Here She Is....

Tsarina

And So It Is - Rated R

I do have a MySpace account which I had to set up in order to comment on my friend Beanie’s blog and now Sidra and appears a half a dozen other bloggers from blogspot. I did NOT know it was a quasi-dating service. Goofy Guy does not have my home address but having grown up across the tracks from where I live, he has a pretty good IDEA of where I live just not exactly. Fear not, Goofy Guy has not contacted me since he e-mailed me following our horrible lunch date, saying, “You’re very sweet.” No, buddy, I’m not sweet. I may be many things, but “sweet” is not a word I would use to describe myself. Kittens, puppies, and other furry mammal babies are sweet, I am not. Okay, he also called me, which I ignored. His message, “If you’re not too busy, maybe we can ... blah, blah, blah.” Too busy? Too busy would not begin to describe my life right now. On to other matters at hand. Nate has been suspended from school for one day for yelling at his teacher. He is still alive and breathing and at his father’s house. The range of emotions I have experienced today I would not wish on my worst enemy or even Goofy Guy. I’m still in a partial rage. On the bright side, I’ve channeled that rage into cleaning my house. It’s working. I talked to Troy last night. Remember Troy? Former JAG? Hot? Yeah, him. Sorry, ladies, he is off the market. He’s dating an Australian diplomat. I was extremely happy to hear this as he is one of my best good friends and one that I wish a multitude of happiness for. If anyone deserves a hot, blonde Australian diplomat, it’s Troy. I was angry yesterday too, and Troy had been drinking wine (what IS IT with my friends drinking wine this week???) so he was all mellow and laid back, well, he’s that way all the time, so I mellowed out from some of my anger last night, but not totally. Nate was able to spike right up there again today. I’m pissed off at “Tsarina,” the necklace, not the blogger. It’s not turning out the way I want it to. The pressure is building. I’ll post more pics this weekend, hopefully, along with the other pieces I have been working on. I want to send them out by the middle of next week. Yeah, and Nate lost one of the pieces. Fuck. I’m irritated with one of my co-workers. I can’t begin to rage about it. It’s a “Fight and Fuck” day. A day where you pick a fight so you can have hot, violent make-up sex. Did I say “violent?” I meant, “intensely passionate.” Actually, I did mean “violent.” Ass slapping, nipple pinching, hair-pulling, sweating, swearing, wrestling, back against the wall, legs wrapped around the waist, slamming, primal, cataclysmic, orgasmic fucking. For those of you for whom this is normal, may the Lord and Lady bless you in all you do. Well, I’m still pissed, I think I’ll go clean the toilet. Hoo-rah.

I Am Brain Dead

Pardon if I don’t make sense. I had a date with a guy I disliked before we went on our date (this was like, two weeks ago). Here’s how. We’ve been e-mailing back and forth on MySpace for a few months. Nice guy, seemed like anyway, six kids, three that live with him, Okay, I’m down with it. We had talked of just meeting for lunch and discussed this over a period of months and then it took me three weeks to answer his last e-mail. Just busy. So, we exchange digits and he calls me, we talk, blah, blah, but still, I’m not feelin’ much. The guy is kinda goofy. Well... one night I had talked to everyone and my Mom... AZ, T-Bird, Celti, e-mailed Seven, e-mailed this person, e-mailed that person, beaded, talked to Jeff six times, chased Nate around, you know, my typical evening following eight hours of brain numbing document review. I stood up from my desk and I started weaving because I was so tired. Like tonight. I’m laying in Nate’s bed, talking to T-Bird on my cellphone, when I hear the house phone ring. I get up, look at the ID and see Goofy Guy. Nope, I don’t answer, I let it go to voicemail. I’m too tired. Nate comes in crankin’ about wanting a Diet Dr. Pepper and lays down with me. My cellphone beeps. I look at the Call Waiting ID - Goofy Guy. I reject the call and send it to voicemail. Strike One - DO NOT TRACK ME DOWN VIA MY CELL PHONE UNLESS YOU KNOW ME WELL ENOUGH TO KNOW WHETHER YOU SHOULD. Nate falls asleep, I hang up with T-Bird, listen to the message, “If you get this... blah, blah, call me.” I’m contemplating whether I should get out of bed and take my contacts out, get the clothes in off the line, and close and lock the front door or take my chances with eye fungus, wet clothes, and rapists and murderers when I hear the house phone ring again. It’s past the time anyone should call me. I’ve talked to a lot of people but I get up, go in the computer room and see it is... Goofy Guy. Strike Two - GIVE ME FUCKING TIME TO RETURN YOUR CALL OR ACCEPT THE FACT I’M NOT CALLING YOU BACK TONIGHT. I snatch the phone up, tell him I was laying down with Nate, I’m tired, I don’t feel like talking, good night. Yeah, I’m a bitch. Bite me. The reason he called THREE TIMES IN TWENTY MINUTES was because he was out for a walk (IN MY FUCKING NEIGHBORHOOD - he lives about a mile from me). STRIKE THREE, YOU’RE OUT!! See, peeps, this is my space and I make that very, very clear to just about anyone who knows me. THIS. IS. MY. SPACE. You don’t come into my space unless you receive an invitation (unless you happen to be AZ, in that case, you call and tell me you’re pulling up to my house, but, I’ve known him for 14 years). So, even though, right off the bat, I made it perfectly, crystal ass clear that I do not, will not, and shall not, invite him over for tea on the first date, nor on the second, nor perhaps at anytime, or until such a time that I am comfortable having him in MY. SPACE. he just up and decides he will try to circumvent that by “strolling by.” *Yeah!* That, my children, is called a “boundary.” It is an important boundary to me because I am extremely motherfucking anal about my fucking space in this world. Now, you all know, just as he did when he thought he would “take a walk in my neighborhood” and “thought” he would stop by to see me, just because he might not have anything better to do. Nuh uh. So, I wake up and think I’m being harsh and I should at least give an hour lunch date a try and try to get along with other people. It was a nightmare and just solidified what I already knew. Goofy Guy and I were totally NOT COMPATIBLE. The lunch date sucked for a MULTITUDE of reasons. I told AZ later, “I thought I was lonely, but I take it back. Dear Lord, I TAKE IT BACK! I. TAKE. IT. BACK!!” AZ’s response: “So, you were visited by the Shit Monster, too?”

Okay, I'm Tired

I can’t even think of something decent to write. Maybe I’ll try again tomorrow.

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon

AZ stopped by last night for a little porch time. I brought up the conversation we had had the night before, about “Why is that?” Why is it that we end up coming full circle and just can’t quit each other. His reaction was more body language than spoken. He put his palms to the sky, shrugged, shook his head, bowed it down, and wouldn’t look at me. Defensive? Submissive? Both. It’s hard to talk about things you don’t want to admit. Things that scare you. I had been leaned back in my chair very relaxed, but I leaned forward, kissed his mop of hair, threaded my hands around the back of his neck, and whispered, “It’s okay if we don’t know, right?” He nodded. “It’s okay if we can’t explain it, right?” He nodded. “Then we’re fine.” He nodded. But we both know. We could explain it. But we wouldn’t be fine with it if we did. Far Away - Nickelback from All The Right Reasons This time, This place Misused, Mistakes Too long, Too late Who was I to make you wait Just one chance Just one breath Just in case there’s just one left ‘Cause you know, you know, you know That I love you I have loved you all along And I miss you Been far away for far too long I keep dreaming you’ll be with me and you’ll never go Stop breathing if I don’t see you anymore On my knees, I’ll ask Last chance for one last dance ‘Cause with you, I’d withstand All of hell to hold your hand I’d give it all I’d give for us Give anything but I won’t give up ‘Cause you know, you know, you know That I love you I have loved you all along And I miss you Been far away for far too long I keep dreaming you’ll be with me and you’ll never go Stop breathing if I don’t see you anymore So far away Been far away for far too long So far away Been far away for far too long But you know, you know, you know I wanted I wanted you to stay ‘Cause I needed I need to hear you say That I love you I have loved you all along And I forgive you For being away for far too long So keep breathing ‘Cause I’m not leaving Hold on to me and never let me go

Back and Forth

Cardiologists says: This EKG is bad. Nate’s pediatricians says: There is nothing wrong with the EKG. Something is wrong with Mr. Nathanial. No caffeine (wags fingers), no carbonation at all. No pop, no chocolate. We’ll send him to pediatric cardiologist to have him wear the halter monitor. She said also that it is probably not the Adderall. (Most likely it’s the pop we give him to tweak the Adderall.) Since Nate had another episode this morning, she said since he has been off the medication for almost two weeks, it is probably not. I’m not convinced of much but I’ll take what I get at this time. One small sigh of relief. ***** Talked to AZ this evening. Laughed my guts out. We’re still working on actually seeing each other in the flesh. We’ll get there. But, you know, he throws this shit out sometimes that takes me off guard. For example, we were discussing the fact that we have continued to tell ourselves for the past 14 years, “Just one more time, then I’m gonna quit you.” Both knowing, that’s a crock of hooey, and we’re gonna come back around. He asks, “Why is that?” “W-W-What?” Deep, low voice “Why is that?” *Silence* Thinking to self: Why is he digging beneath the surface? I like the surface. The surface doesn’t ask questions. The surface is what it is. Is he fishing? What’s he fishing for? Why did he ask this fucking question? I did finally answer him. In a nutshell - I know he’s not going to turn into a stalker or an annoying whining jerk-off, and, most importantly, I can be myself. (Not to mention he’s HAWT, and we have this attraction to one another, and attitude, we both have this ATTITUDE, he has more attitude than I do, but ya know, it’s there.) But still, most importantly, I can expose the facets of my personality, one after another, in random order, in varying intensities, and he keeps up. Yeah, funny though that he didn’t answer his own question. Hmmmmm... he said for me to call him tomorrow after 11:00. Although I have a feeling, the answer will be about the same.

Silver Linings

#1 Instead of having a sudden cardiac death, Nate is still around to love and be loved. Huge silver lining. #2 Celti, for answering my call for help with my business cards and brochures. She’s worked up a beautiful design and has been beyond, just beyond, anything you could imagine. #3 Seven, for answering my e-mail for my website design. He speaks a language I don’t understand at times, and it’s not Cajun, but has taken Celti’s design and has been working on the perfect look for my new website with perks. #4 An angel, who prefers not to be named, for being overtly generous and helping me out with a slight logistical problem and ensuring that I nabbed a ticket to Houston for Blogmeet. Exactly, why aren’t you coming with me??? #5 AZ, for understanding my other logistical problems and just for understanding me, period. #6 You. For understanding when I don’t answer your e-mails on time, miss your calls, forget to change your link, forget to visit, and sometimes, forget to link you at all. Thanks for understanding how full and crazy my life is right now and that eventually life will tilt and be back in some semblance of balance, which for me, is about 15 degrees off anyway. You’re appreciated.

The Anti-Drug

Finally got a doctor to read Nate’s EKG. Left ventricular hypertrophy, meaning his left ventricle has thickened, making it harder for his heart to beat regularly. Yes, it’s probably a side effect of the Adderall. Where do we go from here? No idea. Guess we’ll find out when we talk to the cardiologist. Just yesterday, Nate laid his head on my shoulder and asked if it was okay at his age to like girls. How they break your hearts, and never know it.

More

More beads ... purple/perwinkle Seraphinite I think this is onyx or obsidian with Swarovskis Jade with size 15s - the smaller the bead, the happier I am. More beads, more colors, more Swarovskis. I did have them all separated by color and which ones would be used with what but then just mixed them all up to take the picture, except the 15s and 11s. I’ll separate them again when I begin beading. The jade and 15s are going to be two things: difficult and incredible. I really want a design that kicks ass. I’m thinking of a lily-like flower made from the four colors with the jade as the hanging centerpiece. But, if anyone has any other ideas, for any of the beads you see, please, pass them my way. These, of course, are not the only beads I have but these are the newest and frankly the lightest and brightest as I was going for spring and summer. I also purchased the light blue turquoise (not to be confused with the blue with the purples, two different colors), red, orange, and silver (actually rhodium) to make a necklace with a "Southwest" feel to go with that incredible turquoise top I bought with the Wonderbra. I also bought the beads to make Regan’s wedding necklace but she hasn’t approved the colors yet and besides, a bride should see her own beads and necklace before everyone else. So sayeth Nanner. As you know, I name all of my pieces, or did you know that? Well, I do. And, after some thought, I have decided to name my new purple piece for my good blogger buddy, Tsarina. After all, Tsarinas are Russian royalty and purple is the color of royalty. Plus, she just found out she’s pregnant. Go tell her congratulations. I have worked more on "Tsarina" and will update with photos tomorrow.

Happy Hop-Hop Day

And all that stuff. Hope you had a good one. Nate’s off on Spring Break but is SUPPOSED to be staying with Jeff the whole week annnnnd guess who’s asleep on the couch? Yeah, Nate. Anyway, had my big bead trip to Columbus on Saturday. Twelve hours. Since it’s only a three hour drive, I guess you could say, I got my money’s worth. And, a lot of money it was. However, I can make that back with two pieces and I got enough beads for ... a lot. The prized conquest of the trip was a cabochon, defined as a highly polished, convex cut, unfaceted gemstone, of charoite. Charoite : Charoite is an unusual mineral and of rare occurrence. It is found to date in only one location: along the Chary (Chara?) River at Aldan (Siberia) in Russia. It formed from alteration of limestones by the close presences of an alkali-rich nephline syenite intrusion. The heat, pressure and more importantly, the infusion of unique chemicals into the rock is responsible for the transformations into new minerals such as charoite. Why charoite has not been found in other locations is not fully understood. But it is probably due to a combination of a chemically unique limestone reacting with a chemically unique intrusion and subjected to unique physical conditions. Charoite is used as an ornamental stone and as a gemstone. It forms a swirling pattern of interlocking crystals. The color of charoite is described as a stunning lavender, lilac, violet and/or purple. All can be used as all are probably present in every swirling example. The look of charoite is unlike any other mineral and can't be mistaken. It has the appearance of purple marble, but really defies description. Its popularity would probably be much greater if not for its "synthetic" character. It simply looks unnaturally beautiful. Yes, I have pictures. I also picked up a smaller cabochon of seraphinite (also spelled: saraphinite). Also from Russia, also iridescent, but green and iridescent white. No pic right now. I visited three different bead shops in the Columbus area, picking up a little bit of this and a little bit of that, and a whole lotta that at one in particular - Byzantium. *Sigh* I spent over two hours in there. I could have spent 24. Anyway, since peeps always want pics and they always want to know, “How do you do that??” A pictorial/tutorial for you. Hop Hop! First, cement your cabochon to a piece of felt. Then get your beads ready and your pretty matching thread. (The lightest lilac was not used) Then you backstich beads around the cab. Then again... And again... Cut the felt away and add loops... Intertwine another loop and this part is done. More as the project progresses.

Wonderbra - Rated R

I bought one today. I bought it because my bra strap broke. I did happen to be at a local store when it happened, purchasing clothing. I thought, "How fortunate, except, they only have two bras... and OH, how fortunate, one is in MY SIZE! But... it’s a Wonderbra...why in the FUCK does a size D cup need a Wonderbra?" Doesn’t matter, I need a bra. Holy Hera. I have more boobs than I thought I did and now, IT REALLY SHOWS!! Not to mention, I had worn a sleeveless shirt under my blazer and it was in the 80s today and the law firm I work for does not allow sleeveless shirts so this is why I was shopping, not to mention, I just need some new clothes. Well, new to me since I was shopping at this consignment store. I bought this really beautiful turquoise shirt that looks awesome on me, boobs and all, and all boobs that I was today. This is of course the day that one of the partners of said law firm that I’m working for decides to meet me (and the girls) for the first time. He noticed the Wonderbra, well, the girls in the Wonderbra. All of the women at headquarters must be flat-chested because he was acting like he’d never seen a pair before. That’s okay, because he was good looking, had that cute little gap between his teeth, I know he’s rich, and I was wondering what he was built like under his Levi’s. Yeah, I can’t wear a sleeveless shirt but he can wear Levi’s. The difference between the haves and the have nots. AZ and I were yakkin’ about it and other things (other things being backrubs and blowjobs and how I think he could use both and I need to keep my skillz up, but you didn’t hear it here) and I mentioned that I could wear my Wonderbra whilst engaging in said, ummmmm, "Skillz Test," and he said, "Well, you know, Wonderbra just means, ‘Gee, I wonder what’s under that bra.’" Which elicited a gut busting hearty laugh from me until I caught my breath and said, "So, we gonna help each other out?" Deep, sexy makes-my-toes-curl voice "Let’s see what we can set up for next week." *Blink* Did I just orgasm?

Indecisive

My life can’t decide what it wants to do... go along really fast or screech to a halt. Or maybe the screeching to a halt is just really a normal pace. Nate has been having a few problems with his heart rate speeding up on occasion so he had to have an EKG. He’s off his medication until we get the results back. That means life is moving at a faster pace. Much faster. Colors and design have been chosen for Her Royal Evilness’s bridal necklace. Next weekend, if all is well, I’ll be going to Columbus, although many trips are in the planning phase, like Abingdon/Asheville, Pittsburgh, Houston (maybe), Baltimore, and Carrboro. I have been beading quite a bit, as you can probably guess and have some new photos for your viewing pleasure. I bought two new beading books yesterday and I found some perfect beads to complete a piece I’ve been working on. My love life sucks and my sex life sucks worse. Not much more I can say about that. So, here’s some pics so you all know why I haven’t updated my link and why I haven’t been around. Hope you all had a happy, relaxing weekend! This is a purple dyed agate wrapped with pink with pink and magenta Swarovskis. The soon to be necklace protion is being beaded around a straw. New cocktail ring. I changed the band to a flat two-drop peyote. Comfort level increase 100%. Blogger won't let me upload another ring I did. I'll try to post it on my photoblog later.

Figures

I finally get the chance to read and comment on Blogger and freakin’ Hatefulscan is down. Fuckn figures. **** Talked to AZ today (after three aborted phone calls and one additional e-mail) about an e-mail I had received about a t-shirt. I gave up and just sent him the e-mail, unedited. Perhaps it put a smile on his face to see someone refer to me as "cupcake." No, the convo did not proceed to "He Who Shall No Longer Be Named." Didn’t have time nor perhaps even, inclination. He’s probably asleep by now so the chances of any further conversations on the topic happening this evening are slim to none. Two people + too much work = one conversation over several days (in snippets). Not stereo, snippets. We are the Snippet People. **** Oh, yeah, our trip to the Science Explosion. Well, it was fun for the kids. Nate acted like a little butt part of the time but once Danlel backed me up on how he was ruining our fun, he straightened up. The powers that be there told me to call them mid-August to discuss selling my jewelry there. Still have to contact Tamarack about doing an artist demo. Still need my business license and a business account and then have to contact Paypal about that. Making bead buying plans. Looks like next weekend in Columbus, BUT I did find this bead shop in Asheville, NC. Now, who do I know that lives in Asheville???? Hrmmmmmmmmm.....

I Got Played

Dear AZ: I no longer have access to a printer unless I find some ink for mine, so until then, and since I’m not much in the mood to write longhand, e-mail will have to do. I’m exceptionally troubled. I’m not sure how to approach it. Part of me wants to believe that I’m way off base but the bigger part of me says, "Girl, you are right on!" I was wondering what Lex said to you about he and I going to the movies. The reason is because he was so totally into me there for a while again, and suddenly he just kinda dropped off the face of the Earth. Yeah, I know he’s got school, work, and homework but he basically has ignored me and I couldn’t think of what it could be until I realized that his "attention" coincided with your trip out of town and his lack of "attention" coincided with your return. Plus, some of the things he has said has set off my "I’m-so-fucking-jealous-of-him" radar. "Him" being you, of course. I’ll throw this out there too. Lex is an empath, and he is very adept at hiding his feelings yet continues to read yours and mine. Frankly, out there, and up front, not hiding anything, you’ll always be special to me. That is something very difficult to hide inside of myself. It is what it is. I accept it. I accept it as much as you accept your feelings for me. I’ll quantify that by saying, not THOSE kinds of feelings, but the other kind of feelings that are not romantic but just a bond of friendship, time, and acceptance of the limitations of where our feelings can go. It does not hide within each of us, that small twinge of jealousy that erupts on occasion. That very wrong and intense feeling that we somehow "belong" to one another and what we have, in way of friends or otherwise, is not to be infringed upon by outsiders. And while you and I may be very well schooled to hide any outward, visible indication of jealousy or irritation, it is not lost on an empath, who, due to our collective busyness, both of mind and body, has time to sit back and worm his way into our emotions and feed each of us enough information to see if we react, internally, EMOTIONALLY, to his fucking little games so he can feed off of our collective feelings like a leech and come away with an exceptionally smug feeling of somehow knowing something he shouldn’t. I think Lex forgets though, that you and I are also both empathic. While you may not have time, nor, frankly, any reason to dissect, analyze, and basically rummage around in Lex’s covert feelings, I have every reason to. He forgets that I am just as adept at accessing him from afar as I am from close up. He’s not the only sneaky bastard out there. I’m not above being an empathic bitch and breaking the rules of empathic access to hit him when he least expects it. I have to swallow a huge portion of pride to admit what brought this on. It was my acceptance at Tamarack. I was so busy with my beadwork and my new job, Nate, etc. that I really haven’t been "on my guard" so to speak. *Swallowing pride* I’ve been very upset. Okay, that’s an understatement. I’m crushed that none of my close friends, other than you, have even cared about it. T-Bird has stopped calling me and Lex has ignored any attempt to talk about it. My mother had a decidedly lackluster response. While I keep telling myself that it doesn’t matter what they think, that it only matters that I’M proud of my accomplishment, it really hurts. A lot. And that hurt is what "woke me up" and I started searching, empathically, emotionally for answers. Some would say it’s only coincidence but I know better. (Sometimes I hate knowing.) But, that’s why I started examining all of this and in the process, determined why it was that suddenly I was Lex’s best girl, and then suddenly, I wasn’t. I hate being used. I loathe being used to try and invoke a response from you for someone else’s twisted bullshit. I loathe it worse that I played into it. I feel like a fool. And while I may not like it when I feel that way as far as you’re concerned, you’re AZ, and while I may call you on it, I don’t hold it against you. But he’s not you. And isn’t that the entire problem to start with? I guess you could call this "Revenge of the Empath - Menage Trois." And, it doesn’t help anything that in the middle of all this, I have found myself incredibly lonely. I figure Lex played off that too. Hu-rah. But, like I told AZ, time to stop whining, learn my lesson, and pull myself up by those bootstraps. I have beading to do. Fuck ‘em.

I Am Troubled

It’s about AZ. And Lex. Envy. Jealousy. And just plain bullshit. I have to talk to AZ about it first because if I ask him a direct question he’ll give me a direct answer. He’ll know. He’ll understand. Right now I feel so betrayed and used, I could hurt someone. But mostly, I want to cry.