That’s what I learned. Separated don’t mean shit... m’kay? Learn grasshoppers from my mistake. Yeah, it turned out pretty well in the end... at least for some of us. His now ex-wife, for good, was released from a horribly emotionally abusive relationship and she’s thanked me a thousand times for it. Now is that fucked up or what? I got Nate. We came out ahead. That’s reality. Its hard. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It is the hardest thing I will ever do. So, yeah, I can understand someone not wanting to get mixed up in it. Especially someone who has no intentions of ever having kids of their own. I’m bitter because if I’ve learned nothing else from blogging, its to look past the plain brown wrapper and see the gift inside. I’m bitter because I don’t feel like I’ll ever be afforded the same consideration. I’m cynical that I will ever find someone who can do that. In conversations I’ve had with another male friend he told me, "Anna, you’re just intense, really intense. You’re passionate. Most guys just aren’t strong enough to handle you." Another guy friend of mine said, "You’re a hard ass girl. You take no shit." Yes, I’m intense. Yes, I’m passionate. But I’m not a hard ass and I’ve taken a lot of shit in my life. What I am is cautious and cynical. I probably do scare men away. I’m 5'3" ½ inches of intense, passionate woman. I’ve heard, more than once, that’s intimidating. Ah, let’s add on my "extreme intelligence." I’ve heard that’s intimidating too. Let’s see, what other theories may I expound upon... oh, the one where men would feel like they were just undeserving of me because I AM ALL THAT. All that being the exact same things listed above but then throw in my tits, legs and beauty. Well, now that’s makes me feel like I can’t win for losing. So, I get rid of my kid, I water down my passion, my intensity and act dumb and much more deserving of them than they do me and I’ll be able to land a man? What kind of man exactly would I "land?" Not one I want. I. WOULD. RATHER. BE. ALONE. My intense, passionate, intelligent, bitter, cynical, beautiful ass would RATHER. BE. ALONE. I cannot, will not and would not change the circumstances of my life. I am what I am. My life is what it is. Today I’m bitter and cynical. It will cycle just like everything else does. I’m not perfect, never professed to be, never will be, don’t want to be. I don’t want some guy who looks and me and thinks, "God, I just don’t deserve that!" I want a man who looks at me and says, "Man, my ship has come in! All those crappy relationships were just practice for this one and I deserve everything she has to offer. I am the luckiest man alive." And I want to say that too. Days like today make me want to either crawl away in a hole and say "Fuck the world!" Or, walk outside and shout to the wind and the earth and anyone who will listen, "You win!! I give up!! Stop the madness!! Just stop the world and let me get off!! UNCLE!! I said, UNCLE DAMNIT!!!" And I want to fall to my knees and give up. Just give up. And find some peace with giving up. But I never have. Instead I drag myself up by my bootstraps and I slog forward because it just isn’t in my nature to give up. I’m too intense to give up. I’m too passionate to give up. I’m a persistent, stubborn kind of woman, not to mention, I’ll whip your ass at Trivial Pursuit (as long as its not the TV version. I hate that one!) I have a child to raise with all the passionate intensity I have. Can’t handle it? Oh well. Thanks for being honest... now move on. Finally, finally, finally figured out a song of the day... and since this post isn’t quite long enough, I’ll post the lyrics too. You’ve Got Another Thing Coming – Judas Priest (from Rocka Rolla - Released 1974) One life I'm gonna live it up I'm taking flight Said I'll never get enough Stand tall, I'm young And kinda proud I'm on top as long As the music's loud If you think I'll sit around As the world goes by You're thinking like a fool Cause it's a case of do or die Out there is a fortune Waiting to be had If you think I'll let it go You're mad You've got another thing coming You've got another thing coming That's right Here's where the talking ends Well, listen, this night There'll be some action spent Drive hard I'm calling all the shots I got an ace card Coming down on the rocks If you think I'll sit around While you chip away my brain Listen, I ain't fooling and You'd better think again Out there is a fortune Waiting to be had If you think I'll let it go You're mad You've got another thing coming You've got another thing coming In this world we're living in We have our share of sorrow Answer now is don't give in Aim for a new tomorrow Oh, so hot No time to take a rest, yeah Act tough Ain't room for second best Real strong Got me some security Hey, I'm a big smash I'm going for infinity, yeah If you think I'll sit around As the world goes by You're thinking like a fool Cause it's a case of do or die Out there is a fortune Waiting to be had If you think I'll let it go You're mad You've got another thing coming You've got another thing coming You've got another thing coming You've got another thing Coming on you You've got another thing coming Yeah, it's coming up You've got another thing coming You've got another thing coming You've got another thing coming You've got another thing coming.....