The pissed rant

I’m holding a dead kitten in my lap. Sapphire was dead when I got home this evening, nestled in among her siblings, her little bony body still warm, her little face between her paws. And Nate and I have cried and I’m still crying. She nursed really good yesterday morning and last night but, let’s face it, something was wrong with her. She wasn’t growing, hell, she still had her umbilical cord. There probably was something wrong on the inside because she didn’t get enough time to grow or room in the womb. It’s a fact of animal life. No, I don’t think its morbid that I’m sitting here with her on my lap. I look down at her and stroke her soft fur and wish her well. So what if she was only 11 days old. Big fucking deal. I have a connection with animals that I can’t explain and her dying breaks my heart. And as I have told Nate, when we lost Mongoya, and now, that they had a good home and they were loved. For their short life, they were loved. That’s what really matters. Why am I pissed? Well... fuck, I had a different post planned about what irked me today because several things did but now this one thing stands out most. AZ and Lex called me from the studio today. Can I just say this was awkward? I haven’t talked to Lex since I dumped him. Sure, we’ve chatted off and on but I haven’t spoken to him. AZ, well, we all know about him. Yeah, I spent time speaking in code to AZ and trying to keep my tongue in check because I’m lady enough not to diss Lex in front of one of his friends. I told them that I had five new kittens two days before my birthday so now I had 13. Lex said, "Damn, you had too many when you had eight." I said, "Well, I may lose one." What I WANTED TO SAY was... "Look fucktard, its not like I asked you to take care of my cats m’kay! And furthermore, since I own my house and don’t live with my mommy, I’ll do whatever the fuck I want." AZ didn’t say anything at all because he KNOWS how I feel about my cats. He knows that I have tried to reduce my population. He has the same problem with people telling him to get rid of his dog. He loves the floppy eared mangy beast and... therefore he keeps him. The whole fucking conversation with Lex and AZ was... just terrible on my part. I mean, fuck, maybe Lex doesn’t know about mine and AZ’s relationship, but AZ does. And AZ definitely knows about my relationship with Lex and how I felt and how much it hurt me.... I want to call AZ and rip his ass apart. You have no idea!! NONE!!! As in, "What the fuck were you thinking?" As in, "You admitted you guys were talking about me why didn’t you just come out and tell him that I suck your dick and did it not cross your mind that I would feel a weeeeee bit uncomfortable talking to both of you!" Men are stupid creatures!!! Fucking stupid!!! I IMed Lex when I got home, before I started writing this to tell him, "Now I have 12 because I found the runt dead." I did. I DID, I DID, I DID. Crass asshole. I wanted to ask him if that’s the reason he wouldn’t have sex with me, or go out with me or treat me any better than what he did. That’s what I wanted to ask him. Were my eight cats the reason you are an EMOTIONAL CRIPPLE??? Answer that ASSHOLE!!! ANSWER THAT!!! And fuck you prick... Yeah, its okay for me to overlook the fact that YOU LIVE WITH YOUR MOTHER AT THE AGE OF 34!!! But, you wanna bitch about my cats??? Fuck you!!! FUCK. YOU. FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU. YEAH, YOU’RE GODDAMN RIGHT I TAKE IT PERSONAL!!!!!!! FUCK. YOU. And I want AZ to call me... I want him to. I want him to call me and explain why the fuck he did that. Lex would have NEVER known my phone number at work. He had such an indifference to calling me AT ALL!!! I know I’m so mad and upset that if I call him, I’ll just bawl and sob and yell and be really, really pissed. And then he’ll yell at me and then we’ll both feel bad. I’ve been mad at AZ before, but this takes the fucking cake. THIS IS PERSONAL!!! This hits me where it hurts. Two of my biggest failed relationships on the phone with me at the SAME FUCKING TIME! JEEEEZUUUSSSS... SLAP ME HARDER!!! GOD, I LOVE IT, I LOVE THE PAIN, SLAP ME HARDER!!! BEAT ME ‘TIL I’M RED!!! BEAT ME! BEAT ME! MAKE IT HURT!!!! DON’T LET ME FORGET!!! And its raining and cold and I have to dig a hole. Morticia keeps jumping my lap, licking her baby, like she’s trying to wake her up. That is just too sad to take so I gotta go do what I gotta do. I need to go out and get cat food for the others and beads for Nate’s sister’s necklace and for a few others and I can’t go with a glowing red nose and red rimmed eyes. Okay, yeah, I’m gonna have to. *sigh* Oh and just for the record, FUCK YOU LEX! And AZ, get your head out of your ASS!

I'm Upset... But Not Upset... But I'm Upset

On Thanksgiving Day, after the hunt was over and darkness had fallen, I went back to the farmhouse to ‘face the music.’ That would be... my family, collectively. I do not have a warm and fuzzy relationship with my brother and his wife. I’ve tried. It hasn’t worked. Being the perceptive individual that I am, I realize it will always be this way. They probably don’t approve of my life any more than I approve of their’s. Okay. What I’m upset about is really more than one thing... its two or three things combined, maybe four. They just all mix together in some bizarro fashion. First is Nate. He’s never really been around babies, just J1 and J2 but he didn’t see them very often and he was all of three when J1 was born. I was sitting holding Annie and he came in and sat down beside of me and asked if he could hold her. I sat her on his lap and he held her carefully and talked to her while I battled the four arms and two heads attempting to decimate them, known as The Nephews. They are sooo rough with her! They pull her little head around, twist her arms, get in her face... poor darling. Nate just sat with her and I could tell... he wanted one. I want one for him. I want one for me. I want one for us... whoever the collective "us" is. This is not the first time that Nate has brought the issue up. He really wants a baby sister, I think he would take a baby brother but has definitely told me he wants a baby sister. He told me on the way home that The Nephews were way too rough. He’s so protective of her. This leads me to what else is bothering me. How The Nephews are allowed to treat, not only each other, but my niece. My SIL and brother, well... if they want to let their sons boss them around and slap them across the face (yes, J2 hauled off and slapped my SIL across the face as hard as he could and she did.... um... nothing) then so be it. But dear God, they slap, punch, kick, pinch, pull hair, talk back, throw tantrums, sling food... and this puts a lot of stress on my parents when they are there. It puts stress on me and Nate too because now The Nephews have taken to fighting over Nate. Nate came home scratched and bruised because he got caught between them. The Nephews are absolutely the cutest little boys you could ever hope for. My niece is an absolute doll. She is sooo sweet. I told my brother that and his response was, "Well, she’ll be as rotten as the other two before long." Oh, like this is no big deal that he’s raising a posse of undisciplined disciples of Satan! Nate may not jump at every word I say but he knows what is right and wrong and he’s figured out that what The Nephews do, is wrong. This bothers him. And this bothers me. As I was looking through my SIL scrapbook, I came across the story of how Annie came to be. Seems my SIL cannot ovulate by herself. She takes a particular drug that makes her ovulate or a follicle ripen. She then goes to the fertility doctor and they do an ultrasound to see if its working. If it is but not moving on, then they shoot her up with progesterone. All well and good, I knew she needed a little extra help in that department. In the scrapbook she talked about how "we just couldn’t wait to have another baby... so we went to Disney with the boys first... blah, blah, blah" Heh, I had figured that out myself. Big trip = new baby. Then she goes on to say that she had a certain amount of time, blah, blah... and my brother had just flown back from Alabama. This whole "we" thing, was bullshit. My parents were with my brother when my SIL called to give him the big news. He was, shall we say, less than thrilled. Which is sad. For me, its sad. No one’s life is perfect and whatever facade my brother and SIL were going for sort of crumbled in that moment. Whatever my brother does for Annie, its done with a mechanical indifference. He feeds her but doesn’t look at her. He holds her but away from him. He used to come in and if one of us was holding J1 or J2, especially J1, then he would talk to them as babies and with Annie, oh well. Its not Annie’s fault. Its his fault for not having the balls to stand up to his wife and its my SIL’s fault for taking matters into her own hands. I don’t know what the deal is there but I see three perfectly good kids, smart kids (so far), being completely wasted. Oh and what I would give for them to be mine. That’s what really bothers me. I would love to have more kids.... kidssssss... not just one more, although I’d settle, but I’d prefer three. Hell, I’d adopt a whole family if I could. But alas. My brother is a fucking moron and his wife is a bitch. Yep, she loves shoving them out but by God if she wants to actually act like a parent. Being a parent means being the bad guy sometimes. It means saying "no" and meaning it and yes, it’s a hard fucking job!! I KNOW! I think of my poor Nate, and how they talked about him before we found out about the seizures and the ADHD. He has his problems but God, he’s a damn good kid all in all. He’s sweet and kind and he LOVES so much!! So many things I want for us.... Its hard to keep my spirits up sometimes. I put out some feelers... you know, "going for it" in a sense with some of my crushes but have come up... no where. That’s hard, really, really hard. Sometimes I think men think I’m teasing them or some shit when I express interest or... I don’t know. Its like, "yeah, right, uh huh." Yo, fucktard, I’m serious!!! What? You think I’m doing this for my health? No you nimrod, its because I LIKE YOU. That goes for my crogs too. Nothing like having your hand slapped for trying to dip into the pot. Yeah, well, I’m an emotionally complex individual. I know I am. Deal with it. Can’t handle it, don’t want you anyway. I’m not bitter, I’m more confused than anything. People who don’t have it, want it. People who have it, take it for granted. Yes, I just generalized a whole, whole lot. My blog. Bite me. This is one of those nights, I go outside and stare at the moon and the stars and say... "What the FUCK?" Then as I sit here writing, Nate brings me a bracelet he made me with some letter beads I had bought him. It says, "Nate and Mommy." That makes it better. Time to be thankful for what I have instead of grousing over what I don’t have. Injustice is the way of the world and the world owes me nothing, except... DIP!!

Sapphire and such....

Sapphire, one of my new kittens, is not doing well. She’s weak, still has her umbilical cord and is not growing like the others. Basically, a failure to thrive. I put her on the nip this morning and I’ll do the same tonight. I figure she is getting milk, but because she is so small she’s getting the leftovers and what she needs is the good stuff. I told Nate that I would prefer that nature take its course. If something is wrong with her then its best that we leave her be. I take my cue from Morticia though. She cleans her and makes over her just like she does the others. She hasn’t rejected Sapphire but, being a cat and not having hands, is pretty powerless to stop the other kittens, who are much bigger and stronger from taking her spot at the nipple board. I told Nate if she makes it until tomorrow, by herself, then I will get some replacement formula and hand feed her. She may just need a supplement to get her over the hump. She is going to be a really cute girl. My sense of fairness just will not let me give up on her. I always root for the underdog, or cat, in this instance. I will also make up a batch of home-made Pedialyte © tonight and feed her some with a dropper. She is a bit dehydrated, which is more dangerous than just being underfed. Oh hell, I know I’ll risk overdrawing my account and will go to PetSmart tonight and get her some formula, if she’s still kicking when I get home. *Crosses fingers* On to other things. Nate and I moved furniture, cleaned and made a spot for the Christmas tree. We got it about half-way up and I found it laying on its side this morning, a victim of curious cats. This is why its almost impossible to have a tree. I’ll have to anchor it to the floor. Maybe I can spray something around it to keep the cats away. I made my sister-in-law a necklace and earrings for Christmas. I’m making J1, J2 and Nate, all matching medicine pouches, similar to this one. My mom, who was huffing mad and stressed to the max with my nephews and my SIL, asked me if I thought she would ever spend so much personal time doing something like that for Nate. I said, "No, but that doesn’t mean I have to be like her." And it doesn’t. I can’t afford much. I can’t depend on what is looking to be more like a non-existent bonus so I have to do what I can afford. Plus, I’ve had this idea for a long time. The boys love anything to do with hunting and things like that. I figured it would a nice place to put marbles and things they find in the woods. I’m also going to bead their names on each of the pouches... that way, no fighting! I’ll probably put a few other things on them too, just to make them special. I can loom all of that and it won’t take me any time at all. Just have to get the beads. When Nate and I were leaving my parent’s house the other night, Nate said, "Mom, that tree is looking at us." I thought I’d had too much turkey or something until I looked at the big oak tree that my car was parked under. My parents had gotten one of those novelty things that you put on trees. Eyes, nose, mouth, like the trees from "The Wizard of Oz." I laughed until I almost cried. Happy Monday!

The Nannerbananerburg Address

383 years after the Algonquins saved the white bread Pilgrim asses by showing them how to hunt, plant and gather, I hold these truths to be somewhat evident, at least to me: 1. No matter how steep a mountain is going up, it will contort at least one of your knees going down. 2. The moment you look up while scouting or stalking is the exact moment you will step in a mud hole up to your hip. 3. Hunting into the wind during a snow storm will cause ice to form on your eyebrows and eyelashes. 4. Any 16 degree drop in the temperature is never a good thing. 5. Neither is leaving your gloves and toboggan at home. 6. If the strap on your rifle breaks twice and the barrel of said rifle goes into the mud it is best not to discharge said firearm and return to base to clean said rifle. 7. If on the way to clean said rifle you miss taking a shot at an eight point buck, said buck will never reappear anytime during your natural life and will become a phantom of the forest. (The yellow antlered bastard!) 8. Awakening at 4:00 a.m., driving an hour and a half, walking 10 miles, stuffing yourself with turkey, and then driving another hour and a half, will cause you to oversleep the next morning. 9. You cannot shoot a rifle if you’re too scared to let go of the tree stand. 10. Frustration is when your father tells you half of a second before dusk that he would like you to shoot a doe for his starving neighbors when you have passed up six opportunities to shoot does and then do not see another deer during the remaining nanosecond of daylight. 11. Double frustration is dealing with your nephews. 12. Quadruple frustration is dealing with your parents who are dealing with your nephews. 13. It is best while seated at the table for Thanksgiving dinner to "get in the zone" of turkey, dressing, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, cranberries, corn, beans, roll, deviled egg, drink tea - repeat - repeat - repeat. This will save you the frustration of watching one nephew flip mashed potatoes on the other and makes for a more enjoyable dining experience. 14. While forced to look at your sister-in-law’s scrapbooking efforts, attempt to refrain from mentioning that you are missing from the entire year of 2004. 15. Also while looking at said scrapbook, attempt to forget that you read about the conception of your niece. 16. The creatures in the forest are much tamer than the yard apes at the house. 17. Sitting in a warm patch of sunlight, with your head in a comfortable niche, toboggan on, hood up, rifle across your lap, is the perfect way to catch an afternoon nap. Ahem.... not that I would know. 18. The reason you eat turkey on Thanksgiving is because the little shits keep giving up your position to the deer so you shoot them instead. 19. The wind chill is in direct correspondence to your age in negative numbers. 20. You will see five times more deer on the drive home than you did in the two days you hunted.

No Sleep Til...

Tomorrow? The nabes and I sat outside last night with a kerosene heater, drank beer and tried to belch as loud as possible when someone would come down the street walking, running or on a bike. Naturally, we misfired all the time. J.A., which is TLC’s mom and I talked about the fact the school nurse told TLC that he smelled like cat pee. Well, I told her that he does some days. His clothes rather. Okay, most days. He smells worse than cat pee. Sometimes he smells so bad I have to roll the window down on the ride to school and its only six blocks. TLC smells really bad, Hagar... ehhh, sometimes and J.A. never does. I think this is because she hangs her clothes up etc., while TLC is known to take clothes off the hanger and dump them in the floor... and the floor stinks... so. Sad. Anyway, I agree with J.A. that the school should have called her or Hagar and not said anything to TLC. Maybe that was the school’s way of getting to them. Also, the teacher told TLC he was not allowed to play video games anymore. I’m not sure how she intends to enforce that but J.A. overrode her and said after TLC gets his homework done that he can play video games. Must be those straight E’s the school is worried about. J.A. was also telling me about her friend BeeBee, who she works with. She recently dumped her alcoholic, drug addict boyfriend and had to take the cops to the apartment to get her things because he wouldn’t let her in, threatened her, etc. Her ex opened the window to the apartment and yelled down to where she and the officer were standing, "Here, don’t forget this! You’re gonna need it!" And threw a dildo at her. She yelled back, "I wouldn’t have needed it if you were bigger than this," and spread her fingers an inch apart. She said the cop bust out laughing. Probably made his night. Then she was telling me about another friend? Co-worker... that is 47 years old and just found out she’s pregnant... again. She has two children and has had about four abortions. Problem is, chica takes seven Lortabs in the morning just to get moving, more throughout the day, and drinks every evening. No, she’s not stopping!!! J.A. asked her to stop the pills and stop the drinking and she would take care of the baby when she had it. I asked J.A. if Addict really knew what this child was going to be like when it came out, if it survived to be born anyway. Forget mentally challenged, the child will be teetotally fucking retarded!! They will remove the child from her custody, as rightly they should, if it is born addicted to a narcotic . Some people should be publicly flogged. Nate got up sick with diarrhea at 4:30 this morning. Amazing how one good call of "Mommy" with right inflection can bring one wide fucking awake at that time of the morning. Not just do your eyes fly open but you sit straight up in the bed. He didn’t throw up or anything, just went potty twice and then curled up with me and went back to sleep. Naturally, I did not for at least an hour. The adrenaline was already pumping. Then I overslept. Well, not really, I just didn’t get out of the bed. I saw the time on the clock was 8:29 but the radio said it was only 8:21, so, I hit the snooze and rolled over for another eight minutes. I do that. Now, I’m tired. I had worked on my new purse last night until midnight and I was really counting on those seven straight hours from 12-7 to get me through. Tomorrow morning I’ll be up at 4:30 to drive to my Mom’s house to go hunting. So far they haven’t had any luck. The deer are hiding because of the rain. One of them got a spike, but that’s it. Tricky bastards. Still no news on my bonus, which reeks. Really reeks. I can’t tell you how much it reeks!! And stinks!! And reeks!! I told Bunsen yesterday that if I got it I was having dip all weekend, crab dip, devil dip, chili/cheese dip and crackers and Tostitos. I’m craving dip. I want DIP dammit!! Now, I’ll have to wait until Tuesday for payday. I’m working Friday because I need the money. I found a cyst/tumor type thing on Smokey, that’s my big, fat nine year old cat. Its on his spine, right below the shoulder blades. Oy! Just one more thing. I’m going to keep an eye on it. Sometimes they are absorbed by the body. He could have bumped it on something too. Or it may be a warble. As some of you may not know what a marble is, it is the maggot or larvae of a warble fly that lives under the skin of mammals. I don’t see any type of hole though which would indicate this. Plus, the place would be hard and hot, this is mushy. Well, that’s my world. Happy Thanksgiving Turkeys! Oh, I meant, Happy Thanksgiving, EAT lots of turkey... yeah, that’s what I meant. Gobble, gobble. Stay safe. Eat DIP if you have it.

More Quickies

Morticia As some of you know, or don’t know, Morticia had her kittens on Friday. She had two while I was at work and had the other three afterwards. Poor girl, she labored at least 8-9 hours with them. Last time it didn’t take as long. I have two black/whites, one black and two tortoiseshell. They are bit smaller, I guess because there was one more than before. The torties are gorgeous. Morticia’s mother was a tortie but I’m still surprised. Nate got to see one of them being born and his reactions were: Oh cooolll... Ewwwww Yuck! Then he watched as she passed the afterbirth and ate it. "Mom, what she did just do?" I’ll save my explanation because it involved the terms uterus, blood etc. "Mom, did you have to eat my afterbirth?" "No honey, only animals eat their afterbirth." "I think that’s just disgusting." LOL!!! Birthday 11.21.04 - 6:30 a.m. - Telephone rings. I have been asleep about two hours. It was SPERM DONOR calling to wish me a HAPPY BIRTHDAY. He said, "I wanted to be the first." I said, "You should have been at the bar at 12:03 last night then." Stupid fuck. 11.21.04 - 10:30 a.m. - Telephone rings. Sperm Donor again. He puts Nate on the phone. Nate tells me Happy Birthday. Unfortunately he hands the phone back to his dad. Sperm Donor launches into some monologue about his now ex-girlfriend. I am half-asleep and barely listening, trying to recapture a dream about me dressed as a barmaid and Johnny Depp as Captain Jack Sparrow, when he says, "I’ll just tie a bow around it for you and wear some real loose boxers." WHOA, I’M AWAKE!! "What the fuck are you talking about?" "I figure if I’m going to be accused of it, I might as well do it." (Said ex-girlfriend accused him of sleeping with me. Sorry, stupid girlfriend, its been nine years and will be 90 more. I’d rather eat afterbirth.) "Ew." Jay After reading Jay’s post this morning, I was reminded what it was like finding out I was pregnant, November 3, 1995. The rush of panic, awe, confusion, and fear. I hope to always remember that feeling to have empathy for others, even if it is one of my own or a girlfriend of one of my own. Jack Back to kitties. Sissy at work asked that if Morticia had a black/white boy that she wanted it. So, Mortie had one black/white boy, just for her. I asked her to name it Jack, after our favorite officer of the law who has such interesting and painful experiences with felines. I begin loving on my kittens when they are just hours old. I think it makes them more loving as adults. Any cat left to its own devices will turn feral. Just like a woman. Angi After visiting Angi’s blog, I found out I’m the cranberry sauce part of Thanksgiving (a little sweet, a little sour, no dried up prunes), I’m a lifelong blogger and the Green Bean Casserole flavor of some holiday soda... oh and I’m 87 % Scorpio. Really? NO SHIT! Night, oh and GOOD MORNING TRASHMAN!!! *Sings* You are my sunshine... my only sunshine...

Now, That's What You Call Ironic

After the fiasco with SD, (thanks Zelda) I wasn’t much in the mood to go out and get shit-faced or to stray too far from home. I went to T-Birds and had dinner and we decided we would go to the local Hole-In-The-Wall-Tavern to have a few drinks and still be close enough that if the cellphone rang, I was just a few miles away from Nate. So, we hit the bar. As I was sitting drinking my first drink, a Peach Blossom which is Strawberry Smirnoff and Peach Schnapps (a nice healthy triple shot for three bucks!) I noticed the food list on the wall. One of them said, "Big Ass Cheese Samich" and another "World Famous in (insert town name) Wangs." LOL!! How about the "Triple Decker Club Samich?" Sounds good right now. A guy comes over that T-Bird knows named... Jim Bob. I swear. Jim Bob AKA Paw-Paw. He said, "You are one hunka good lookin’ woman." A hunka good lookin’ woman. I don’t believe any has ever said that to me before. Not in those words anyway. Let me tell ya, I had on a old pair of low-riders that I got hand-me-down from someone else, an old sweatshirt two sizes too big, no make-up, my hair still wet and in a bun and I had my glasses on. Of course, that meant, comparatively speaking, I was dressed up. LOL!! A guy came over and asked if he could buy me a beer (he was three sheets and working on four) and if I wanted to play a game of pool. I said, eh, what the hell... and surprised myself by beating him by playing a good game as opposed to just beating him because he was drunk. Then T-Bird came over and we played doubles with a friend of his. Every time he went to the bar he came back with two beers. By the time he stumbled out with his friend to go home, there were three full beers on the table. I sat down to drink one of them and got an eyeful of the girl sitting with her back to me with her ass crack showing. Oddly enough, I didn’t find that a bit attractive. I then saw a really good looking guy. Enough that I gave him a few glances. It was something about his aura that I found... interesting. He also had a good singing voice as he went up and sang a Tim McGraw song. Yeah.... scary-okey... this place had it all. He and his friend were sitting behind us and I moved over so they could look at the chick’s ass crack, which made both of them chuckle. We started talking and I found out his name was Tim... hmmmm... he does actually resemble Tim McGraw. He asked if I wanted to go four-wheeling in his Bronco (nice and muddy in the Mountain State right now) so I dropped T-Bird off and followed him to his place. His friend went to put gas in the truck and we sat and talked, drank another beer, I met his dad, his nephew and another peep. I was buzzing but I wasn’t drunk and he hadn’t had very many at all. Finally his friend got back and we got in the truck and took off for the dirt/mud roads. I was familiar with the area anyway but of course the locals know all the good spots. We ended up pulled off the road on top of a mountain. There was a lot of cloud cover so their was a faint glow all around us from the city lights. We sat for a long time and talked. I was getting tired too. Well, we both were and then we started kissing and eventually he hauled me over onto his lap. Good thing the driver’s side window was permanently down and I stripped out of my sweatshirt and bra and my jeans are unsnapped and .... well... ahem... he took his shirt off, ummmmm... nice chest. That feeling of sitting in the woods, with an eerie glow, the night wind on my bare breasts and a man’s warm mouth... mmmmmmmm... and the crow of a rooster. A rooster? WTF?? Its two fucking o’clock in the morning! We got a kick out of that. Eventually we heard a vehicle and scrambled to get ourselves together. The vehicle never materialized but we decided to head off the hill anyway. So, what’s so ironic about this? Ahhh.... you guys know what a love I have of reciprocation, blow jobs, sex etc. Well, I found myself in a situation where that wasn’t possible. Jim is paralyzed from the waist down and has absolutely no sensation below, well around T12, L1... about four inches above the waistline actually. It was... different but not a bad kind of different. I didn’t really know how to address it so I was just blunt and he was blunt right back. Another interesting thing about last night.... sitting in a truck, with the eerie glow and watching someone drop the redneck facade, as though to step outside of what is expected, and be who they really are. A nice guy who has a job, is going to college and hoping to better his life. A change from the whining I heard from SD to this guy, who has been paralyzed for 10 years yet expects life to hand him nothing. Who is not bitter nor expects pity but goes about life just as we do, if not better. Who said the worst thing about his wreck (motorcycle) is how his son was six months old at the time and after three months in the hospital and another four years of coming to terms with his disability, he lost his bond with him. Just a reminder of how fortunate I am. I had a good time with him, aside from the fact that he has magic fingers. That was nice but just being with him was nicer. He’s calm and sweet and... I just liked him. Thanks for the birthday wishes. I’m off for a 30 minute nap before I have to face SD.... I’ll tell ya about our conversations this morning later. Why ruin a perfectly good day?

Open Windows

The weekend is shaping up to be as shitty as I hoped it wouldn’t be. Sperm donor has decided to rear his ugly head because his girlfriend dumped him, again. Big Whoop. His coping techniques are sorely lacking. It becomes not just her fault, but my fault and his first ex-wife’s fault and his second ex-wife’s fault and none of his. Nate is spending time at his uncle’s house instead of with his dad, which is just fine with me because Sperm Donor sounds like he’s had about a case of beer. Unfortunately, or fortunately, his uncle lives right next door. A question into the safety of my child, yes, I said MY child, turns into a free for all with him yelling at me for not keeping my house clean enough or my car (whaa??) and that I shouldn’t be trying to cause shit and give him shit. Hmmmm... when it concerns Nate, I’ll stir as much shit as I want, as often as I want. Normally, I am the least likely of any to cause any shit. I’m tired though. I know what he’s doing and, its okay, I can handle it, I’m a big girl and I have strong, broad shoulders. He knows what he’s doing is wrong so he opens every can of worms he can find (i.e. my messy house) to deflect guilt onto someone else. This used to make me question my abilities as a parent because my house IS messy and my car is too. His isn’t but then again... he only has kids every other weekend. I know the shit slinging is just his way of trying to break down my self-esteem and bring me back into line. That’s one thing I think he can say he hates about me. He can’t break me. I’ll bend, I’ll bend back until my face is parallel to the floor but I won’t break. I can’t. That’s what I’ve learned about life. It throws you some pretty serious curveballs and some of them knock you on your ass and I’ve been knocked on my ass more than once. That’s what they make bootstraps for, so you can pull yourself up. Pitying yourself will get you no where. I’m reluctant to go out this evening because of this situation. You never know when that call will come in the middle of the night, it has before, and I like to be prepared if it does. It sucks and I wish Sperm Donor would find better means of dealing with his pitfalls in life but that’s the way it is. Not going out tonight will not make me or break me. I was angry but... what’s the point, it just makes me more like him. It is disappointing but that’s life. Life hurts all of us, no matter who we are. We suffer disappointments and broken hearts but it doesn’t give us the right to drop out of the human race and shirk our responsibilities. Nate has weathered every major storm in my life with me. It was Nate who kept me in the race, who kept me sane and sober and moving forward and forward and forward, until I got my head out of my ass and made myself learn how to better deal with my life not just for him, but for me. I often wonder why people look at me the way they do. Its not like my life has been any more difficult than anyone else’s. Matter of fact, I’ve had it pretty damn easy compared to some. I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me and I certainly am not going to use attention seeking behavior, bad, bad behavior to illicit it from someone else. How embarrassing. How fucking embarrassing!!! You break down in the bathroom, you bawl your eyes out until you have snot running down your face, then you clean up and open the door and wha-la... you’re still alive. You don't give up. I always figure too, there is some underlying reason why I won’t be where I had planned to be. Just like two weeks ago, it was the opposite. Being somewhere where I hadn’t planned to be. Funny ole world isn’t it? So it shall cycle... and as a door closes, a window opens.

No Good Title

I called AZ today. I had a few things to say. Such as, after he said he had been very busy and was tired, I said it sounded like he could use a backrub and a blowjob. Eh, why not get to the crux of the matter? I reminded him that it had almost been a year since he was here, in my house, alone with me. He said, "Damn, yeah, I guess it has." I think I said something along the lines of "too long without your dick in my mouth." Yeah, I was trying out my subtlety. Clever girl aren’t I? I didn’t think so either. Anyway, I asked if I should stop and he said, "I’ll let you know when to stop." That means... never? Amongst my sexual overtures we did manage to have a blunt conversation. Yes, it gets more blunt. How? Here’s how... If you’re just joining the program... AZ and I have been friends for almost 13 years. We’ve never had sex but we’ve gone just as close to it as one can get without doing it. I love him and I’ve been in love with him, off and on, throughout those almost 13 years but with the help of me blogger friends, realized, things are the way they are and they’re not going to change. Does this change the fact that he excites me sexually like nobody's business? No. Does this change the fact that he is one of my best friends? No. I told him a story, which I have not related here because I’m not certain the other party involved still remembers my blog URL and therefore, I do not want a shit storm. I am trying to save some feelings here. The story though relates back to AZ and I in this way... in the way of not wanting to tell someone you love and care about how you’re pretty sure you will never be with them... like 99.9% sure and you know if you tell them in that blatant way that it is going to hurt their feelings beyond belief and having been there... you just don’t want to do it? I was put in that position not long ago. In the middle of my jaw dropping through the floor, I realized that the situation that I was now in, is the same situation that I had placed AZ in, more than once, about whether or not we were going to give it a go. Paybacks are a bitch. Karma sucks. Here’s a brief transcription of what was said between us, paraphrased of course. Inanna: I realized what I had put you through. AZ: You didn’t put me through anything. Inanna: Yes, I did. AZ: You did not put me through anything. Inanna: AZ, I know that you have avoided having certain conversations with me for this very reason. AZ: Good call. Inanna: I know now how difficult it must have been the first time you told me (referring to 1992) and its not an easy thing to say to someone that you really care about and don’t want to hurt. It must have been very hard. AZ: Yeah, it was hard. Now, I’m going to get all mushy and feminine and show that soft side of myself. I wanted him to know that. I wanted him to know that I understood, finally, everything that went into what he said, and what he didn’t say. I wanted him to know that I did know why he wasn’t with me and that I also understood that it came from a deep caring for me that he didn’t tell me. We all say we want the truth... but we really don’t. The truth hurts. It hurt when in the midst of trying not to hurt one of the people I care about very, very much, that I realized that I had put him in that very position. I did, very much, realize what I meant to him in that moment. Say what you want... but think about it. Why didn’t I tell my friend the truth? The blatant, no holds barred, this is how it really is, truth? Because I love him as a friend, I care for him very deeply and I did not want to inflict that pain upon him. Is it bad to withhold the truth when the truth may set them free? We can all sit and say, "hell yeah, that’s not fair!" Well, life isn’t fair is it? And let’s face it... it’s a selfish thing too. We don’t want to lose that person. We want to keep them close to us on our own terms. That’s the truth. That is 100% truth. Its also 100% selfish. Human nature. AZ realizes though, that I do have the capacity to move on. I may come full circle a lot but I can move on. I’m not so sure about my friend. That remains to be seen and desperate times may call for those heartbreaking, desperate measures. I think the conversation I had with AZ today probably ranks in the top three conversations we’ve had in 12 years and 9 months, and we’ve had a lot of conversations. I also learned something else by talking to him about it. While being the dumpee, or whatever, in these types of situations sucks, its really two hearts that break. It was also important to me because of this: a) Anytime I would address anything of this magnitude with him, I wrote it in a letter because I didn’t have the self-confidence to do it in person or on the phone. b) I didn’t become overly emotional, meaning, I didn’t cry. c) I told him the WHOLE truth, even if I thought the story leading into my discovery would make him jealous (yes, I know) or perhaps not see me in so great a light. I didn’t gloss over any details. It was straightforward. d) I wasn’t nervous. I did hear his jaw drop on the floor a few times, and once it fell right through, but it was important that he know what lead me to this point. e) It felt good to share it with him. Ha, he said at one point, after discussing the fact that, yes indeed, its been almost 13 years since we met, that were getting old. Shhhhh... I said, no, we’re not, its just a number and I don’t look at you any differently now than I did then. I meant that. Creative visualization, because we’ve both changed a lot emotionally and intellectually. Physically, we're both still HOT! And then the conversation turned toward, "now, how many friends can you say you’ve known for 13 years?" Ummm... you and Beanie. And damn if you’re not both Sagittarians!!! He got a little quiet when I said that. Not sure why.... So, now he knows and I know and he knows that my "wild" side.... oh its coming out to play. (I think he may enjoy that a bit) and... I know that had it not been for you, look at yourself in the mirror, YOU, reading my shite, encouraging me and helping me along, I couldn’t have done it. I wouldn’t be where I am right now if it wasn’t for you. Thanks. *smooch*

Quickies

Saliva Survival of the Sickest is the song and video I have been overdosing on in the past few days. It takes a while for the video to load but afterwards is the uncensored version of the song and a multitude of hot vixens modeling Salivawear. Josey Scott (lead singer) and Dave Novotny (bassist) are on my list of Men I’d Love to Fuck. You can also sign up to win a trip to NYC, to see them in concert and meet the band. Eh, too bad Josey is married. Survival of the Sickest has become my personal anthem for the time being. 1, 2, 3, 4!!! I'm a hand up mona lisa's dress I'm a smile on every criminal you'll ever acquit I'm the things you've done you'd never admit Cause one hand is on the bible and the other's in shit (Chorus) But right now, your face is in the crowd I'm shouting out loud The one you counted out of the game Oh wow! Take a good look at me now Should have never had a doubt Is that you out hear screamin' my name? I'm a roller I'm a rider I'm number one motherfucking survivor So move over I'm a driver I'm high and i'm keep gettin higher Yeah yeah yeah! Yeah yeah yeah! I'm the one you thought that you could erase But a predator that's faster than the food that it chased You fall off the horse You brought to the race I'll be the one who's flyin' by ya Kickin' shit in your face (Chorus) I'm a roving, another love rider I'm a roving I'm a rider baby (Yeah yeah) So ease down And wrap your legs around me baby Wrap your legs around me Ease down And wrap your legs around me baby Wrap your legs around me! Come on baby, get on your knees I'm gonna drive this little red love machine This song just KICKS ASS! LM Big Boss tells me LM had a mini-meltdown yesterday and wonders if my conversation with him lead to it or if it was the fact that he and Karla are supposed to go to New York City for a romantic weekend and she’s backed out or something. Hmmmm.... Ego Vain, conceited... that’s me. It can also mean self-centered and selfish, which I can say I’m not, except in very specific ways. I’m also not conceited, I’m convinced. Ha. Megalomaniac Not just delusions of grandeur but also a passion for big things... or doing big things. I guess you can take that ... just about anyway you want. Homeless Saw one of our resident, highly visible homeless peeps this morning. He had on a very nice dress and new (to him) high heel type shoes. His make-up looked nice too. I wouldn’t tell him though. He’s really one of those that is mentally unstable... very unstable. The thought of what type of men he attracts makes me shiver to the bottom of my soul. Oatmeal I tried a new oatmeal this morning, Cinnamon Pecan, a microwave only oatmeal. It was good. Its recommendable. I love cinnamon though... its my favorite spice. I love cinnamon toast. Toast..... mmmmmmmm. E-Mail I e-mailed JP this morning and promptly made my self horny. Not that this is a difficult thing to do. Why can’t I just have a Steve? Just one week with him. Sex before work, sex in the shower, sex on the bed, sex on the stairs, ohhhh sex in the graveyard. Would we dare? I’m not sure he would be attracted to me though, I don’t have much of an ass and there wouldn’t be much chase involved, unless you count how many times he would have to crook his finger. Cravings I have a craving to give a blowjob. I crave that like I crave sex. It’s a purely selfish thing I assure you. I want to do it, I love to do it. I want it, want it, want it. Mmmmmm... would love to have AZ offer up his piece as a sacrifice to my heathen tongue. Beastie Boys You gotta fight! For your right! To parrrrrty!! Reminds me of Michael, the Beastie Boys but not particularly that song. CooterBug Asked the shoe shop guy if he would help me with the leather to go on Ang’s bracelet. He said it was gonna cost me... a big hug. Ha. Too bad he didn’t ask for a blowjob because I know that’s what he really wanted. There are just some things you can see in a person’s eyes. If he only knew. Bwhwhahahhaha.... Remember to ASK WITH SPECIFICITY!!! Ciao!

An Honest Man

Let me tell you about the nicest, sweetest, most faithful, loyal, honest man I know (besides my Dad). He's one of the lawyers I work for. I'll call him... LM. LM is 36 years old and has been engaged for the past seven years to Karla. I'll call her that because she reminds of the stone cold killer, Karla Fry, played by Brigitte Nielsen in Beverly Hills Cop II. She's blonde, statuesque and... a conniving, lying bitch. When I started working here, I heard all about her startling beauty, her Nordic princess looks etc. When I met her, I couldn't have been more surprised. Yes, she was tall, Nordic looking, and equally as cold as the Baltic in winter. My boss... Big Boss, the one I work for now, as I used to work for LM, feels the same way. She has absolutely no warmth at all. The first time I met her was at their home where I had gone to pick up some papers or something for a project. She told me what a lazy bum he was... blah, blah, blah. She also talked about him to Big Boss, yeah, basically what an idiot he is. Big Boss's wife now will not allow Karla in her house because she detests her so much. Yet, LM is blinded by... something. His brother, LB has a tall, Swedish wife, who has pumped out four kids and LM just wants to be like him. LB is the Rhodes Scholar, uber-successful lawyer while LM... well, he's a lot like me. ADD, low self-esteem... etc. blah blah. So, Karla works for LB at his firm down the street. Since I started working here 4 1/2 years ago, LM has been wanting to exchange the rings, seal the deal, and start a family. Its been one excuse after another on her part. First, she wanted a big wedding but they didn't have the money because both were paying off student loans, well, she was paying off student loans while LM paid all the bills. Then, she didn't want a big wedding, but wanted to just go to Italy or somewhere and get married. Umm.. that didn't happen either. Then, she didn't want to until she converted to Judiasm. So, she finally converted and they were going to have a short, family ceremony in front of the rabbi and fly off to parts unknown for their honeymoon this December. Now, she's decided that she does want a big wedding and they'll have to wait until May. Why buy the cow? Hell, she's milking him for everything he has. She makes, roughly, 25 - 30,000 more a year than he does yet he's paying for their fancy new house (his name's on the loan, yet her name is also on the deed). When he wanted to buy a dog, they couldn't get a run-of-the-mill dog, they had to have something special. How about an Italian Spinone? How about the fact this dog cost $1000.00... and how about the fact that in order for her to "give him permission" to get the dog, he also paid her $1000.00. Has your jaw dropped yet? This is just the tip of the iceberg. Not to mention, when they are together, she treats him like shit and with utter contempt. I guess if a guy was so in-love, infatuated over me that I could run over him with a steam roller, I wouldn't have much respect for him either. Then again, I would probably be so fucking grateful I would fuck him every night and blow him everyday, cook every meal and have all the babies he wanted. Here's the kicker. She has managed to convince him that her "best friend" .... oh what's his name... yeah, SB, is indeed gay so she can go over and spend the night with him, go out and have drinks etc. without LM. News flash* SB is not gay. If anything, he's a Casanova yet LM refuses to listen to us when we tell him... SB IS NOT GAY!!! Oh, and let me tell you, practically all of my "male friends," yeah, they've had a piece of me in one form or another. I don't believe it for one second that she's not fucking SB when she has the chance. Shhhhhh... let me tell you a secret. Big Boss and I have had closed door meetings about this situation. As it goes along, we become more and more in-tune to what is causing LM to allow this shite to go on. Big Boss is concerned because we're certain that if anything happens other than them walking merrily down the aisle that LM will hit bottom and not recover for quite some time. Frankly, we need him. Come on, the firm just bought another firm for a million dollars and Big Boss will be dealing with that so LM is going to have to take up the slack in the main office. A while back, Big Boss just point blank asked me if there was anything I could do. *wink* Its no secret around this office that I would throw LM down on a desk, in the chair or elsewhere and have my way with him. He knows it too. But, he's an honest man and an honorable one. He's the kind of man every woman dreams of marrying. Not that we haven't crept close to the edge at times... once, right before he went on vacation, I was sitting on the edge of his desk before he left and... that buzz hit the air and it was right there for us to kiss but we both backed off. *Kicks self in ass* We've backed off on saying ANYTHING about Karla. We know if we say anything it will just make him more defensive and he'll stay with her that much longer. Now, we're making bets. If he doesn't get married by May 1st, then he has to pay Big Boss $100, if he does get married by then, Big Boss pays him $100. Since I heard of the last delay in his marriage arrangements I went to his office, hands on hips, frowning. I don't care if he ever fucking marries her. I think it would be the worst thing that ever happened to him and I don't think the snotty, conceited bitch will ever have any babies, which he desperately wants. This morning I just said that this whole business is fucking ridiculous. He didn't have much to say until I walked up behind him and started massaging his neck and shoulders (this is common as he used my trigger point release to crack his neck) and then I wrapped my arms around him and pressed my breasts into his back, whispering in his ear, teasing and tempting him, letting him know exactly what I would do to him and for him. The man has a spine of STEEL. Okay? I told him though, "Fine, but if you're not married by the end of May, I think its time you either shit or get off the pot and start having a little fun. Tell me if you're not married by the end of May that you'll give me a chance." I've made similar offers such as this and he's always blushed, told me how much he was sure he would enjoy it but he couldn't. This time though, he didn't smile or blush, he simply nodded and said, "Okay, if I'm not married by the end of May, we'll have a serious discussion about it." LM is one of the few men in my life, that if he walked up to me and asked, "Will you marry me?" I would look at my watch and ask if we had time to get to the Courthouse. Hands down, no doubts. Still, I can't figure out who the biggest fool is, him or her? Him for letting her use him and abuse him the way she does, or her, for using and abusing one of the very best men I know. A man that any woman would be proud to be seen with and to love. A man who is faithful and family-oriented. A man who has repelled advances from me, female clients and female friends, to be faithful to her. Sigh. What a waste of a good man.

Making Plans

So, me birthday is Sunday, which means I will be celebrating starting Friday night at 6:00 p.m. when I drop Nate off at his dad's house and said revelry will not cease until I pass out sometime Sunday morning, either from too much booze or too much sex, or both. Hopefully more sex than booze. I believe T-Bird and Beanie will be going with me and we'll probably hit the last bar I was at to see if we can drum up any pretty-boy action, i.e. men who wear leather and buy real expensive drinks. Then we'll leave there, as they close at 1:00 a.m. WTF? and head to the Boulevard and check out the band scene, if by chance we haven't been drug away by some awesome guy to make our fantasies come true. Oh hell, with the three of us together it will hard to tell what kind of shit we will get into. The three of us may make one guy's dream come true times three. If all else fails, I will take a page from Jack's book and we'll go to IHOP and have an early, early breakfast before traipsing home and passing out until I feel guilted into getting up and going to my mom and dad's. I love my folks, but I told my mom I wasn't sure what I was doing on my birthday and I would let her know. This is a nice way of saying, "Mo, I want to get drunk and laid for my birthday! Getting up and driving an hour and a half may not be on the menu." For the record, T-Bird is driving. She doesn't drink anymore. Well, she did on her 30th birthday and that should do her for about 10 years. She'll just sit and laugh her ass off at me and Beanie chasing everything with a dick and pulse. Of course, I know the drill. When I saw Red at the bar, it was the furthest thing from my mind. I had already cracked out two orgasms to keep me in line and had basically decided to catch a nice buzz and then sober up before the drive home. I never did catch a buzz and I got laid. Stands to reason with my luck that I'll get fucked up, puking drunk and not get laid. It seems to be my lot in life to not have sexual relations on my birthday. I've been antsy for some girl-on-girl action too. I get a craving every so often and being single I can take advantage of that. I've had two rather good offers and will take at least one of them up on it. I swear, I know what men go through, at least a little. It seems a lot of women want... relationships... sorry chicas, not interested. The best thing about these ladies is, they're like me. They like the experience but want nothing to do with the relationship deal. Nanna will be a busy bee this week. I'll be at least breaking a path from my front door to the bedroom, cleaning the bathroom and otherwise making the place presentable for whoever I may stumble through the door with. Chances are it will be someone that I already know. That seems to be the way things go for me, no new blood, just the old stuff, but better. Ahhh familiarity... has a nice ring to it. So, any other suggestions for my birthday revelry? I'm still filling my dance card for Friday night. "AZ" has nice ring to it....

Wasn't I Supposed To Be Somewhere? *Oops with P.S.*

Nate has developed the annoying habit of opening all of my mail whether I want him to or not. Since I get books in the mail from my club I prefer to check the invoice to see what’s actually IN the box before opening it. One such box made its way to my bedroom where it has laid in the vast abyss of blankets, clothes, sheets and, well, a lot of stuff. Nate found it and... opened it. I found the book and a set of cards lying on the bed. There was no need to ask him about it as I knew what he had done but as I always I wanted to know. He looks up at me with those big blue eyes and says, "Mommy, I think you need to read those cards." *Frown* Nate and I did not get along well this weekend as he likes to question, not my authority, but what I do personally as far as what time I go to bed etc. I very loudly *frown* told him this weekend that I don’t answer to him for anything. Back to the cards. The cover said, Inner Wisdom Cards by Dr. Wayne W. Dyer. I had never heard of this guy but I opened them up and read them. Then I opened the book that was laying there, The Power of Intention - Learning to Re-Create Your World Your Way. Holy shit. I began skimming through the chapters and saw this missive on page 11. Ego is made of six primary ingredients that account for how we experience ourselves as disconnected. By allowing ego to determine your life path, you deactivate the power of intention. Briefly, here are the six ego beliefs. I’ve written more extensively about them in several of my previous books, most notably Your Sacred Self. 1. I am what I have. My possessions define me. 2. I am what I do. My achievements define me. 3. I am what others think of me. My reputation defines me. 4. I am separate from everyone. My body defines me as alone. 5. I am separate from all that is missing in my life. My life space is disconnected from my desires. 6. I am separate from God. My life depends on God’s assessment of my worthiness. No matter how hard you try, intention can’t be accessed through ego, so take some time to recognize and readjust any or all of these six beliefs. When the supremacy of the ego is weakened in your life, you can seek intention and maximize your potential. Amazing, exactly what I needed to hear. Exactly what I’m looking for in my life right now. I haven’t read the book yet, but I’m starting today. The cards also were eye-opening. I release the need to determine how things "should" be - If you are suffering in your life right now, I can guarantee that this condition is tied up with some kind of attachment to how things should be going. No shit man. Here are two more: I live my life in my own way - You can’t go around being what everyone wants you to be, living your life through other people’s rules, and expect to be happy and have inner peace. And... I am a human being, not a human doing - Don’t equate your self-worth with how well you do things in life. You aren’t what you do. If you are what you do, then when you don’t... you aren’t. Obviously this guy has been around a long time and I’m just catching up but hey.... As I said, "Wasn’t I supposed to be somewhere?" More successful? How about married? More kids? Traveling? Out of debt? In debt? Boyfriend? Girlfriend? College graduate? Master’s degree? Finishing high school? Weren’t things supposed to be other than what they are? No. You are and I am, exactly where we are supposed to be. Everything in our lives have lead us to this moment. I’m not the only one grappling with this. Feeling as though I keep going along and getting no where. Time to tell the world what I told Nate this weekend, "I don’t answer to you." Additionally, I went to Seeker’s blog and was re-educated. Seeker and I see very much eye-to-eye on the interconnectedness of all of us with everything around us. It is, in my opinion, well worth reading his last two posts and his future posts on the subject. You create your thoughts, your thoughts create your intentions, and your intentions create your reality. I call this creative visualization but a rose by any other name is still a rose. I'll keep you posted on my journey. P.S. When you get the chance, check out joe-nobody.blogspot.com. First, page down and read "The Hoover Agility Steam Vac," then page up and read, "I'm Still Here," then read the rest. His post this morning was... erotic.

As Promised ... Let's Put the Anal in Sex

Wow, I have noticed a lot of people in the blogosphere are having the same thoughts as me. That in itself is just strange that I’ve seen posts that I can whole heartedly relate to on the same subject. Well, close to the same subject. Having said that let’s talk about intimacy and how I feel it relates to anal sex. I don’t really know where to start. I guess with my experiences with backdoor activities. First, I did have some experience with Nate’s dad in as far as rimming and playing whilst eating at the Y. That was when I first discovered how intense my orgasms could be with a little extra push at the bottom. We did attempt anal sex one time but it was all wrong so.. pfffffffft! I can’t really say how far along the Ex-Drunk Boyfriend (Ex) and I were in our relationship, probably about eight months or so, the first time we had anal sex. Its hard to describe the feelings that were behind it. I was completely relaxed, must have been a very good time for us in the relationship, and it happened very naturally. We had played around a bit with it and one night we got the lube out and went for it. He did have some experience in it so that helped in he knew what to do and what to expect and he knew what to tell me. (Hint: In/out slowly with an extremely hard dick working your way slowly inside - this feels very good and it makes you forget the discomfort and RELAX and breath) I can say that it is the most vulnerable I had felt since I had Nate. Anyone who’s had a baby or watched a baby being born knows what I mean. I mean, this is serious stuff. There can be major complications if its rushed and damage occurs to the tissues. It isn’t without risk. Also, no double dipping, dick stays in ass or out of ass but does not play with the pussy. Yuck... okay... just yuck. Talk about infection risk. Anyway, it also isn’t without a bit of pain and discomfort at first. One time we went to do it and something was DEFINITELY WRONG!!! I don’t know what it was but something was uber sensitive and it felt like he was poking me with a hot iron. I’m all for working through things but there was NO WAY it was going to happen that night. We called it off, at least the anal part of it, and tried again in a week or so and it was fine. I can tell you the shock and amazement when I realized, "Oh my God, he is all the way in me!" And then he started longer strokes and it burned just a bit but he didn’t rush anything and then... dear Lord and Lady... pleasure, pleasure like I had never felt. It’s a different kind of pleasure too (of course I’m only speaking from my own experience and what it was like for me), sort of a little burny at times, but then that went away. It was just... addictive. I’m on my knees with my shoulders on the bed and I have one hand on my clit and he’s stroking me up the ass and then he leans over me and I raise up on my hands and he kisses me. That was just simply amazing. There is no other word to describe it. It was so intimate and caring and our hushed voices as he’s asking me if I’m okay and holding me around the waist with one arm and rubbing my back with the other, moving inside of me. I’m back with the shoulders on the mattress and it feels like he’s all around me and inside of me at the same time. And I’m hot.... almost burning up from the inside out. It could have been 10 degrees in that room and I would have still sweated. I remember him leaning over me again, whispering to me and I just remember telling him... fuck me. He lengthened the stroke a bit and moved a little faster. That wasn’t really cutting it though, so, I just rocked back into him, harder and faster so that he got the message. I felt that hesitation and I know he was afraid of hurting me. There’s was no stopping me, NONE. Had I not been buried in the mattress my head would have spun around a la The Exorcist (minus the pea soup) and that unearthly voice would have said, "fuck me." I was completely unprepared for the orgasm. Oh, I felt it start, but I was utterly unprepared for the intensity. I was unprepared for the fact that the pleasure would be so strong, so... fucking out of this world that I was going to scream. The pillows were who-knows-where and I just had to try and cover my mouth with my free hand because the other was buried somewhere between my legs. He followed me very, very shortly, which was good because I was hyper-sensitive by that time. We collapsed on the bed and he let himself go completely soft before he pulled out of me. Ahhh... then the warm washcloth. That felt good too. Being alive felt good, everything felt good. Laying with him in the bed, whispering afterwards, then drifting off to sleep together. I had another friend who had mentioned it to me before I met the Ex and I was totally uninspired. I think it was the intimacy of the first time... that’s what I needed in order to propel that forward. Plus, and importantly, it wasn’t just his desire, it was also mine. The previous players had broken down a lot of the taboos about sex and pleasure and I realized there was a whole other world out there... waiting for me. Anal sex did not become a regular part of our sexual relationship but it was asked for by both parties and enjoyed when the time was right. It took me a while to get there, to have that trust for something that could possibly be quite painful. I had no idea what to expect and I’m sure its different for each woman. I think if you’ve never even played around the backdoor, with licking, caressing and some light penetration, such as a well lubed thumb in the ass during reverse cowgirl (thank you Red... whew!), then you probably shouldn’t attempt anal sex. If a woman is curious about it and willing to try and move towards it then it can’t be rushed. I know myself, I always thought it would be painful, degrading and only for his pleasure. My only experience with it was watching porn. What the hell did I know?? And face it, some women are just simply NOT INTERESTED! And if they’re not, they’re not. They don’t want anything to do with it. Its just not their thing. Deal with it. I’m glad that it happened the way that it did and I got that experience. Some of my friends love it and others have tried it and don’t and others will not try it at all. Its amazing to me that I actually contemplated having anal sex with Red. Had there been lube around, it may have happened. Why? Because it felt right. I think some people have the mistaken notion that a one-night stand is devoid of emotion and is just two people fucking towards orgasm. I’m sure it is in many, many cases. But, I knew Red, I had dated Red and I had ‘that’ feeling, that comfortable, intimate feeling which is damn hard to describe. It was just ‘there." Maybe if we ever see each other again, it might be there and it might not. Oh, and other women have said that they're embarrassed because they may pass gas or it may get messy. My take is this... if you're that worried about a misfire in the middle of an intimate moment and what your boyfriend/husband/whatever is going to think... you probably shouldn't be doing it and you're probably not going to enjoy it as much because you're worried about it. Furthermore, it has the same effect on you as thinking your ass is too wide, your boobs are too saggy or your nut sack is too low, it means you can't relax. Hint: LOVE IS BLIND. That's right. Love enables us to see past the physical imperfections to the core of a person. Oh, hell, I'm not lecturing on this, I blogged about it before. Plato and all that jazz. Anyway. That’s my take on it. I would like to have the kind of relationship where we could enjoy that type and level of intimacy. I also realize though, that it has to come from both parties and as difficult as it is for me to trust and give so much of myself and then the whole male thing... who knows if I will ever be there again. Alright peeps, I’m out. See ya Monday!!!

2:34 a.m.

I was lying in the bed and I couldn’t sleep. I have too many things in my head to sleep. None of them good. First, did you really think I would stop blogging? I thought I would but I... I just got too much going on upstairs. Its interfering with writing my novel more than blogging ever could. I was disappointed in myself at first but then realized that as long as I keep going, that’s all that matters. I love my characters and I want to take them a lot of places. It might take a while to get there but they will survive long after NaNoWriMo. Second, I was tired of laying in the bed crying and trying not to. Ahhh... Nanna is an emotionally complex individual prone to bouts of situational insanity. I thought about Red for a while and then quietly let him go. Knowing all along this was a bad thing for me. Do you believe that? I hope not, because what I just wrote was complete and utter bullshit. I just decided since I wasn’t going to lie to myself, why gloss things over for you guys? I mean, why spare anyone else my angst? I do that all the time so let’s try something different. Share my angst with me. Yeah, my biggest worry is that I was a really bad lay. Part of me says that is entirely impossible. And then that little voice starts talking to me.... I really don’t like that voice. I would hate to think that my sucking and fucking skills stink. I will admit that although I had a great time and it was entirely enjoyable for me, maybe it wasn’t for him. Then I thought, well, then why did we do it two times? If it sucked so much the first time, why do it again? Unless... he just wanted to give me another chance. The situation with Red is not my biggest worry though. My biggest worry is that question my psychiatrist keeps asking me. "Are you happy?" Define "happy" doc. What the fuck is HAPPY? I would suppose its that all encompassing... "even though I got problems, life is pretty grand" shit, huh? Well, let’s take a trip back to July 1988-July 1989. That was the last time I felt that "all encompassing happiness." That was the year I spent in Germany, for those of you just joining the program. What was NOT to be happy about? A year away from my mother with a family who accepted me for who I was and towards the end, a boyfriend who cared about me. Friends and freedom. Freedom, absolute fucking freedom. School... eh. I had to have two credits to graduate high school. English and World Cultures. I think I got the World Culture thing down just fine. No one really cared if I showed up for class or not. My host parents were lenient but also strict. In other words, I could pretty much do whatever I wanted in the daylight and at night time I had to be very careful, call in, stay with a group, or get picked up by my dad. I could drink. I smoked. They didn’t approve of the smoking and they let me know that but... they didn’t yell and scream and stomp their feet. Yep, it was hedonistic. I actually enjoyed spending time with my family. I drew a lot, wrote a lot, went to the opera a lot. It was joyful. The second most hedonistic time was during college, although it was filled with angst as well. I hung out in the Art building, have no idea why as I wasn’t an Art major. Its just where I ended up. That’s where I spent my time with a group of peeps like me, into music, drawing, photography, writing. A whole bunch of us... sometimes up to 15 of us. Its where I would sleep between classes because I carried a heavy class load and I worked practically full-time too. Its where I met Red. Right after Red and I broke up... okay, he dumped me right before Valentine’s Day... long story... I met AZ. Now, that was angst filled yet hedonistic all at the same time. I remember being and feeling very safe and secure with him and therefore, happy. The last great, great moment of happiness prior to Nate (and let’s Nate out of this completely because he’s not responsible for my happiness or sadness) was in January 1995. I was with AZ at his house and I was standing in front of his mirror, nude from the waist up and he came up behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist, and we looked at each other in the mirror. Something so simple.... I can’t ever really remember being happy with Nate’s dad. Not like I should have been but I was stupid. And since then, there’s been those brief flashes of happiness. Like the first time the ex-drunk-boyfriend kissed me. That’s kind of ruined now though, given what happened between us. And, when I looked into Red’s eyes last Saturday. Pretty sad huh? I had always bucked the system and I paid for it dearly. Emotionally. After Nate, I slid into a conformity of sorts. I paid dearly to have Nate and truly I felt as though I owed it to him to straighten my life up and finally play by the rules. Which I did. And I have. Those days are over. I’m not playing by anyone’s rules anymore but mine. My life wasn’t perfect nor entirely happy when I was a little more on the "wild side," but it sure beats this fucking purgatory. And I figure that I'll just be all around happier if I acknowledge that there are many facets to me... some are matronly and others are... ahem... very, very "bad"... and actually be all of those facets instead of trying to always be what other's see to be the "good" parts. Good = boring = unhappy. Good + bad = happier. So what does that mean exactly? Does it mean I’m going to go out trolling every other weekend to see if I can laid? Possibly. It may also mean that I go out trolling every other weekend just to meet new men. It may also mean that I may need to be a little more aggressive in the things that I want but haven’t gone after because I was playing ‘nice.’ So who and what are on the hit list? They’ll know when I get to them.

Veteran's Day

I know, said I was going to be on hiatus... but... wanted to say thank you to all of our veterans, including many from my family. My dad is retired from the Navy Reserves with 25 years. My brother is in the Army National Guard and has been for 18 years. Two of my great-uncles served in WWII, one with Patton's Third Army. My boss, my cousin, my friends Robbie and Norman, and naturally, Jeremy and Troy. Jeremy, wherever you are over there, I hope its not Fallujah. And to all of our veterans in Blogland, Thanks. May the Lord and Lady bless you and keep you safe.

INANNA 103 + 1 *UPDATED*

I regret to inform you that I will be MIA for a few days. Yes, I am behind on my NaNoWriMo and must redouble my efforts... plus I’m afraid Leese is going to hurt me if I don’t post the next part of my novel. I made a necklace for AJ’s daughter as well. I made it now so he would be on my mind as he and his family face another difficult time. Please keep them in your thoughts. I leave you with 103 things about me. Some you know, some you don’t. 1. I’m a slob but if I’m in a relationship I’m much more willing to do something about it. 2. I almost have to have an orgasm before I go to sleep, with or without someone. 3. I’ve never had a boyfriend who could match my sexual voracity. 4. When I signed up on Eharmony, they couldn’t find a match within 300 miles. This totally bummed me out. Then I went out and got laid. 5. The wicked side of me loves the fact I’m intense, passionate and intimidating. It weeds out the wimps. 6. The soft side of me thinks I should tone down, then the wicked side knocks her upside the head and tells her not to be such a wimp. 7. I will purposely try to scare men with my aggressiveness. It weeds out the wimps. 8. My friends know I’m really a big sweetheart as long as you’re not on my bad side. 9. I have a very forgiving heart. 10. If a man doesn’t believe he is worthy of me, he isn’t. 11. One of my ex-boyfriends made fun of my sexual appetite. I hate him to this day for that. 12. Nate’s dad once told me he didn’t like big-breasted women. I said, "Define ‘big-breasted’" He said, "yours." I’ll never forgive him for that. But I did forgive myself for being self-conscious about it for months afterwards, right about the time I wised up and realized he cut me down to keep me under his control. 13. I’m loyal to a fault. I once swore off sex for two years because the man I was in love with wouldn’t have sex with me but it still felt like cheating. I got over it. 14. My favorite foreplay activity is kissing, pressed length to length nude. 15. My second favorite is going down on him. 16. My third is him kissing my shoulders. 17. Any man who kisses my head, forehead, etc. has seriously moved up on the "you will get laid" scale. 18. I grow my hair long because it makes me feel more feminine. 19. I also grow it because I like for men to plunge their hands into it and pull it and tug it during every sexual activity. 20. If my mother actually could confirm half the stuff she thinks I’ve done in my life, she would burst into tears at what an immoral hellion she has raised, based on her standards of course. 21. The first four men I ever slept with had the same first initial... two of them had the same name. The next three had the same initial, but different than the first four. 22. Two men had very unusual names... one was named after a country, another, after a part of a particular flower. 23. Yes, I have been fucked on an office desk of my local government. He was one of the worst lays I ever had, specifically because it was a mercy fuck to get him to leave me alone. 24. I was 20 years and four months (minus one day) old when I had sex the first time. It was unimpressive. 25. The second guy was even more unimpressive. Since they had the same name, I took this as a sign to not fuck guys with that name. 26. The third guy was Red. 27. The fourth guy was Blackie. 28. Then Nate’s dad. 29. Then I went wild. 30. I have no doubt I could remember and actually find each and every guy I’ve ever been with if the occasion should rise, which it won’t because I’m good and clean that way. 31. I’ve been told I "feel" my way through life as opposed to being logical. I just wish I would "feel" a man up against me more often. 32. I’ve only picked up two men in a bar and slept with them. One was Blackie, the other was Red. Not sure if they count since I knew both of them before I saw them in the bar. 33. The number of men I’ve slept with who had girlfriends, were engaged, married or married but separated, takes quite a chunk out of my overall score. 34. I have a fear of commitment because I have a fear of abandonment. My brain thinks if it isn’t committed then it can’t be abandoned. 35. Only one guy I’ve slept with who had a girlfriend didn’t tell me before the deed but did afterwards. I was not happy. I would much rather know up front. He was accordingly dismissed. 36. I normally hate surprises, except things like what happened Saturday. 37. I’m very solitary and extremely picky over my personal space. 38. My mom laughed at me when I told her I was going to be in a musical because she didn’t believe I could sing good enough. I showed her. 39. Its difficult for me to sing a capella outside of the lowest part of my range. I’m not sure what my range is though. It’s a combination of everything in between upper tenor/lower contralto and soprano. I can hit low notes and on really good days, I can hit the high ones too but I have no idea about octaves or where I fit. I’ve always wanted to take voice lessons. 40. When I sang "American Pie" with a male friend, I had to take the low part because he couldn’t go deep enough. 41. This is why I prefer the blues. 42. I sing along with Sebastian Bach, Tommy Shaw and Jack Blades to improve my range. 43. If you don’t know who any of those guys are, you suck! You just suck!! 44. If you don’t know who Damn Yankees is, you suck again! 45. I have a rule that I only sleep with one guy per menstrual cycle. I instituted this rule because a girl I knew had three possible fathers for her child. I have only broken this rule once in 13 years. 46. The songs I listened to last night were: High Enough, Mystified, Come Again, Runaway and Tell Me How You Want It by Damn Yankees and Its My Life and One Wild Night by Bon Jovi. Over and over and over. I also listened to part of the Armeggedon Soundtrack - namely Remember Me by Journey and What Kind of Love Are You On? - by Aerosmith. 47. I’ve always wanted to sing in a band. I’ll even sing country. 48. The first song I ever did at karoake was "How You Remind Me" by Nickelback. I did it with a lawyer who was butchering it so I stepped in and helped him out. 49. I love 80's hair bands. I’m contemplating buying "Very Best of Dokken" although the new "Saliva" is tempting. Red’s guitar style reminds me of George Lynch. 50. I know what happened to Ozzy Osbourne but every time I hear "Crazy Train," I go, "What happened to Ozzy?" And then I mourn the loss of Randy Rhoades. 51. I met Ray Gillen once. He invited me backstage and I declined. He died of AIDS related complications 3 ½ years later. I thank God I said no. 52. The best concert I ever saw was Damn Yankees, Slaughter and Jackyl. I had a front row, center seat. Jack Blades was thisclose to me. It still gives me the willies. The good willies. 53. Metallica wasn’t bad either. Although I don’t see the difference in swapping music on Napster and going to the library and checking out books. Somebody bought it, now they’re sharing it... get over it. 54. The best thing about the Metallica show is its where I met my friend Joe. 55. I miss Joe. 56. I still have my stuffed animals from when I was a kid. I named all of them. My favorite was Ambrose the Frog. 57. I now have an uncle named Ambrose. 58. The first Disney movie I ever saw was "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs." I cried. 59. I think the Prince in "Beauty and the Beast" is the sexiest animated man ever. I would do him. 60. I watched Power Rangers with Nate because I thought the guys were hot. 61. I don’t care if someone doesn’t like me, I just want them to have a good reason. And if they don’t have one, I’ll give them one. 62. The biggest dick I’ve ever seen in person belongs to one of my friends in Germany. Its easily 8 inches long and extremely thick. I couldn’t even begin to get my hand around it. I barely got it in my mouth. Due to circumstances beyond my control I wasn’t able to give it a good try out so, that’s another reason I’d like to go to Germany for Christmas. All I want for Christmas is my Astroglide.... 63. The smallest was the size of Bic lighter. 64. When you ask me if something is wrong and I answer, then its minor. 65. If you ask and I say, "Nothing." It’s a little more serious. 66. If you ask and I don’t say anything, its amassing. 67. If you ask and I sob and weep, it has reached critical mass. 68. If you ask about my feelings I might tell you... if you watch me, you’ll see them without asking. If you kiss me, you’ll feel them yourself. 69. I have an extremely long fuse temper wise. It gets shorter as I get older. Sometimes the intensity of my reactions scare even me. 70. "My Immortal" by Evanescence was written about me, at least it feels that way. 71. Yes, I’m terrified that Red will never call me and that I’ll never see him again, or it will be another ten years. I’ll never admit it though. :-) 72. I’ve been known to become so angry I’m completely calm. I call it my "override" system. 73. The furthest I’ve ever driven for the purpose of getting laid was eight hours. 74. The furthest anyone has driven to be laid by me was six hours. 75. When in doubt, I always do it one more time. 76. My most thrilling car ride was when a friend did a 180 in the middle of the road to escape the locals chasing us out of town. 77. The second thrilling is when a girlfriend and I were heading off of her hill in the ritzy section of town, she lost control, shot the turn and ricocheted from one retaining wall to another, missing a BMW and a Mercedes in the process. 78. I have given a "road cone." 79. My brother killed his first deer the day after my 13th birthday. I killed my first deer the day after my 31st. 80. I have a mad crush on a lawyer at another firm. I also have a crush on his boss. 81. If I had the opportunity to sleep with Johnny Depp, I’d ask him to show up in his Jack Sparrow outfit and talk dirty to me with his pirate tongue. Drink up me hearties, yo ho!! 82. I find Jack Nicholson sexy. 83. And Sean Connery. 84. I’ve had a crush on Harrison Ford since Star Wars. 85. In my first theater production, I was a madam. 86. In my second, I was a lover on a bench. 87. In my third, I was a ballroom dancer. 88. In my fourth, I was a Hungarian revolutionary, a reporter, a waitress, a slut in Bangkok, a technical director, a translator and a few I don’t remember. It was the musical "Chess." I had 12 costume changes. 89. The director would tell us to "wrap your butts in velvet" when he wanted us to sit down. 90. I was assistant sound technician for "The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas." I vowed next time, I would be a whore. 91. The last picture I ripped out of a magazine was last month when A&E was advertising their Biography series with a picture of Jon Bon Jovi in black jeans and nothing else. He’s sexier now than he ever was before. 92. I’ve been a Bon Jovi fan since their debut album. 93. My friend Kevyn is such a Bon Jovi fan, he swears he would bear Jon’s child if he could... and he’s straight. 94. I liked Richie Sambora’s solo album, "Stranger In This Town," better than Jon’s because it was more bluesy. 95. I’ve always wanted to have boudoir pictures made. 96. I’m learning to take a compliment because it irritated me that Lex wouldn’t take one from me. 97. At the same time, I don’t like sunshine being blown up my ass. 98. I also realize, beauty is subjective. When Red told me I was beautiful I asked him not lie to me. He said he wasn’t. I couldn’t imagine that he would think I was beautiful, because he’s so beautiful himself. 99. I know. This is my self-esteem problem and that little voice in my head that says I’m not good enough to deserve someone beautiful. 100. At least that voice has faded to an annoying stage whisper instead of the screaming fish wife it used to be. 101. One of my favorite movies is "Practical Magic." 102. I try to wear the same body spray when with a man so he associates that smell particularly to me. 103. The onion still needs peeled. +1 = 104. I'M VOTING FOR TRASHMAN IN 2008!!!!

Synchronicity/Answers To Unasked Questions

*Yep, this is the standard, Sexual Content Ahead, warning. Proceed at your own risk, blah, blah, blah, yada, yada, yada. If you think I'm crazy, eh, I know already... m'kay?* I’ve been on someone’s mind today. Now that the connection has been forged again, we’re linked and he’s invaded me all day. Questions, questions, questions. First things first. 1) I was supposed to be in Boston this weekend. 2) I wasn’t going to go to this bar, I was only going to the Gallery until my boss said I should go down and introduce myself to one of his friends that works there. 3) I had never been there before. 4) Neither had he. 5) I almost left twice before I saw him. 6) When I looked into his eyes, I knew why I was there. 7) I was there to be with him. 8) Forces were at work 9) Spirits were chattering 10) Damn There’s more to it than that. Like, how I’ve never even been to a gallery opening or anything but I saw the card and decided I would go. I made a point of getting dressed up, skirt, heels, make-up, hair. I will tell you about how my stomach never turned over, or fluttered in anxiety as to what might happen after we left the bar. I knew we would be together. I will tell you about how he kissed me outside the bar, held my hand and kissed it repeatedly. I will tell you how I felt zero nervousness, which is highly unusual for me. Really. Even being the goddess I am. The only flutter I had in my stomach is when I was lying naked on the bed waiting for him. It wasn’t just a good fuck... it was much more. A dangerous more. Questions (that I sensed from him today) 1.) Why am I alone? Why have I never been married? A. Because I’ve never found a man a) worthy of me or b) who can handle me. Plus, I love deeply and choose poorly. I react on emotion instead of intelligence. If I reacted on intelligence I would be fucking Bill Gates right now instead of Melinda and I wouldn't even contemplate seeing you again. 2.) Do I want to see you again? A. Of course I do idiot! 3.) Do I think it’s a good idea? A. No. Sparks are one thing, raging infernos are another. Not that I’ll turn down your inferno but I’ll not seek it. It will have to come to me. I think you know it too and its scary. No more questions... just answers. Yes, I know you will not be in a threesome with me and Blackie... you’re too jealous. You hate the thought that he and I might get together anyway. Do not ever tell me who I can and cannot fuck. You can ask politely that I refrain from spreading the love around, to which I would probably gladly acquiesce as long as you’re taking care of me. But if you ever, EVER, tell me I CAN’T do someone, figure on me doing just that. No one tells me what to do. I’ve lived under enough insecurity and tyranny in my life for many lifetimes and the bitch in me won’t take it and the goddess won’t allow it. Do not expect me to put my heart on the line for you. Period. I don’t want to hear about your wife. I always said if my man was going to fuck around, then he better not be dissing me to his ho and since I’m the ho, don’t diss the wife. Indecision sucks honey and I know you’re back and forth about what you should do and what you want to do. That’s okay. I can be a patient woman because I know you will be back. I wish I could just say it was the sex. But let’s pretend okay? Let’s pretend its just sex, otherwise we’ll find ourselves with the bottom knocked out from under us and we’ll start drowning in it. And since its just sex, let’s talk about what I want. I want you to tell me how you want it. Because that turns me on. Better yet, tell me what you’re going to do to me right after you tie me up and blindfold me. Ack! I forgot THE RULE!! THE RULE!! How could I forget THE RULE??? THE RULE: Treat me like a lady if others eyes can see us and if other eyes are gone, then treat me like the whore I am. Now, back to what I want. I was just a bit disappointed *pout* that you didn’t take the opportunity to come in my mouth. It was very, very, very sweet to ask where I wanted you to come... and I said anywhere, maybe I should have been more specific. Let’s start with: in my mouth and then... my breasts... and then the small of my back and my ass (I loooove that feeling) Then I want you to come on my face while I’m kneeling in front of you. I think that is soooo hot. Let’s face it, it would be hot to feel you come anywhere on my body. Most definitely I want that big cock between my breasts and I want you to squeeze my nipples when you do it, oh and don’t forget to prop the pillows up so I can lick the head. And I promise when we do it doggy style and reverse cowgirl, I will turn around and kiss you, because I know you like it. I know you like kissing a lot during sex. Then of course, there’s anal sex. It takes a lot for me to offer up the tenderest parts of my body for sweet, succulent abuse but you got me hot for it. You just rub me all the right ways. Rub me a few more. And I know you’ll be gentle at first, because that’s the kind of person you are. I know it would break your heart to hurt me. You strayed away from your heart once and it almost killed you. You couldn’t hide how the cruelest things in life made you feel subhuman and you came home. And its that heart that reached out to me, then and now. I know I’ll have to tone it back on occasion and become your true lover. The passion and intensity with sweetness minus the nasty. I know that’s what you like. You like to kneel behind me and kiss my neck and shoulders as I pull my hair to one side, one hand on my breast, the other on my clit and you’ll make me soar. You like intimacy, face to face sex, kissing. I wish I had kissed you just one more time. But I will...

Carlton & Alonzo, Blackie & Red

Alriiiiighty then... I’ve had sustenance, I’m working on a cup of coffee, I’ve had a nice looooong bath... here’s what happened last night. There was a reception at a local art gallery that I went to. Why? To meet peeps or rather, male peeps. It wasn’t so wonderful until I met Carlton. He was a bearded black man with sunglasses, a ball cap and saggy jeans hanging around the entrance. He asked what was going on and I told him and asked him if he wanted to come in. He said he wasn’t dressed appropriately and, LOL, his breath stunk. I said, "Oh well, come in anyway." So, I drag him through the gallery. Hmmm... yeah, we got a few strange looks. So, then we went to the local watering hole (Men - collared shirts only) establishment which I heard was a pretty great place to meet men. They were nice enough to give Carlton a shirt to change into. Yeah, I can say the guy’s breath was pretty rank but he knew a hell of a lot about art and writing. As a matter of fact, he gave some tips for my novel. He was completely up front... perhaps a little nuts but a real nice guy and I’m glad I got to know him. But when he changed back into his street clothes, he was gone! Never even said goodbye, he just hit the door. And I wondered if I had just spent time with a narc. This guy said he worked construction, yet his hands were smooth. He had beautiful teeth, regardless of breath, and he was clean although, yeah, he looked like a street thug the way he was dressed. Dunno. After he left, Alonzo came over and sat down. Alonzo works for another law firm right down the street from me. We had been introduced previously by a fellow acquaintance and talked about everything from sex to sex to anal sex to how often we like having sex. I wasn’t attracted to him much though. I’m not sure why. He thought something was wrong with him because he likes sex a lot. I told him he needed an older woman, 35-45, he’s get sex then. He bought me a few drinks, actually he bought quite a few drinks for me, himself and couple other chicks that wandered by. Enter Blackie. Blackie and I go waaaaay back. Pre-AZ. Blackie and I go back to high school. He played in a band at the time and that’s how I knew his name but I wouldn’t actually meet him until we were in college. He’s like a giant naughty teddy-bear. Dark hair, blue-ish eyes, always very stylish and fucking smart as hell. I was thrilled to see him!!! It has been quite a number of years. So, I helped him get the bartender over for a drink and I got up to go to the bathroom and as I came around the bar... OH. MY. GOD!!! It was Red. And that’s what said at the same time before we hugged and laughed and started talking. He and Blackie were there together. Funny thing, I had known both of them, but they didn’t know each other until about 6 years later. Freaky, since they’re both musicians. Blackie plays bass *shiver shiver* and Red plays guitar *mmeeow* Hey, and I was the only one left with long hair. Matter of fact, they both had longer hair than I did back in the hay days of the early 90's. Ah, very funny, Red could not remember my name. Well, it had been, ???, 10 years since we’d seen each other. He could describe for me though, exactly what I used to wear... army field jacket and ripped up jeans. Yep and here I thought he was going to describe those flowered underwear I had. Oh, that was when I wore underwear! I spend a long time talking to hm and Blackie when he comes back over. I finally get to the bathroom and go to tell Alonzo thanks for the drinks/convo and he’s split. Oh well, I know where he works. Naturally, the talk turned to the fact that I had, in fact, slept with both of them. Red first, then Blackie and Blackie made the mistake, sorry mah sweet, of asking me a question that no guy should ask. "Who was bigger, who was better?" I gave in on the bigger thing because, damn Red has got a cock from hell. Dear God, he is amply endowed, length and width. *Fans self* As far as better? Well, I was sooo inexperienced I figure I wasn’t that great myself so I didn’t answer that. And really, I don’t know. It was two different situations. Red and I actually dated and Blackie and I just had a one night stand. Both of them gave me extremely fond memories, although I did get a little psycho over Blackie at one point, which I apologized for. And Blackie your dick is just fine and I had a lot fun with it, okay? The thing is, I like creative, smart people. And that’s what they were and are. So, we played catch up and Blackie let me know that if I was interested in girl on girl that he had a friend who wanted to try it. Hey, I’m always up for a good time but I told him that I in NO WAY wanted a relationship with a woman, so if she was leaning that way I wouldn’t consider it. Blackie is like me, in that he’s interested in the connection between people, and he realized and I guess I did too, that I’m straight-forward. T-Bird has said it too... what you see, is what you get. I don’t fluff, I don’t put on, it is what it is and I am what I am. And especially with him, there’s always been a very intellectual connection between us. That’s why I liked them. Intelligent, creative and hot! Like me! People like me!! Ahhhhh!! People like me!! Can you say "Increased Comfort Level?" *does little dance* I had a great time. But it was Red, that really caught my attention. Probably because we hadn’t seen each other for a lot longer than Blackie and I had and we had unfinished business. That little problem of him dumping me right before Valentine’s Day, 1992. LOL!! Really though, things were messed up for him at that time and.... well, we were young. He was 19 and I was 21. We were just babies in grown up bodies. Now we were grown-ups in grown-up bodies. So, Red asked that I give him a ride to his car since Blackie wanted to stay in the city. Uh huh. On the way down the interstate, Red just very succinctly tells me that he would rather come back to my place. (I kind of got that idea when we left the bar as he grabbed me and kissed me on the street, then held my hand and had his hand on my thigh the entire way) My place, naturally, is a wreck, so I did something I’ve never done before. I got a room for the specific purpose of fucking someone. I blushed when I mentioned it to him and then he blushed when I told him what I’m sure that I hadn’t done some things that I was either too bashful to do back then or we didn’t allot time for that I would like to do to him. And I did. Whew!! Red is handsome, tall, auburnish hair, beautiful eyes, almost no body fat but not so skinny as he used to be, but that’s good, but he’s also incredibly sweet and accommodating, especially when he bumped that tender spot called a cervix, much obliging to change positions, much obliging to let me ride him anyway I wanted, much obliging to kiss and hug and suck and let me do the same. Oh yeah, and much obliging to lay on my body and kiss the hell out of my shoulders which just started round two. And if round one was incredible, round two was cosmic. Being warmed up, slick and hot, I was able to catch that "fever" which is rare but a wonderful thing when the orgasms don’t wear me out, they just make me want more. Ahhhh and I got more. I took several Gods and Goddesses names in vain. I came home and passed out about 4:00 and slept like the dead until quarter after twelve. And I didn’t pass out from booze either. I would have hated to seen it if I HADN’T been drinking anything, although I wasn’t drunk. So, now I’m sure you’re wondering, what now? Nothing. Red and Blackie are both married. Blackie, I know, has operated outside the bonds of his marriage since... he got married. Not sure if his wife knows, not really my business. I’m sure that Red’s wife doesn’t know. I don’t want her to know. Also not my business. I guess I’m like the Clintonesque military – I have the "don’t ask, don’t tell" policy. Blackie has the URL to my blog. He’s one of those peeps that would find it fascinating. He asked on Red’s cellphone if I would save some for him... LMFAO!!! Men in competition. Whoa... men in competition over ME?? LOL!!! Pffffffffffffffffffft!!!!! Shit! That’s... God that’s funny. Honestly, yeah, I would. I would do him. Come to think of it... I would like to do them both together. Yeah, now THAT, holy shit... *shivers* That would rock... I wouldn’t walk for a week but that would rock. Being fucked doggy style by one, while sucking the other one’s cock... yeah, yeah, yeah... that would, yeah, that would rock. *fans self again while whispering* Be nice Nanna, be nice, be nice, be nice. Fuck being nice. You only live once.